Thou Shall Not Lust After Thy Pastor: Day 28

Today. Sunday. The day of the Lord. The Sabbath.

I can't believe I actually went to church today. On the way there, I was even thinking "What the hell am I doing?" I've never been a Godly type of gal, I guess. I mean, I believe in God, I pray every night before I go to bed, but I'm just not into the whole Let's-All-Go-Worship! thing.

So we get to the church, and when I found out what the sermon was going to be on for that day, I laughed.

Today's topic?

Fasting.

FASTING. GIVING UP FOOD. "I'm not anorexic, I'm doing this for the Lord!" We wound up leaving after like 30 minutes. The first 15 of which I felt I was at a Christian rock concert (one place I hope to never, ever be). This church was so high-tech (for a house o' worship) it was unbelievable. The song lyrics were on a big screen so all of God's children could sing along. There were fancy lights, backup singers, etc. I was like "Uhh....what IS this?? It hasn't been THAT long since I've been to church!" Then Pastor McDreamy came out. Thank goodness we left, because I was having some very unholy thoughts about this man.

After that, the day just kind of went downhill. My parents came. I think I'm psychic. Either that or I just know my parents very, very well. I woke up with a nervous stomach and was apprehensive about their visit all day. They got here, and within ONE MINUTE of walking in the house, made an inappropriate comment. Let's just say it involved my dad mentioning In-N-Out-Burger. In front of everyone. Dear Lord. Maybe this was God's revenge for leaving the service early?? Hmmm....something to think about.

We then went to Torrey Pines, this really beautiful state park by the ocean. While we were there, my mother informed me of my dad's love for the show "The Biggest Loser." Thanks, mom. Before I went back home, we went to Starbucks where I most definitely ordered a Venti. When I asked my dad what he was drinking, he said "Just plain coffee. The other drinks are too high in calories."

...

Okay, first of all, DO YOU KNOW WHERE I AM?!?! And second of all, if you're so concerned about calories, then that maple scone you're scarfing down must be the epitome of health food, huh, motherfucker?? I THINK NOT. Oh, my god. First of all, maple scones just sound disgusting. But I was pissed. And stressed. And thought "If he doesn't either finish that fucking scone or throw it away, I'm gonna shove it down my throat and go barf it up." After my parents dropped me off, I literally burst into tears and started shaking. I got SO scared.

I told the girls what happened, and they really made me feel better. Barb was telling me "You can't change your parents. You can only control how you react to them." I love that woman. She rocks. During the AA meeting tonight, Nicola, Aimee, and I sat outside the entire time and talked. About EVERYTHING. Everything from crazy-ass thoughts and obsessions we have to weird places we've...um, well, you know.

I've said this before, but I absolutely LOVE the people in this house. They are so amazing; we're like some weird, diseased, fucked-up family but we get along great and we can laugh and support each other and understand one another like no one else can.

I'm scared to go into transition. Just being out on my own today freaked me out. I NEED SUPERVISION. I'm so, so terrified of being out on my own. I was so tempted today, so confused, so fucking AGITATED that I felt hopeless about my situation. I'm so sheltered and safe here at the HG and things that I'm protected from here I won't be protected from out in the real world.

I decided to eat my optional snack today. It's the first time I've done it since having that option. I felt guilty though. Not because of the food, but because I ate it semi-close to dinner. Eating that amount in a short period of time freaked me out, because it reminded me of a binge. Even though it wasn't. I know it wasn't. My snack was a fruit and a starch, just like always, and I didn't eat dinner for over an hour after, but for some reason I thought "I should've just waited. I'm so fat. I'm such a failure." But I was hungry. I think.

When I was out with my parents today, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. And freaked out. I don't know. I saw myself and thought "Oh, my God!! My arm is SO HUGE!!!!" And I literally felt depressed about that for like an hour. It's so pathetic.

Today wasn't a total waste, though. I sat outside for a while before lunch and thought "Damn, it's mid-January, I'm sitting outside wearing sunglasses (very cute ones, by the way), it's warm, and I feel good." I had my iPod with me, and there's this fence in the backyard with this glass enclosement type thing on it, like a window, and I had my feet up on it, and I was just kind of...feet dancing. I have this thing about my feet---I LOVE them. Seriously. I've gotten compliments on my feet; they are my most attractive feature. So I was sitting there, thinking about how I have the most gorgeous feet ever, and I felt SO GOOD. Just normal (well, as normal as anyone who spends time admiring their feet can be).

I'm so exhausted right now. Drained from the day. But still hopeful. And optimistic. Talking about it really, really helps. I feel excited about the future and possibilities and recovery. That's what I just have to keep thinking when I'm unsure.

Recovery, recovery, recovery.

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