So I've been so anxious I can't even do guided meditation in my Childbirth Educator workshop I took this weekend...and part of it is my living situation (I'm still jobless and still living in a tent, three weeks after my return to Portland, and the people whose backyard I'm staying in are asking me daily now when I'll be gone..) anyway, that is super-stressful, but also, the weather has turned dark and rainy and wintry here in Portland, and that makes me constantly on edge for some reason, because unlike Upstate New York, where you can feel the rain coming in your bones and you get a little anxious and then it comes hard, crazy, intense, maybe as a thunderstorm or with wind, here in Portland, the rain never stops coming, so you are constantly feeling that anxiousness, waiting for a change in the weather.
At least, that is how it feels to me...
Anxiety has been a constant with me since I was born, however...maybe even before I was born. My parents where young, both where 22 when they conceived me, and I don't think they where actually ready to be parents, or knew what they wanted. I was born breech, which means I came out butt-first, and some childbirth experts say that that is a good indicator that the baby was stressed in the womb; that he or she was so stressed, he or she didn't feel relaxed enough to move into that head-down position that most babies take right before birth. I don't know if that is true for me or not, but that certainly feels like it could be. My mom, especially, was sort of ambivalent about having a baby right then...she says she got pregnant to make my dad happy and keep him in her life...so, obviously, I was more of a strategy for her, rather then a real desire to be a parent. As a midwifery student, this is a lot of heavy shit to deal with...I have felt unloved most of my life, and am feeling that very intensely right now...I feel as alone as a person can feel, despite being in a large city, constantly surrounded by folks...this in a way, is much more irritating then if I where feeling lonely and was ACTUALLY ALONE. I think that if I where having these feelings out in the woods somewhere, I wouldn't feel such an intense depression. I'm thinking maybe I should move away from Portland.
love ya,
Carrot
