I recently had a conversation with a parent who said one of their children's teachers does not feel children should be given consequences. She said that the teacher says consequences plant a seed of guilt in the child, and make them feel like they're a bad person. I think I understand where the teacher is coming from, however I feel it is important for children to be given consequences. Read on to find out why....
Reason #1
Life has consequences. No matter how much you try to protect your children from consequences, eventually they will do something that will have consequences you can't prevent. Considering this, wouldn't you rather your children learn about consequences from you when they are young and the consequences are relatively insignificant, over waiting until they're adults and the world teaches them with consequences that are much more permanent?
Reason #2
Feeling a little bit of guilt can be a good thing. It's what makes you want to apologize for what you did, and not make the same mistake again. It's a way of knowing you've done something wrong. You could even equate guilt with conscience. Of course guilt is only a good thing in small quantities, and it's always important for children understand that they are loved and they aren't “bad people” even when their actions are bad.
Reason #3
Overprotective parents, or in this case teachers, need to stop trying to shelter their kids from everything, and start teaching children to take responsibility for their actions. Children are tougher then most people think, and they also learn quickly, so a little tough love won't hurt, as long as it's tough love and not just tough. Can you imagine what the future would be like if every child learned to accept responsibility for their actions and deal with the consequences in a mature, or as mature as is appropriate for their age, way?
Some things to keep in mind when giving consequences:
It's crucially important that children understand what the consequences are FOR in order to learn from them, so talk to the child about what they did wrong, and what would be a better thing to do. Assure the child that you still love them, even if you don't like their actions. Try to find appropriate consequences, which aren't overly harsh in relation to the behavior, for example you could ask them to clean up (or help clean up) some thing they spilled, or have them apologize and give back the toy they took from a sibling. If you and/or your child are upset, take some time to cool off, then talk about what they did. Also remember that consequences can go both ways, so make sure to reward them for good behavior, too.
It's so strange, too. Up until the mid-80s, we were perfectly content with the way we were raising children. Then, we suddenly decided that we should change the system, even though nothing was wrong with the previous one.
--Mike
It's interesting that the 80's is when the children of the 60's had grown up and were having kids. The 60's is when the moral framework of our country began to seriously degrade. When right and wrong go away then consequences aren't something to be learned from but something to fight.
Hmmm, I agree with the post.
Can't comment on the sixties. Wasn't born till till the 80's so I can't say allot about that either. I only a little about the ninties and hte now
I also can't say much about the 60s and 80s, but to those who have, do you think that's really when people started to change the way the raised children, or do you think the way children are raised has always been changing and we notice recent changes more since we know people who were raised before those changes?
One thing I notice is that the punishment always seems to fit the crime at first, and then the punishment grows.
What I mean is this, I have a very *busy* 5 year old nephew/Godchild named Brandon. He gets into every thing and talks back to every one but me. He's even gone so far as to tell his father that he will only listen to me. When I go over there, he'll be digging or throwing something, and his father will put him in a time out for 10 minutes. By the end of the day, Brandon's father is so frustrated with him, he's no longer in time out for 10 minutes, but he'll be there for over an hour.
That's where it gets hard. Children have crap for memories accompanied by a five-minute attention span. They learn through repetition. So if digging in the refrigerator and sneaking food is punishable by ten minutes of time out, every time that child digs in the refrigerator and sneaks food should only be ten minutes in time out until he learns.
And yes, there should be consequences. Children have to learn to take responsibility for their actions.
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"Dream as though you'll live forever, but live as though there's no tomorrow" --James Dean
http://www.progressiveu.org/user/fanaile-drupal-org
That's too true. The younger the child the shorter the attention span, and everyone learns from repetition, so when parents make the consequences longer and worse as they get more frustrated it can be counter productive. Also you didn't mention if you've asked Brandon why he digs through the refigerator. If you can identify a reason for his behavior, it might be easier for you/his parents to help him modify his behavior to be less disruptive (although at five he may not have the reasoning skills to talk about his behavior).
I agree with your comment, but sometimes parents punish their childs very harsh. That punishment often leaves kids hating their parents, and the relationship of that child/parent goes downhill from their.
I never let my schooling interfere with my education. - Mark Twain
She said that the teacher says consequences plant a seed of guilt in the child, and make them feel like they're a bad person.
Obviously the teacher feels she's a bad person and, if she really believes this bunk, she is.
The Hamas, and the Hellabazoo, the Hezballoo, have to really be cut, this cancer cut, out of our society now. -- Charles Rangel (D, NY)
I think you're right on target with this entire post. Consequences happen and there's no denying that. (Newton's third law of phsyics: For every action there is a[n equal and opposite] reaction. Since human life is complicated its not quite the same as physics; not all consequences are equal and opposite reactions of any given action, but the consequences most certainly exist in some form.) Children must come to this realization about life sooner or later, and I agree that its best if parents introduce the concept to their children from an early age.
As for the guilt, that's another part of life. Sometimes our actions hurt other people, and guilt is a mechanism by which we learn not to always be only self-serving. Cognizant parents should figure out how to provide consequences to their children without instilling unhealthy guilt.
Another good point you made is that not all consequences are negative. Some actions have positive consequences, and children need to learn that all actions have consequences of some sort, and different actions have different consequences.
/jkh
Thanks for your support. It's good to see someone I've read post by appreciates what I've written.
I think the butterfly effect explains it much better than Newton.
--Mike
Consequences are not neccessarily negative. I think that is the main issue with the teacher's argument.
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