I told this story as a comment on another abortion blog, but then I realized it hadn't had a new comment for almost a year. It was good post though, on a blog about "mommy can i get a permission slip.'"
So here is my story.
When I got pregnant, my husband (then my boyfriend) was in his second semester of nursing school. I was working as an RN, I had graduated two years before, and was making enough money that we could get by so he could work part time and go to school full time. We had been living together for about a year.
I had just switched birth controls, to try a newer one with less side effects, I felt the old one made me moody. I had been on birth control for over 10 years.
My boyfriend and I were happy together, working, going to school, enjoying life. We were not thinking about getting married or having children.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. When I told my boyfriend, he was terrified. We knew that everything was going to change, and we were going to have to grow up. But neither of us ever suggested or considered not having the baby. We were in love, and we were happy together. Life was going to get harder, but we knew we could do it.
Around the 5th month of the pregnancy, my doctor referred me to neonatalogist because there was concern about the fact that I was pregnant for 3 months before I knew it, and I took quite a bit of aspirin ( I have chronic headaches, and excedrin is the only thing that works.) Aspirin is definitely dangerous in the third trimester, but should be avoided throughout pregnancy.
So I went for a super high def ultrasound to make sure the baby's heart was okay. It was really cool, you could see everything, her lips, teeth, it was really neat. The heart was amazing, the doctor commented that it was perfect. Then we got to her brain. Suddenly, the doctor got up, and left us there for about 45 minutes. We were confused and nervous.
When she came back she told us that there was "aqueductal stenosis," basically an occlusion in one of the aqueducts in her brain. The cerebrospinal fluid was obstructed, which meant that the baby could be born with hydrocephaly, a severe abnormality which causes the head to be abnormally enlarged. Oddly, my husband worked at the state development center where the states severely retarded and developmentally delayed live. The world's largest head belonged to one of his patients. That person had no cognitive response to their environment.
The doctor proceeded to recommend that we go through "genetic counseling" and think about termination.
My husband and I were heartbroken, but neither of us felt that termination was an option. I think he was more scared than I was, because he knew first hand what we might be dealing with.
I was mortified at first, but then I decided that from that point I was not going to have another test. I thought, "No matter what, she will be perfect, because she will be born exactly as she is meant to be. Who am I to interfere with life?" We were to have a neonatal neurologist in the room at the time of delivery, in case immediate shunting of her brain would be required. They couldn't tell us how severe the problem might be.
As it so happened, she was born perfect. She is actually a genius, as far as I am concerned. They repeated the same test on her when she was born, and there was no sign of anything abnormal.
The birth was difficult though. I almost died due to hemorrhaging, and the baby aspirated meconium on her first breath. She spent the first three days of her life in the neonatal ICU. We both recovered fully.
So, while for myself I choose life, I do not assume that everyone has to do the same. I believe that having a child is the absolute biggest responsibility one will ever have. I don't think that all people are equal when it comes to the tools and resources necessary for raising a child. I think that every woman should be free to assess her own situation and make the choice that is right for her and her unborn.
Wow, your story is amazing. I'm glad you decided to choose for yourself and not let the doctors tell you what to do.
Took the words right out of my comment =P
Your story is absolutely incredible! Thank you so much for sharing it with us (and for choosing life!). Not only is an excellent witness to life, but it is also an excellent witness that the doctors aren't always right! God Bless!!!
RESPECT LIFE
http://progressiveu.org/blog/respectlife
Thanks for linking me to your story! I'm glad to hear that your little girl is doing so well. How old is she now? Does she have any complications?
My youngest nephew was born with Arnold Chiari Malformation, complete with hydrocephalus and spina bifida. His head is abnormally large and though he's now 3 and a half, his soft spot is still open and quite a bit larger than normal. He's had a VP shunt in place since he was a few weeks old and has had to have several revisions (the last which came after he ended up with staph in the shunt in 2006). He has developmental delays, but he's slowly catching up and long ago passed most expectations. He's on a ventilator at night, has a trach, takes his feeds through tube (he now does non-nutritive feeding by mouth... and eats all day long, it just doesn't count towards his daily calories) and there are various other problems we work daily to address with him. We didn't know about any of his problems when sis gave birth, but it wouldn't have made a difference if she had known (she's pro choice as well).
As you said, however, having a child is a huge responsibility. Having one that requires around the clock skilled care is an even larger responsibility. Not everyone can do it and not everyone should. Let the family decide what they are capable of and what they are not.
I hope everything continues to go well with your daughter!
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~Fallon~
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.- Russell
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This must be Alo you wrote about in Heroes. I can't imagine having 2 children in my life with those kinds of problems. You, and your family are incredibly strong people.
Children should always bring out the best in people, sadly they don't always though.
I am inspired by the stories of both your nephew, and your niece on your blog:
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/49473-solutions-are-within-our-grasp
(Anyone reading this, I beg you please go there now)
I am inspired and uplifted knowing that these children were born into an obviously loving family, with the coping skills and selflessness required to care for them. Your entire family is a miracle, and I wish I saw it more.
Sadly, I am more familiar with perfectly healthy children, who were born perfect, only to be abandoned, abused and neglected. I haven't done any statistical research on this in awhile, because I have been out of school. What I have done is chosen to work and volunteer to help these kids any way I can. I personally know hundreds of these kids, and they are the cause I am taking up in my life. I am going to start researching just how many there are, starting in California where I live.
Before I had my daughter, I considered myself their parent. Not in a biological or familial way. I just didn't think I wanted to have children because so many were already unwanted and hurting, and they needed "parents," really, just adults to care, so badly. So I decided that I would "act" the way a parent should act to them, modeling appropriate behavior and boundaries, that kind of thing. Other than my CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) kid, who I have mentored for the past 3 years, I don't feel that I have done much to change things for them. Yes, I have helped individuals to learn positive rather than negative coping skills, and have helped get them through crises, but I haven't done anything to change the circumstances they live in on a daily basis.
Which is why I am going back to school. I want to get educated in Public Administration so I can start a group home for kids that can be considered "Gifted and Talented," but live as dependents of the state of California. I want to create a model home and school that is built around their needs, designed to nurture their minds and spirits so they can fulfill the potential they were born with, but that has been squashed.
This is why I am pro-choice. Frankly, I get very angry at parents who birth children, and either throw them out like trash, or actually go out of their to harm them. I can't understand for the life of me why any human would inflict on a child the kind of atrocious damage I have seen.
I think that people who are "Pro-Life" activists would be more influential if they shifted their attention from trying to police wombs, to trying to provide for the unwanted babies that are born.
"Consistency is not a human trait" - Maude, from Harold and Maude
That would be Alo; our super baby (though I suppose we should start calling him super toddler sometime soon since he's nearly 4 now). And thank you for the compliments. I'm honestly never sure what to say when we receive them. To us, it's not selflessness or extraordinary or anything remotely close. To us... this is simply life. They're our children (or my sister's children, but same difference) and that's just what you do when you have children. You care for them, no matter what that may mean. What they need comes first in all things, at all times and in all ways.
Everyone always says "but you don't have to do these things." Well, yeah I do. I signed up to be a friend to my sister long, long ago. That's just the relationship we have. That's just part of what friend and sister and aunt and uncle and grandma means here. Not being there to support her and help her care for these amazing little kids is more unimaginable than anything else we've done over the years. It's simply not an option. Not being there, no matter what that has meant, never even came up as a possibility.
As you pointed out... far too many children aren't cared for. They're abused, neglected, or otherwise traumatized or treated as toss away kids by parents that don't care. My grandmother did foster care for years and took in so many of those children. My aunt and uncle are two of those kids. I have an aunt on my mother's side that raised her grandchildren when their mother fell so far into drugs she just left them with her and didn't return for them for years and their father sexually abused them. Growing up knowing the realities and how they've changed your own family... you decide immediately that it's not an option and never will be. Kids aren't just something you care for when it's convenient for you... they're a lifelong responsibility. So to me... it isn't selflessness... it's reality. And I couldn't imagine life without the little ones. They're some of the most amazing children I've met and have taught me, Alo particularly, so much about life and how I want to live than I ever learned before. Seeing those heart melting smiles and hearing the giggles.... absolutely nothing in life is more beautiful.
I applaud your decision to go back to school to be a voice and a pillar of strength for those children that do not have anyone else. If ever there were a place caring souls and compassionate homes were needed... it would be for those children.
When you have an issue you're passionate about... there never really is such a thing as an enough. When you know the realities... the only time there is such a thing is when there is no longer a need to stand up for those people because those people are all safe, healthy and no longer at risk. And unfortunately, there is always work to be done and no matter how much work you do, you realize that there is still more to accomplish. So long as that work needs to be accomplished... it will never feel like enough. Feeling like it isn't enough isn't necessarily a bad thing. That's what keeps the passion running high even when exhaustion is catching up.
Whether you feel like it or not, you are making a difference and that's such a wonderful thing! You may not solve all the problems... but you can make a dent in them! I wish you the best and can't wait to see where your work takes you and what you're able to accomplish. The world needs more people with a cause and the passion and dedication to fight for it.
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~Fallon~
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.- Russell
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_o.o_
You brought a tear to my eye with this.
It's exactly the mindset you and your sis have of "that's just what we do," that is so moving and astounding to others. It's the fact that you accept a situation that demands so much from you and take it in stride that shows others that your heart lies in a place that many people can't even fathom.
The compassion you have for others seeps out of even your words and actions here. I can only imagine what it would be like to be around you in person.
I am treated as evil by people who claim that they are being oppressed because they are not allowed to force me to practice what they do. ~D. Dale Gulledge
_o.o_
i did read this way back when it was first posted, but honestly it was this comment by Fallon that truly made her my hero. I already knew she was special from her blogs, but it is this attitude right here that marks as an angel on earth.
I am going to have to go and read more of her blogs now because I want to know about what she means when she talks about "patients" and "wards." Nothing would surprise me but I am already impressed with her level of activism, being married and young, caring for sick babies at home, I can't imagine how she manages her time. I could use some of whatever they put in her Starbucks!
"Consistency is not a human trait" - Maude, from Harold and Maude
How did this get to the top of the Highest Rated?
There are others with many more reads, votes and comments.
"Consistency is not a human trait" - Maude, from Harold and Maude
I really liked this blog. You made your own decision and thought about it, but you don't come off as pushy or self-righteous. And, of course, I'm glad that you and your daughter are alive and well.
~Violinstef
That is what I hoped for, that anyone, regardless of their opinion or orientation could relate. That is what progress is all about, to me anyway.
to me there is nothing more progressive than setting aside pushiness, self-righteousness and judgment in order to have a conversation with a fellow human.
I wish more people would rely on anecdotal evidence when arguing about political orientations. It helps to shrink the barriers we all put up.
"Consistency is not a human trait" - Maude, from Harold and Maude
I loved that you said "No matter what, she will be perfect, because she will be born exactly as she is meant to be." I wish more people had that view. I'm glad that your child was born healthy, because life can be tough for families with disabled children, but I'm glad that you also recognized that a child in any state would still be a blessing.
"Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent." - Victor Hugo
Yup, I'm a music nerd.
What a brave couple you both are. :] I could honestly say that I would have probably believed the doctors and gone with termination, only because I'm am quite analytical and it would not be my first thought to think, "No, the baby will be perfect!"
I commend you on your courageous effort to not give up hope.
I admire your decision to stick it out even though it may have been tough (to say the least).
Are you using this personal story to say that everyone should be pro-life? Just looking for some clarification.
There is no way of telling what will happen in life, but you were willing to risk your entire future for the coming life of someone new. That is scary and admirable. Congrats on the healthy baby!
What role do you think god plays in this, if any?
"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." -F.N.
the reason I choose anecdotes to discuss such controversial things is because I do not know what the right answers are for anyone but myself. I do not believe that anyone else could have made the decision that we did because no one else was in our shoes. Anecdotes, while subjective, do give creedence to the uniqueness of situations.
Had this same situation happened to me in a relationship I was in prior to meeting my husband, I am pretty sure I would have made a different decision. I would not have not liked it, but I would have had a hard time raising a child with that person. i can't even say for sure I would have had an abortion. i honestly don't know what I would have done. That is kind of the point. If I don't know what I would have done in different circumstances, how can I assume what would be right for someone else?
I thought I did say in the original post that I am pro-Choice, and I am. i don't believe life should be taken for granted and that people should choose lightly in regards to chidbearing, whether the choice is to or not to. Having a child is the greatest commitment a person can make, even if they give it up for adoption. It is a commitment to bring a child, a person, a personality into a world. The choice to do so includes the choice to do so either despite of or because of the environment that the child is born into.
Even though I am Pro-Choice, I would support and advocate efforts to keep the legal cutoff at 3 months gestation, up to four in extreme circumstances. I do believe that a zygote, embryo, and fetus are forms of human life. i believe it is wrong to end human life on purpose. However, the lesser of two evils is giving unfit parents in hopeless situations the option of relieving their unborn of unnecessary and prolonged suffering.
Honestly, I want people to read and think less about abortion and more about the fallibility of medicine and technology. is it good to get pre natal testing to find out the chances that a child might be born with a genetic defect? See the amazing services this website has to offer!
http://www.ebpi-kits.com/?gclid=COCH97Ov4pcCFRIcawodSm3nDA
Here's another website that lists every kind of prenatal test a woman can have
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/prenataltesting.html
I do see a reason to attempt to draw a line between genocide by genetic selection and genocide by violent force on post-born humans. If one is okay, how can the other be wrong?
The thing is many of these tests are not definitive and only provide probabilities. Many of the tests have false positives. We fall back on the collective standard of "innocent until proven guilty," regarding imprisoning a person for a crime. Are we to give carte blanche to mothers of unborn children to select life or death for a potential human being based on less than 50% probabilities of being born defective?
I do not trust medicine anymore to tell me what to do. I don't think others should. If a person wants to have a child or is not devastated to discover they are pregnant and can see themselves raising a child, I think that such tests cause unnecessary anxiety and stress. that was my experience anyway.
As far as my interest in God's influence in my situation, all I want to say here is that I believe and did believe from the moment I became aware of the life inside me that she was a gift and she was supposed to be. I have said more about this throughout my blog. If you are interested in how I perceive God's involvement in my child's life, you can follow the tag used, "The Papaya Blog." Her story is pretty amazing. My personal favorite is "My Little Papaya, A Prologue."
(came back to add): As I have said on my fb, "my daughter is an Earth Intruder, a magical little alien come to me from the moon."
Had to make sure from the start of our possible up and coming debate that you do not mistake me for a brainwashed Jesus freak of a Christian. I've had enough of that with Blackout, and if you need evidence of my innocence, see my blog, "Religious Intolerance Is Everywhere."
"Consistency is not a human trait" - Maude, from Harold and Maude
a lot of doctors are cold blooded where they don't even value lives, only god has the right to interfere with the lives of people, the little angel was a gift from god above, and should be nurtured with love and care, there are lots of stories like the one you are having and these kinds of stories of life fills my heart with joy, for you are not giving up and showing strength with every decision you had made, have faith my dear and everything will soon work our fine for you..
~edited for spam by ediblewoman 05/08/09
Dr. Lions. She was either European or Eastern European. She was young, and beautiful, with a heavy accent. She was horrible and mean. At the same time, I can empathize with her probable constant frustration with her job.
I absolutely believe that my daughter is a gift that has been "loaned" to me for a very short time. She is so precious.
In my heart I feel as though she is here on this earth and in my life to bring about healing and change. This might just be grandiosity, but I don't find any harm in entertaining the notion.
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