Today, while spending two hours in the laundry room while half asleep, I started contemplating what it means to be courageous. Courage, in my experience, has been equated with facing your fears and taking chances. Pretty simple, right?
Well, being half asleep, I did what I always seem to do when I'm in said state of mind: I started contemplating things in relation to myself. This, in general, tends to be the biggest mistake I could make when I want to be able to relate to people. Allow me to explain with the resulting train of thought.
For me, the things that are hardest and that I fear most are those little demons inside of myself, those little voices that are remnants of things past and tell me, over and over again, that I can't accomplish anything, nothing I ever do will amount to anything, that everyone would be happier without me in their lives, and no matter how much I try to ignore them, they're always there, always making me feel awful about myself. The only way to triumph and finally be able to wholly and completely love myself is to face down those voices, to find their roots and pull them out into the open.
But that takes a lot of courage. A lot of courage that I can't seem to get a handle on. I do so well, I make it so far, and every time, just when it seems I'll succeed, my courage fails me, and I find myself terrified of what I'll find buried in my subconscious and without the courage to pull it into the open despite that terror.
I just can't seem to keep my courage when I need it. Here's an excerpt from what I scribbled into my journal:
How can I keep my courage from failing me when I'm faced with insurmountable uncertainty? Lord, give me the strength to turn my soul inside out, for if courage be fickle, I'll do without.
I wrote it as a kind of personal prayer, yes, but I stand by what I wrote. If my courage is going to be fickle on me, I'm through with it. I'm done trying to be courageous in conquering myself. I'm stubborn as an ox and determined to boot, and I'll have to rely on these traits to get me through. I may be choosing the longer and more difficult road in my personal journey, but I'm tired of coming so close only to fall into self-loathing and depression all over again. So I'm just going to stand my ground and stay where I'm at. I'm going to refuse to regress and slide back to where I used to be. But I'm not going to be so aggressive in dealing with myself anymore if I'm not going to be able to follow through with it. I can't take much more disappointment in myself in this respect, so I'm going to just tough my way through it for a while longer. I'm not going to depend upon fickle courage anymore.
You must have a lot of conflict within. I have the same problem sometimes. I tend to turn inward and attack myself with insults and with blurrs of past memories. Sometimes i am so ashamed of myself that i bend my head downward and refuse to look at anyone straight in the face. I think it is because i expect too much from myself.
your prayer is beautiful
I do have a lot of internal conflict. Mine's mostly because I know I can do well and succeed, but I'm always pulled down by the remnants of my self-hate. It's not fun. But I'm confident enough in my stubbornness to get me though.
And that's comin' at ya' from yer local redneck hippie.
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Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!!!
I have done it twice, it’s like formatting a hard disk while, leaving the software unaffected.
It’s extremely purifying.
http://www.wowzone.com/monkey.htm
I nearly managed that tonight... nearly. my brain doesn't like to reboot. It likes to freeze up or crash.
BUT...
It has happened before. Like, two weeks ago, actually. Ah, how wonderful it felt! Of course, I have my magic NES for making it possible.
And that's comin' at ya' from yer local redneck hippie.
--
Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!!!
Voices like you were saying earlier in your post about them telling you everyone would be happier without me and things like that, tell me these things also. You have to learn how to shut them off which it sounds like you are trying to do. This has been hard and it is hard to say these things to you right now when at the moment these voices are haunting me as I type.
I have alot of interal conflicts as well and they eat at me like rabid wolves and it is especially hard when no one understands you and you have no one to turn to. (I am not sure if you have that problem). You won't be able to fix yourself overnight or even as soon as you may want. It is a process. I always wanted quick fixes, but sadly it doesn't work that way. Maybe try and make a list of things you are struggling with then as you achieve them cross them off. This has worked some what for me.
Sorry to disappoint you, but I am voting for Lewis Black.
DrifterDani~
I've actually made it this far only because I did have someone to turn to... but as you've read my most recent post, I'll not go into that here.
I definitely know that it's a process... a long, terrifying, heart-wrenching process that threatens to drive me up the wall sometimes. But now that I've become aware that I shouldn't be feeling this way and that I can overcome this conflict, little by little, I'm definitely not turning back. Not ever.
And that's comin' at ya' from yer local redneck hippie.
--
Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!!!
Stay positive and keep on trucking! I am going to try although the road seem bumpy and broken.
http://www.progressiveu.org/043043-mom-i-can-finally-write-you-letter
Sorry to disappoint you, but I am voting for Lewis Black.
DrifterDani~
Sorry to be so cliched, but I think it is true, "God never gives you more than you can handle."
It's hard to grow, make breakthroughs, progress, and then suddenly find yourself face down in the mud. But that's how it goes.
I believe that I have reached enlightenment, but it is fleeting. And sometimes it makes everyday life that much more painful, because it felt so good to be consciously connected to God. It gave me a new high point, so other things weren't as satisfying. And, sadly, I cannot just will these experiences whenever I want.
I just want to say to you, I have been on a long road to recovery, too. My life didn't start out too great, and got terribly worse. I have been suicidal, attempted suicide, coming very close to success. But, once I regained consciousness, I thought, well if I have to live this crappy life, why not try to figure out how to make it better.
It wasn't until about 5 years ago, when I was 25, that I "saw the light," and was hit with the reality that I really did have all the power I needed to create a life completely uninfected and separate from my upbringing. Oddly, this idea scared the living crap out of me, and it took me awhile to adjust. I still have a lot I am working on, but for the most part, I consider myself, "90% recovered."
So, my hope for you is that you will learn that no one moment defines anything. No matter how bad a particular moment, hour, day, week, month, or year feels, it will pass, and there will be a time, if you push through it, when you will look back, and you will understand how it was only one portion of your life's path, and you will be free to turn away from that, and start again with better tools and a better perspective.
"Just keep swimming" As Dori would say.
There are certain degrees of enlightenment, a person which reaches a full enlightenment will remain in this state until the end of his/her ride in the physical.
To maintain enlightenment other than a full one is hard, because it requires a certain discipline in order to prevent oneself to shift out of balance.
When this shifting out of balance does occur, the individual will most likely plunge into a deep depression!
To walk around without an ego is fun and very purifying, but to fall back into the old “you” or “I” can be a very painful process of acceptance. Therefore depression is never a far away reality to follow right after.
The energy which was abundant is no longer and its confusing to understand the reason why this gift is no longer a reality.
Whenever we hit our face against the wall, we need to take a moment to figure out what happened, stand back upon our feet and proceed, all this regardless of how hard live hits us in the face, suicide is never a solution or an option to consider, never ever!
Some amongst go through misery and misfourtunes only to come out much stronger than they ever could have believed to become. No matter what, to follow trough is the answer to it all, one needs to consider it as a growing process.
You write well and make a lot of sense in what you bring inside your comments.
Still need to read your blogs, and properly comment on this one, which I will do soon.
http://www.wowzone.com/monkey.htm