So, I just found out my mom has skin cancer

I'm not being very productive today at work. Matter of fact, the most productive thing I've done today was stare at the wall. I can hardly even think straight; I feel guilty, I feel like crying, I feel like I want to tell someone, I feel like I just want to go home and go back to bed. I want to shove my keyboard out of the way and put my head down on my desk and sob. It's all so reminiscent of everything that has happened in my life. My grandma died of cancer, her sister died of cancer, my dad survived cancer, and now my mom has it. I know it could be worse, but I'm on the other side of the world, and her other health issues are a whole 'nother story.

When I got home from work last night, I IMed my mom, and she asked me to call her. She doesn't do that unless she has bad news. She said I could either call her at work or on her cell phone, so I logically concluded that no one in our immediate family had died because I knew she wouldn't have gone to work. Cautiously, and trying to keep calm, I changed the battery in my phone and found 엄마한디폰 (mom cell phone) and pushed call. She answered and made small talk; everything I said had that suspicious tone, like, "Why are you talking to me about this? Get to the point!" Finally, she said I should look up "basal cell carcinoma." My first question, of course, was, who has it? She said that she got some skin tags removed and one of them tested positive for basal cell carcinoma, and that she was going back to the doctor on the 23rd. We talked for a little while longer, all the while I was holding back my tears. If I cried, it would only stress her out because there's nothing she can do about it. Before I left for Korea she said, "If you're homesick, and want to come home, and you hate it there...don't call me; there's nothing I can do for you and it only makes me feel worse."

After we hung up, I bawled like a child who didn't get the lollipop they wanted from the store. I texted a couple of my friends here to see where they were, but they were all out saying goodye to a coworker, or drinking with coworkers, or sleeping. I texted my friend Chris and asked if I could come over, he said yes, so I headed up the stairs. I had mostly stopped crying, but my eyelashes dotted with tears, moisture under my red eyes, and my rudolph nose gave me away. I walked into his apartment and immediately he asked what was wrong. I blurted out "My mom has skin cancer!" and buried my face in the sleeves of my sweatshirt, crying again. I never knew a hug could feel so comforting. I'm not much of a touchy feely person with my friends, but now I feel like I want people to hug me more often. He pulled me to his chest and just held me while I cried.

When I had calmed down, we talked a little bit about it. He told me that his dad had cancer too, and eventually we got off the topic of cancer and watched clips of Saturday Night Live making fun of Obama/Clinton/McCain/Biden/Palin. I felt much better once I left his place, but now I'm back in the same situation I was in before I went to his house: I'm upset. Basal cell carcinoma is apparently the most common type of skin cancer, and it's known for not spreading. The procedure is relatively simple: go to affected site, take a layer, test it for the cancer, if positive, take another layer, test it again, repeat until tests are negative.

I know that worrying will not help, but I got my obsession with worrying from her. It's been a long time since my dad had cancer; I was just a child when we found out he had non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, so I'm not really sure how to handle this. I wish I were home to be with my mom, but I can't be. She'll be fine, but I'm just worried.

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