"If I died...would you come to my funeral?" A question one of my best friends asked me today. It struck a chord within me, because I've found myself wanting to ask people that same question so many times before. She is hurting, and as a result, I am hurting, because I know exactly how she feels, and there is nothing I can do to help her overcome those feelings...
Alone. Shrouded in darkness, in doubt. It eats away at you, constantly gnawing until you can take it no more. The need to know for sure, the knowledge that you can't, the inability to simply have faith. Alone. Shrouded in darkness, in doubt...
Does anyone really care? How much of what they're telling me is the truth? Will they stand by me, or walk away when the going gets rough? Who is true, and who is not? Would they be worried if something happened to me? Would they be upset if I was hurt? Would they even care at all if...if I died?
Feelings that won't go away. Doubt that cannot be overcome. The need to have what you cannot hold onto anymore. Being alone, scared, confused, doubtful, upset...hurting, but afraid, or even unable to let anyone help.
The world as you thought you knew it, falling apart before your very eyes. You have no control over anything. Needing a friend, someone to confide in and seek support from, but letting doubts get in the way. Fear of betrayal reigns over the darkness, digging its icy grip into the heart, the soul, poisoning the mind with its torture.
This place, where I have been many times in my life, is not somewhere that anyone deserves to be. To be hurting so badly, knowing that you need a friend, but unable to talk to anyone. To have doubts about everyone's sincerity, coupled with an intense need to be certain. It comes slowly or quickly, creeping up on you over time as the seeds of doubt germinate and take root, or latching onto your heart with such a frenzied fury that it takes you by surprise.
It follows betrayal, hardship, and insecurities. It provokes that voice in the back of your mind, and its whisperings follow you wherever you go. You cannot get away, you cannot block it out. It devours you, a little at a time, until you cannot take it anymore. It overwhelms you to the point of breaking.
Nothing anyone can say or do will help. You cannot see what is going on in their minds, hear their thoughts or know their feelings. But you need to know. You do not want to be betrayed, to be stabbed in the back by someone you trusted. The very thought grips your heart with fear and agony. You need to know, but you cannot know. And you cannot bring yourself to have faith.
It is an internal battle, one that you could very easily lose. Overcoming those feelings, that gnawing doubt, and learning to trust again is one of the hardest things a person could do. It takes time and determination. The way is not clear, not even to those who have been there before. The path through the turmoil is constantly changing, and must be felt out in the darkness. The journey is slow and painful.
But it is possible. It is possible to learn to trust again, to learn to be happy and conquer that doubt. Life is ful of its ups and downs, and it is much easier to go down than it is to climb back up. It always will be. But with determination to overcome your inhibitions, you can always make it back out, and allow yourself to feel and accept without question the love and friendship you have. Because you can never know for sure, but you can take it on faith. The hard part is learning to find that faith once again. But it is possible...
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