Give Me Daylight!

I'm exhausted. But in that did-a-lot-during-the-day, need-to-just-chill-out kind of tired. Not sleepy-because-it-sucks-being-awake kind of tired. The family decided we needed a DAY! OF! BONDING! so we went to UNIVERSAL STUDIOS HOLLYWOOD ("The Entertainment Capital of LA!"--I swear to God, had I heard that saying ONE MORE fucking time, there would've been casualties).

It was okay. In that dorky, touristy with the parents type of day. Now I'm home, finished dinner, and hmmm. "Hmmm" being that I'm started to feel that nightly thing. The depression, the sadness, the memories that are really depressing that like to come out at night. And then thoughts of bingeing and purging come to mind.

I'm fine during the day. Well, the bulimic in me is fine. I can restrict and overexercise during the day (which I haven't done lately, by the way) but I can count the number of times on one hand that I've binged and purged during the day. 2 or 3, I think. I can have the best day of my life, but then when it's night, I get tired, I get sad, I get bored, I torture myself by listening to music that will do nothing but depress me.

But hey! I have my own room now! Yesterday was "Moving Day" and I FINALLY have a fucking room. Problem was, I have these closet doors that are these big mirrors. They're not really doors, they're just mirrors. I didn't want these fuckers in my room, especially since my bed is DIRECTLY in front of these babies. Like, I don't look good as it is, but seeing myself first thing every morning at the CRACK OF DAWN?! That's enough to make me go back to bed immediately. So I covered those fuckers up with posters (the infamous Audrey Hepburn one from summer '05 is up there ;-) and notes that the girls from Partial made me before I left. They're so sweet--it was for my "ED Emergency Kit" and they're a definite self-esteem boost.

Ughhh. I found my junior and senior year yearbooks yesterday and was looking through my senior one (I refuse to look through my junior one on account of those Anne Frank pictures--I still plan on hunting down whoever was on yearbook staff that apparently had some vendetta against me and submitted those fucking things) and I read what Mr. Mulligan wrote. Something about how he thinks I will "Dare to disturb the universe" or some shit like that. Now, I think that's a positive thing. And maybe I'm already doing it? Not hiding my Ed and just being honest and blunt about everything. I feel disturbed, myself. And you?

It also made me think about the two writing contests I won during high school, since Mulligan was a judge for them. How the HELL did I win those?! Not that I'm some sophisticated, worldly gal now, but I think I know a hell of a lot more about...hmmm...EVERYTHING since high school. Seriously. How the fuck did I find writing material?? You're supposed to write what you know. Well, if you've never experienced pain, trauma, change, loss, etc., how are you going to write anything of intrigue?? Although I must give myself props for that "3.14" story. In my opinion, that was a BOMB ass idea.

Weird tidbit: one of my brother's friends (sidenote--how depressing is it that my brother--and for those who have met Greg, even once, will get this--that HE has friends over (MULTIPLE ONES?!?) and I don't?!) who's of the female variety invited me to her "Girls' Night Slumber Party." Um. Okay? I don't know when it is, but I'm thinking that weekend I'll happen to come down with lyme disease or psorisis or something.

I'm thinking of asking my mom to watch "Friends" again tonight. Maybe that will help. Once again, last night we watched it, and afterwards, I wanted to binge. In fact, during the whole last episode we watched ("The One With the Dozen Lasagnas"), all I could think about was bingeing and purging. Then, one of my brother's (gulp) friends wouldn't LEAVE and he was standing in the kitchen and I wasn't about to start stuffing my face in front of some stranger and I was tired as hell so I just went to bed. Which is literally a HUGE accomplishment for me, yet I don't really feel extremely happy or proud. I think I'm still so unhappy with my looks right now that these little milestones aren't making an impression on me. Or maybe it's because I feel the clock is just ticking. I've gone so many 2, 3 day periods without bingeing or purging that I say "YES! I'VE BEATEN IT!" only to fall back into the pattern that very night that I don't have very much hope anymore.

But I do have a little.