I wish he hadn't been so nice and apologetic about it. I wish I could find a reason to be angry at him, because anger is the emotion I handle best. I wish I could just chuck a shoe at the nearest wall, corner my roommate or some other unfortunate passerby, and rant for an hour or two until I'd gotten all the anger worked out of my system and had come to terms with everything.
But I can't.
How am I supposed to react when the one person in this world who makes me feel genuinely good about myself tells me he thinks we shouldn't have a romantic relationship anymore? How am I supposed to react when he explains why, when he does so in such a way that I completely understand? How am I supposed to feel when I'm willing to stick it out and he just can't?
He's done so much for me, means the world to me, and I'm losing him. I'm letting it happen. I don't want to pressure him into anything. I just want him to be happy. I want him to know that I'm still here, I still love him, and I'll wait for him.
Everything is just so confusing right now. I want to cry... NEED to cry... But I can't. I can't because I understand. I've felt what he's feeling, but I overcame it. I overcame it and faced the difficulties of a long-distance relationship in which parents don't approve because I felt it would be worth it. And it was. I'm a stronger person because I stuck it out this long. I've got a stronger sense of self, and I can stand on my own two feet again. And, most importantly, I can trust again. Because of him.
He's done so much for me, and right now, I feel like the best I can do for him in return is to let him go... even at the cost of my own happiness. Even if it's going to put me through emotional turmoil like never before, even if it's going to test my limits and bring me close to my breaking point. I'll be okay. I'll survive and learn how to handle life without him. I know I can do it. But it kinda tears me up inside knowing that I'm handling this whole thing better than I thought I would because of the impact he's had on my life. it seems almost... ironic.
I don't know... I'm still sorting things out. I'm still kinda in a state of shock. I wasn't expecting this to happen... not now at least, when I'd finally started opening up, when he'd told me that if I was having trouble dealing with things, I could come to him with it... and especially not on the day I'd finally broken free from my shell and contributed to the discussion in all three of my classes.
I really don't know what to do with myself right now... I think I'll make another attempt at getting to sleep, and hopefully, in the morning, things will make more sense.
Is it your fault or his fault? Or are the feeling mutual? I was a bit confused by your post because it seemed like one minute it was his fault and the other it was yours. I am sorry that you are going through hard times but if it makes you happier you can scream at me and let out all your frustrations and anger. I am a good listener.
I am good at anger as well, but mine is very deep seeded and I don't express it as much..so pretty much I am a ticking time bomb. Try punching a pillow or something you won't break it might make you feel better or scream when no one is there, sure you will feel crazy, but who cares? i think I might get into boxing.
I am going to warn you I might do a blog raid ( which means commenting on alot of your blogs) because the recent post list are kind of sad, right now and no not for the points I could give a crap less about the points.
Sorry to disappoint you, but I am voting for Lewis Black.
DrifterDani~
I'm not surprised if it's a bit confusing... I wrote it at two in the morning...
ANd... well... I don't think it's anyone's fault, really... the distance is just too hard for him. And I understand that, because it's hard for me, too, but I'm the stubborn kind who'll tough it out...
And I would love to be able to be angry and frustrated. It would be easier on me. But because I understand him, and understand why he wants to end or relationship I just can't be mad. I hate that I can't be mad.
One of my classmates said a week or so ago that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... or a cripple. As I doubt I'll be crippled by this emotional blow... I think, at the very least, it'll be good for me in a way... I need to learn not to be dependent on someone, after all...
Gah, I'm still confused... Maybe once I sort things out, I'll write another blog...
And that's comin' at ya' from yer local redneck hippie.
--
Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!!!
You said in the original post:
I've got a stronger sense of self, and I can stand on my own two feet again. And, most importantly, I can trust again. Because of him."
If that's true, then you still have him to thank for that. Just because he isn't involved in your life anymore doesn't mean he didn't leave a better, stronger person.
And guess what? Now you have even more strength to deal with the loss.
To me, people who have changed my life are never really gone, because their prints are still in my heart, and my memory.
It is hard to go through break-ups, and any end of a relationship, really. The important thing is to know, that just because a relationship didn't last forever, doesn't mean it wasn't good, it doesn't mean you weren't good enough either. It just means that it is time for it to end. Hold on to what he taught you.
Don't lose that ability to trust. You are now only more bright, more beautiful and more independent. You have tools now you didn't have before. I bet that the final relationship you end up in will be beautiful, because life is teaching you how to really be you.
You are very encouraging. I really, really appreciate that, and would give you a huge hug if I could reach through the internet.
And we talked it out some more, after my mind had settled, and cleared things up... and he asked me to do something that'll be very hard, and doesn't guarantee that it'll work out... he asked me if I could wait a while. I don't know how long that'll be, but I'm willing. And it's gonna be hard on me... So I'm gonna be making full use of the strength he helped me find.
And that's comin' at ya' from yer local redneck hippie.
--
Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!!!
I am actually in a similar boat right now with my boyfriend.
You can do it just hang in there sometimes things get worse before they get better. If it doesn't work out just realize that there was a reason that he was in your life. I think it will work out just hope for the best except the worse.
http://www.progressiveu.org/043043-mom-i-can-finally-write-you-letter
Sorry to disappoint you, but I am voting for Lewis Black.
DrifterDani~