Harmony Grove is the ONLY place where getting a piece of cake on your birthday is considered a form of torture.
It was Nicola's birthday today (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KIWI!!! <3) and wow....hilarity ensued at the dinner table tonight. Stories were told, pictures were taken (which will NEVER be shown to anyone). I consider the people here to be some of my best friends...they understand me like no one else could and we all have the same sense of humor. Nicola and I have that thing where you can look at each other and have an entire conversation. This happens a lot during therapy sessions with Francine. Heh heh.
So I've been in transition a few days now and have been feeling really, really good. Granted, most of the meals I've eaten have still been at the house, so I guess that doesn't really give me a good estimate to how things work in the real world. But at lunch yesterday with Erica and Alyssa, I ordered avacado on my salad to make sure it had fat. I was very, very proud of myself. I did opt out of getting dressing, but hey. These things take time.
So I'm officially not enrolled in SDSU. And I was all set to go "find myself" and go on with my recovery, and then reality gave me a huge-ass bitch slap that left a welt. My mom--my unemotional, detached mother--called me in TEARS on Sunday morning about how we can't get health insurance for my treatment if I'm not a full time student and yada yada yada. I was like "Whoa....this is weird." It was extremely uncomfortable, to say the least. No wonder my parents freak out when I start crying in front of them. It is not a pleasant sport to spectate.
Anyways, so now I'm enrolled at Grossmont Community College. Online classes only, so no matter where I live, I can still go to school and receive credit and health insurance and a guaranteed fruitful life.
....
Since classes start next week, I didn't exactly have the pick of the litter when it came to choosing classes. What was one of the classes I chose, you ask?
BASIC KEYBOARDING.
ONE CREDIT.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Believe me, when you're DESPERATE, you will take basic keyboarding. And I don't want to overwhelm myself with school work. I'm just doing this for the credit. I mastered the art of the keyboard in fourth grade. Paws Party, baby. Mrs. Weidemeyer.
I have the WEIRDEST schedule ever. Financial Accounting (what?? It was 4 credits, whatever), Parent Education (do you know what that is?? Because I sure don't....1 credit), Intro to Human Aging (no comment...3 credits) and Intro to Administration of Justice (let me reiterate...WHAT??? Oh well, 3 credits). I wanted to take something interesting, like in pyschology, but all the classes were taken. However, I'm #8 on the waiting list for the only psych class available online...Human Sexuality. Tee hee. The counselor at Grossmont told me that I have a really good chance of getting in the class, since I'm number 8. If I get in, I'll drop one of my other 3 credit classes and replace it with that.
I can't believe I actually drove my ass to Grossmont today to meet with a counselor. That's one of the things about my eating disorder--it has taken away my will and motivation to do ANYTHING. When I was at SDSU, there were so many appointments,meetings, and even PHONE CALLS that I skipped out on because I was too tired or too weak or too depressed to actually go. It wouldn't take much effort, but I literally couldn't do it. It may seem so silly--feeling excited that I met with a counselor--but after I did it I was like "Holy shit. I accomplished something on my own for the first time in like 6 months!!!"
I actually liked the campus. It was smaller. It didn't look anything like SDSU--thank God. It would've been nice to actually GO to school there, but if I'm not in the area next semester, that won't be possible. Oh, well.
I am so, so relieved to not be going back to State. You know how you meet someone, and right away you know you hate them and you'll NEVER get along?? Yeah, that was me and State. Maybe because so many shitty things happened at the beginning, it tainted my entire experience there. I am so glad to be getting away from there.
I feel like now I'm living more on my own terms. I'm not being forced into anything (except kind of school...but it's online, and it's BASIC KEYBOARDING!! so whatever) and that makes everything seem better. Even if nothing else changed, the fact that I'm here because I want to be or because I'm doing what I want to do makes me so much happier.
I've really come to appreciate my friends lately. I realized that, everyone back in Wisconsin has been SO SO amazing. I've always known that, but it's really been made apparent to me lately. They've always told me "Of course we want you back. But if you're happy there, you should do what's right for you." They've always had my best interests at heart, and I am so so lucky to have them in my life. No one makes me laugh like Amber or Meagan do and no one listens to me better than Tom and no one is more empathetic than Jen and no one relates to me like Amber Zio and no one is as crazy as THE Miss Julie Graham. Every time I talk to them, I feel like nothing's changed. Like I just saw them a minute ago. Every day at breakfast we say what we're grateful for, and tomorrow, they'll definitely be getting a mention :).
I've been getting along surprisingly well with my parents lately. As well as I can, with them. They visited yesterday to bring down some paperwork I thought I might need for school, and they were actually SYMPATHETIC. And they didn't yell or sound exasperated or get defensive. Maybe it's because of the Everything You Need To Know About Dealing With a Family Member Who Has an Eating Disorder!! packet that was sent out to all our families, but my parents actually didn't piss me off. My dad actually started a sentence, and then stopped and said "Oh, we're not supposed to talk about food. Right."
Props, Big Daddy. Good job.
I used to feel torn about a lot of things. And now, some things I was scared of I'm not anymore. I see things clearer. But there's still some things that I feel really conflicted about and the only way I can think of a solution is just waiting it out and seeing what happens. But ugh! I'm impatient. I'm impulsive, I do things without thinking, and I need to learn to work on that.
36 DAYS HEALTHY!!!
