While Everyone Else is Still Sleeping
In July, my erratic behaviors unfortunately lead me to a week long stay in Cedars Sinai. I had experienced the psychological realization of my actions just days before, but it wasn't soon enough. Along with the mental wake-up call, within days I had endured the physical as well. The suffering I felt can only be described as the most painful experience a human being can endure.
I was caught up. The transition from small town New Hampshire to big city Hollywood had not only worn me out, but shook me to my core. I was burning the candle at both ends. I was allowing myself to be pulled in to many directions and I was losing myself.
I realized the club hopping and "making new friends" was not satisfying me...it was a way to numb myself. I noticed that each day I would find myself fantasizing about spending my weekends hiking, reading, bike riding, painting and exploring nature. When Monday awoke, I hadn't accomplished one single dream. I was saying yes to other people, people who wanted me around just so I was there, as entertainment. When with these other bodies, I wasn't learning much besides the fact that I wasn't happy. I wasn't where I wanted to be. I wasn't where I was supposed to be.
The pain hit me fast. I collapsed and found myself begging to the Goddesses to please make it stop. I would do anything for it all to stop. I offered a lifetime without any more joy if they could just strip me from the agony. Hours pass in the emergency room, hunched over, curled up, gripping my fists tighter than I ever thought possible and moaning like a dying animal while squirming around like a suffocating fish. It wasn't just my mind that had suffered and collected the stress, so had my body.
The doctor's said I was just hours away from dying. At twenty-three years old my life could have ended.
Every day we live with the risk of dying from some freak accident, but we also live each day with the knowledge and ability to be healthy human beings. I couldn't stand the thought of my cause of my last moments in time to be something so fixable, so controllable. I hadn't been listening to my bodies signals and I was paying for it.
Being sick is bad enough, but worse when you are thousands of miles from home, without family or friends...the people who have been there from the beginning. If this had occurred at home, my hospital room would have been filled with flowers and cards, but more importantly loved ones. Words, feelings and thoughts are so surfaced here. My world was flooded with text messages and Myspace comments, but no live action. No one-on-one or face-to-face communication. I need to feel love. I need to see love. I'm not sure if it is here.
My mom flew here to take care of me. Not only did she take care of me, but she reminded me what was important to me, what is real, what life is about. She brought me home.
A satisfying life is one where you have fun with the people who you have a balanced relationship with, where you can enjoy yourself, your real self, and your time alone, one where you have discovered what makes you happy...and you do what truly fulfills you. A satisfying life is one where you value yourself and spend energy in the right areas for you, for the right reasons for you, one where you learn and grow as you make decisions and explore. A satisfying life is not superficial, jealous, cruel or lazy. It is difficult and emotional and you will know when you have felt it. It won't just fall from the sky though. You have to find it, search for it...want it.
Let us wake up...even if everyone else is still sleeping.
