my life

my real name is Khrystianna, i am 19 yrs old and was born aug 13, 1989. i am a fornicated child meaning my parents conceived me out of marriage. my mother is catholic and my father agnostic, my mother had wanted to call me Loisa like my older brother Luis, but God had sent her a dream stating that my name would and is Khrystianna (cri-sti-a-na) which is 'Christian/Christ Follower' in spanish. once i was 8 months old my parents got in a fight that involved the police and thus my father sent to jail and me and my brother sent under the custody of my grandmother Irene Chavez.
my mother follows me and my brother and plays it that we are under her custody which we grow to believe until i became 14 yrs of age and learned the truth from my father. my mother being catholic taught me how to say my hail mary's but after they would fall asleep i liked to believe God could hear my prayers if i talked to him as a personal friend, so i did and he would answer me everytime i would ask him to give me a good day and forgive my mom for being mad at us. but then my grandmother died when i was 7 and i didn't want to talk to God anymore after that. at the age of 10 the bank reposed our home and we moved from town to town, house to house and life was miserable. at 11 i was already 150lbs and growning, feeling ugly, fat, lonely, and thus i turned suicidal. i was too chicken to actually carry out actions but i thought about comnmitting it numerous amount of times. finally my mom got tired of the single mother life struggling to keep her children fed and well she gives us an option to live with her struggling or to go with my dad and live in our old home town of baldwin park. since my father was missing from my life until i was like 5, and i only saw him every once in a while, i always loved him cuz he cared for me and was nothing like the lies my mother and aunts told me which is why i think they rejected me more than my brother cuz he was a mommy's-boy but i was a daddy's girl.
so at 12yrs old, 5'6 and 170lbs, discouraged and unloved i move in with my dad and family consisting of my stepmom, Liz (who i later call "mom"), my younger half brother and sister who i consider full blood cuz we come from the same dad, and my grandmother mary, very cool and very awesome. as soon as i get there my dad puts me to live life as i should and does his best to give me everything but due to my lifestyle i was raised on, it only turned him to constant anger. although me and my father loved each other dearly, i had a small fear of my father that he would beat me so i was so close yet so distant. many things happen through the years that our relationship as a family was tearing into 2 and from so much stress and unhappiness i just was tired.
at 15 yrs of age the family got a new puppy named munchkin that was a tiny ball of fluff that was dear to my stepmom who hated me at the moment. i was stuck with taking out the dog to do his buisness and i had forgotten to shut the gate, so when munchkin saw something in the street and ran to it, i care more about the dogs life than my own cause i knew that if that dog died, so would i. so the next thing i know im running into the street on a red light to my favor but then i hear tires screech, head lights and the roof of a car and then the next thing i find is myself on my back looking at the hospital ceiling. the doctors tell me im in critical condition cause i was hit by a car. luckily the dog was alive but that my body was torn up. if i was a few inches shorter i would have died but thanking God for my then 5' 7 1/2" body i was grateful for my tallness. i spend 3 days in trauma, 3 wks in hospital/rehabilitaion, and 3 months in a wheel chair because my pelvic bone was broken into 5 pieces. once i learn how to walk everything was going great. i found out who where my true friends, i was involved in a sport that helped me to be more physically active and my brother tried to turn me to christianity but i didn't feel like trying the whole Jesus thing again because previously my friends had judged me for trying to change them and show them Jesus Christ.
so at 16 i join colorguard and go thru a whole season of my team getting 1st place for feild season and 5th for state champion out of the top 10, so when court season comes around, i come across James Green who i got to know for 2 wks and by pure horomones and lust, become his girlfriend for the next 2 months that i try to hide from my parents. i then become tired of just making out and finding that i have nothing in common with my "boyfriend" so i then search for ways to get him to break up with me but since he didn't want to let me go or his chance of taking my virginity, i tell him that if i catch him fighting i would break up with him. sure enough in 2 days i walk on campus to find him in a fight and i tell him its over then and there.i spend the next 4 months trying to keep him away from me and my body when my heart finds this time James Seiw, in which even though he wasn't drop dead goregeous i was attracted to him by some type of connection that he felt it too. we become friends and later after knowing eachother for 3-4 months we both confess that we love eachother and become a true emotion-filled relationship that he respected me and i was there for him even though i had to bat away the rumors that he was bisexual when it was true but since he was mine i didn't care. after 5 months of happiness my dad brings it to a halt and forces us to break up because he didn't trust my boyfriend.
i was 17 and working so when i graduate from high school to get back at my dad and get over my break up with James that broke both our hearts, i sneak out in the middle of the night to the corner of my block and drive off w/ some 25yr old to go have sex in the back of his car. that was the beginning of the end of my former life. i got busted a week later and then kicked out in 2 months. for the next 4 months i manage to pass through 7 different bedrooms, 8 different houses, a list of friendships, and 9 partners in which i had sexual relations with. the last 2 weeks of my wandering involved me going for a walk in which i was mistaken for a prostitute numerous times because i wore a skirt barely above my knee caps and flip flops. on an attempt to tell someone off for thinking i was a prostitute another persuer shows up and tries to get to me as well. so after telling them both off the first one stays and says that because he wants to be a "good samaritan" offers to drive me home, after 10 minutes of convincing me i become stupid enough to get into the car and end up in the guys apartment. for the next week i was raped and humiliated by this 43 yr old man (i was 18 at the time). too ashamed to go home and not knowing where i was, as well as too scared to fight back cause he was stronger than me i manage to get out and had to give sex to stay the night, then i got away from there where my male friend Henry helps me,and himself, to a weekend to ourselves. he then takes me to the place in which i was living at for the moment. upset that i was using their home as a motel they were ready to put me on the street when they then say they have a relative that is the director of a womens recovery home from victory outreach.
i entered into The Home hoping for a place to stay and get back on my feet, what i find there was something that turned my life upside down. i wasn't looking for Jesus but he found me, now after 16 months of being saved and walking with Jesus Christ in my life, i understand the reason that everything happened in my life for a reason. I thank God for my salvation, my new family, my new life, dignity, purpose, everything i have and that i dont carry some kind of disease, that im not weighed down by kids when i am just one myself, that i have a job and respect. i thank God that he died on the cross for me because he loves me.