I know, I know... Two blogs in a row. Bad Kinkatia, bad!
But in all seriousness, despite the magic of today, there was one thing that bothered me. My mom. I love her dearly, but enough is enough. I found out today that, despite my being off in college, she's STILL going on and on about how I need a boyfriend. True, I had a boyfriend. But she didn't know about him. She wouldn't have been happy, knowing I'd met him online. She'd have been downright furious. And when I met him, when things started to fall together and I started to fall in love, I was too afraid to defy her. I wasn't strong enough as a person. And as much as it pained me, I kept our relationship a complete secret.
But today, after talking to my mom while I was on the train, she calls me back ten minutes later to ask, "So, who do you like this week?" Hearing that hurt. It stung. I felt like she'd suddenly started accusing me of being one of those girls who always has to be dating someone. And I didn't know where it came from. Then she went on to explain how my friend had told her that there was a guy I liked out here, but he didn't like me back.
...
Huh? Here, at college? Yeah, right. The only tolerable guys are too brotherly. Or gay. Or both.
But back to what my mom said. After I denied flatly that I wasn't pining after any of my college classmates, she replied, "So when you like someone, am I going to be the last one to know?"
Well, maybe. If she keeps oppressing me and insisting on knowing everything that's going on in my life, I'm not going to tell her right away about anything personal. Especially not after how she reacted to my first boyfriend. I'm not even going to go into that here.
So I asked my friend why she'd said that, thinking she was vaguely mentioning my secret relationship that had just ended. And here's what I was told...
My mom has been talking about how she wishes I had a boyfriend. She's even gone so far as to pick out the person she wishes was my boyfriend. The reason for her choice? He's my age and goes to our church. And he's a jerk. She sees him once a week. I went to school with him. I don't like him, not even as a friend. I've explained this to her. I've also explained how I'm not going to go out and find a boyfriend because she thinks I should. I'm not going to actively search for someone to be with. Not now. I'm a freshman in college. I'm learning who I am and becoming a stronger person each step of the way. I'm not planning on settling down, getting married, and becoming a housewife after I graduate. I want to travel, to write, to see the world and find my place in it. And once I'm satisfied with my own ability to survive this crazy world, then I'll think about marriage.
And my friend only told my mom I had liked someone to get her to stop complaining about my lack of a relationship. She didn't know how my mom would react to that.
So now I'm having a dilemma. What I'd suspected, even my friend has noticed. It's like my mom wants to live her ideal life through me. What she didn't have, she wants me to have, whether I want it or not. And it would explain a lot. It would explain why she got angry when I decided not to go to my senior prom. It would explain her insistence on forcing societal expectancies on me, all of which the reasoning for is to make me more attractive. I don't want to be attractive. I refuse to wear make-up, dye my hair or shave just to make guys want me. I'll find someone who loves me for me when the time comes. I'm not going to be like she tried to be.
She was engaged at seventeen. That engagement fell through, and she stayed single until she was in her late twenties and met my dad. She wasn't married until after I was born and my younger brother was on the way. And now I feel like she wants me to marry younger than she did. She wants me to live the life she wanted. That's what it feels like. And I don't know how to make her stop.
I really do love my mom dearly. We've been so close, but now I'm starting to think that a huge part of my identity issues stem from her influence. I call her every day because I feel like it's required of me. I listen to her ramble about pointless things, using up my minutes, and then listen to her lecture me when I exceed the preset amount. (I wanted a pay-as-you-go phone for a reason...) I do my best to please her, to not worry her, and then I'm hit with this. I can't take it anymore. I want to shout at her, to tell her to leave me alone, it's my life, not hers, and I'm going to live it her way. I'll make my own mistakes, live with them, become a better person by them, and forge my own path. I won't follow in her footsteps. I'm at college for me, not for her. I'm going to get a well-paying job. I'm going to follow my dreams. I won't give up my own goals to be the perfect daughter and perfect wife she's been trying to mold me into. I just can't.
And I feel so horribly guilty for wanting to yell at her, for even being angry at her. But I need her to realize she's got to stop...
This is a terrible feeling. I really don't know how to handle it. I'm starting to feel like I need to call her less often, cut her off when she rambles, and prove to her that I can make it on my own, even as I'm proving it to myself. But then I'm faced with knowing what will happen if I stop calling every day. I forgot to call Thursday. And when I called Friday morning, I was greeted with, "You never call anymore!" It's ridiculous. And I don't know what to do about it.
Try to sit down and have a talk with her. I know it seems hard, but I think that will only be the way to solve it. I know it sucks that she is trying to make you someone you don't want to be, but also look at it from her perspective, she does this because she loves you and wants you to be a better person.
On the other hand I do understand where you are coming from. Make it clear to her that you love her, but she must accept you for who you are. Why would she want to make you more attractive? You are pretty inside and out. Tell her everything and don't hold back regardless she will still love you. Sure it may piss her off but she will get over it. This could work, I think it will.
http://www.progressiveu.org/043043-mom-i-can-finally-write-you-letter
Sorry to disappoint you, but I am voting for Lewis Black.
DrifterDani~
I've done this. Several times. Each and every time it has turned into a shouting match and accomplished nothing. Any time I try to explain to her that I'm not the person she wants me to be, she gets angry and shouts at me that she's my mother and I have to do as she says, and I get defensive (as I react rather badly in a psychological way to angry shouting) and shout back that I wasn't doing anything wrong or disobeying her, and it all goes downhill from there.
And on top of it all, how am I supposed to explain that I'm happier out here at college than at home because I don't have her breathing down my neck and pushing me in the direction she wants me to go? Because knowing myself and knowing my mom, it'll come down to that, and I don't want to hurt her...
And that's comin' at ya' from yer local redneck hippie.
--
Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!!!
I was figuring that your mom wasn't like my dad. I have the same issue with my dad. I can't talk to him about anything. When he yells at me I hold it. My anger builds because I would end up cussing him out and hurting his feelings very badly. I hardly get angery but when I do it is bad and I feel sorry for the people who must suffer the consequences. I mean it is very bad. Yes it is bad to hold in this anger but it would probably go along the lines of I wish you would die your a worthless piece of shit blah blah and I don't want to say something like that.
I am sorry you can't really work it out maybe you could just not answer her calls for a while just to get a break. I know she would probably nag you, but at least you would get a break for a week or so. At least you are letting your feelings out and as bad as this sounds at least right now I can relate with you ( from reading your recent blogs) and I am not the only one going through hell. I am going through hell right with ya buddy! :) So I guess the positive is you are not alone in the issues you are going through.
http://www.progressiveu.org/043043-mom-i-can-finally-write-you-letter
Sorry to disappoint you, but I am voting for Lewis Black.
DrifterDani~
I didn't answer her calls on Sunday (mainly because I caught a cold, and didn't feel like talking to anyone), only to hear from my dad on Monday that she'd said she hadn't heard from me in a while. My dad was convinced I hadn't called in days. It was one day. Not several. Ugh.
Oh well... I'm not so angry anymore. I have a curious inability to actually stay angry at people...Sometimes I think that works against me.
And that's comin' at ya' from yer local redneck hippie.
--
Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!!!
I admire your ability to confront the issues about your mother. The world would be easy if we could all say we loved our mothers and let that be that, but it's a little more complicated than that.
The best option I can think of is that you should sit down with her and explain your issues one at a time ( I realize you've done this, but from what you've said, it's only ended in a screaming match--calmly is the key here). Let her know that you appreciate her concern, but that it's time that she let you make your own decisions about your own lifestyle choices. There is nothing wrong with not having a boyfriend, and it seems like your mother is looking out for your future and looking to the day that you may be married. It's pretty common of mothers. But you should remind her that you're still young, that you're not going anywhere--you have plenty of time to find 'the one'!
It also looks like she has difficulty accepting that you're not there anymore for her to baby/coddle/take care of. Also quite common. She doesn't want to come to grips with the fact that you're in college and away from home. But she should be reminded that being at college doesn't mean you're completely ignoring her or something, it's just your next transition into the real world. It's completely normal to enjoy college more than home (and I could see why you would!) but you definitely don't want to flat-out tell her that you'd rather be there than you would at home...that'll probably just upset her. If anything, she should be told why you enjoy college. Mention the independence you have and the ability to really figure out where you fit in in the real world.
Best of luck to you!
Try telling her that you don't have the time for a boyfriend. If your freshman year is anything like mine, then it won't be a lie. Or you could just tell her that there isn't anyone you like right now everytime she asks until she tires of asking. If you try the later, it will require a lot of patience.
Like what you've read? Well, then here's more:
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/tricia0711
Write a letter, expressing all your emotion. Don't send it. After you've gotten all the emotional drama off your chest, write another without the angry or accusing tone. Explain your position in writing, sometimes, it's much more effective. Good luck to you! I'm familiar with the situation, and I've found the best way is to write. The pen is mightier than many realize.
Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see.
That I also have tried. It's wonderfully therapeutic for me, but my mom likes to find offense in anything I write. From letters to her to my fanfiction to the novels I attempt. ^^; One of these days I'll get up the courage to explain to her that I'm not as much like her as she likes to think, and that I'm not going to conform my writing style to what she deems is appropriate for her little Christian girl.
Thanks for the advice, though. I will keep it in mind for the next time I find myself angry at her.
And that's comin' at ya' from yer local redneck hippie.
--
Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!!!
Your realization about your mother's behavior towards you is insightful. It is also an indicator that you are going to go far in life. People who unquestioningly live the life they are "supposed" to don't grow as much.
It is painful to branch out in need of personal growth and be told you are doing it wrong, or that your decisions cause someone you care about stress.
I don't think that it is a question of love. It seems very apparent that you and your mother love each other a lot.
For your mother, I think that you are right about her motivation being that she wants you to do what she wishes what she had done. That is evidence that she is not happy, otherwise she would simply be asking that you do exactly what she did. She is afraid of you not being happy, like her. The motivation behind that is love.
The mistake that she is making is in not having faith in you as an individual to forge your own path, and likely find hapiness in a way that no one in your family has tried before. It is fear that keeps her from being able to let go. She imagines she has some control over you and your life. Another common folly among parents.
I want to post here a chapter from Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet". If my quote is too long and makes my post invalid, I don't care. I think it fits well here.
"ON CHILDREN"
"And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, 'Speak to us of Children.'
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."
There is nothing that you can do to change your mother or to wake up to the truth that your life is not hers. If she ever does figure it out it will be over a long period of time as she observes your life playing out. One day she will see that you have always had the power to make your own life beautiful in your own way.
The only thing you can do to ease the anxiety and sadness you feel about her small perspective is to accept that she is who she is and is unlikely to change. You can love her and you can accept that she loves you, even though her love in action is stifling.
You are on the right track. Keep going. Live your life for you. When you encounter her negativity, be annoyed. You don't have to explain or defend yourself. I find with my parents that when I don't speak and just give a hug later, life is easier. It's not about stuffing anger. It's about seeing your own parent's limitiations and being grateful that you have the ability to fly above them. Don't hold resentment. It helps me sometimes to imagine my own father as a 2 year old.
"Consistency is not a human trait" - Maude, from Harold and Maude
Your comment has made me very happy. It's encouraging, and gives me hope, and makes me a little less angry about my mom's behavior. It also makes me want to read "The Prophet," because that little excerpt is beautiful.
You'd get a giant hug from me, if only I could send it through the internet.
And that's comin' at ya' from yer local redneck hippie.
--
Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!!!
Congratulations on your featured blogger of the week BTW!
"Consistency is not a human trait" - Maude, from Harold and Maude
Thanks! I nearly died of happiness when I found out I was nominated! I feel like I've really accomplished something now! Squee!!!!
And that's comin' at ya' from yer local redneck hippie.
--
Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!!!
You deserved it! I am glad you got it!
Come to the darkside....we have cookies ;)
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/50086-%E2%80%9Ctaxi-darkside%E2%80%9D-u...