Why do I feel pressure to not come off as an intellectual amongst anyone my own age? There are some days when I can't help but wonder why, amongst many of my peers, intelligence (above average) is seen as a flaw if anything, and thinking for oneself or expressing a unique idea is just "weird". Today...today was one of those days. Today I had Creative Writing.
Monday, September 17th will be the day I present my first piece for critique in Creative Writing. I'm not sure what I'm going to use yet... Nixon, the teacher, is an excellent professor and an awesome guy in general; I loved his Intro to Fiction Writing class last semester. But this class is much, much BIGGER, and thus the whole dynamic is different, more frightening.
I'm almost positive he expects me to share some poetry. Despite the fact that straight-up poetry wasn't acceptable in his Intro to Fiction class (for obvious reasons), I shared some with him nonetheless, mostly because I knew he'd like it, and I crave validation. He did like it, and I did feel validated. But now he expects me (I think) to share my poetry with this class. And poetry is not at all like fiction for me, in the sense that it is EXTREMELY personal... When someone doesn't like my poetry, I feel like that person doesn't like ME because it is a direct extension of me. I just can't handle that kind of rejection. Furthermore, upon immediate arrival, I was hit hard with the sinking feeling that this particular group of students wouldn't quite be capable of understanding or enjoying anything not littered with cliches, or held down by a simple a-b rhyme scale.
Today, my suspicions were confirmed. Nixon read a very beautiful, very sad poem from a worn book of poetry he particularly loves, and, all around me, I couldn't help observing stifled giggles and pained whispers and "WTF" expressions coming from my classmates. They didn't understand the poem. They hated it because they didn't understand it. Needless to say, I was a bit disturbed by all this.
I stayed after class to talk to Mr. Nixon, and so did a handful of other students. One girl shared lyrics she had written, and they were pretty good, I s'pose, but they were a bit overly-rhymey and cheesy in some parts. Good rhythm though. They would make a good rap. (According to her, she is writing for a record company. Granted, they're not actually paying her at this point, but they are reviewing her submissions.)
I said, "I write lyrics, too, but I don't think I could ever share them," which is sort of true. I mean, I do occasionally attend a local, weekly "Poetry Slam", and rather than simply reciting poetry, I have, on two separate occasions, sung one of my songs. But as far as actually handing the written words to complete strangers for their judgment, or (GASP) having my lyrics read aloud in this class? NEVER.
The girl responded, "Okaaay," and looked at me like I was completely crazy, as if the only reason anyone would ever bother with creative self-expression is for commercial gain.
Another perfect example of blatant idiocy (or rather, ignorance) had transpired just moments before:
Me: (approaching Nixon/the small group of post-class inquirers already surrounding him) Wow, I am now officially nervous about sharing anything with this class.
Random Girl With Blue Shirt: (looking concerned) Why?
Me: (thinking carefully about what to say) Well, I was looking around the whole time he was reading that poem, and I saw nothing but people whispering and and hating it. If they hate something widely-liked and published, what will they think of my stuff? (looking neurotic) [What I wanted to say: that poem was seriously fantastic, yet somehow none of you could appreciate it?! I heard AT LEAST ten people say they didn't "get it." Maybe THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE STUPID. YOU ARE ALL STUPID, CLOSED-MINDED SHEEP.]
Random Girl With Blue Shirt: Well, it won't be like that with your stuff. You have to admit, that poem was kind of weird.
Me: (forcing a weak smile) ... Uh-huh... [What I wanted to say: IF BY "WEIRD" YOU MEAN ABOVE THE LEVEL OF "ROSES ARE RED, VIOLETS ARE BLUE," THEN YES, THAT POEM WAS PRETTY WEIRD.]
Basically, there is no way that my poetry is coming anywhere near anyone in that class, at least, not on the 17th. Whatever expectations Nixon may have of me must be put aside. Fiction it is!
I hate that "thinking outside the box" is not socially acceptable, that conformity is necessary, that thinking for yourself isn't cool, that smart people everywhere dumb themselves down on a daily basis to fit in with (what appears to be) the majority. What kind of society do we live in where mediocrity is the ideal?
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Dude, as a fellow writer, I know what you mean. Sharing poems are like sharing a piece of your soul. What you have to eventually get comfortable with is allowing yourself to be mocked, ridiculed, and basically laughed at. I've given some pretty amazing speeches for classes (which always get points knocked off the top becaues I'll do something that "no one cares about" for a subject). I write stories that I share, and I am always published in my school's Lit Mag.
And you know what? It's always more fun to be the black sheep. IF you're in the top 3% of the class, so be it. Writing comes from the heart and should not be protected from, how did you phrase it? Simple minded sheep?
Nicholas Aden
Self-Promotion
Thanks for all the good advice. I know I need to get comfortable with it; it's just so difficult!
It's awesome you're involved with your school's Lit Mag. I bet your stories are a whole lot better than anyone's in this class will be! I'm always interested in reading good student writing, if you want a new person to share it with. I was actually the co-founder/editor of my high school's Lit Mag, though we only got one actual issue out, and it basically died after I graduated, which sucks. Not enough kids were interested, unfortunately. Creative writing has nothing to do with my major now, and people constantly tell me I'm wasting my time with these classes, but I don't really want to stop. I enjoy writing, even if I'm not necessarily going anywhere with it. Anyway, I'm rambling...
IS it more fun to be the black sheep?! I wish I had your perspective! How old are you? Thanks for all your words. I seriously don't remember ANYONE in high school being nearly as mature/articulate as you seem to be! Mind if I add you?
I am currently 17, I'll be 18 in Feb. 08. I just like language, so I try and pick up words and thoughts from people much older and wiser. Then again, I can just sound sagacious sometimes due to the expirences I've had the misfortune to have.
It might also help that I never developed the ability to make friends with the other boys, so I tend to follow the learning curve of females. I also tend to make friends with a lot of girls older than I am. No one really knows why, yet, but we're working on it.
Feel free to add me. I'll do the same for you. As for the sharing of work, well, it doesn't always get finished. Lately, I've had this MASSIVE case of writer's block, and it won't go away. I sat in Starbucks sipping my coffee for 3 hours one day and wrote two words. "The first"
I've just got this problem where I've been unable to articulate my thoughts into words on the paper. Hopefully this weekend will cure that and I'll be able to get back on track.
And yes, it is indeed more fun. When you're the odd one out, you get to do/say things that others cannot. You get to expirence things for yourself and not follow the mob mentality most other teens share.
Nicholas Aden
Self-Promotion
I would have punched that broad in the face.
Ha, you'll be fine.
Chances are whatever you write their probably not even going to understand.
Haha, thanks.
I am in the exact same situation now. I don't know why i took a creative writing class to begin with. I am about to start my upper level classes and I wanted one more "easy" class. I have to critique other people's work and I can't help but notice the difference of my own work. I'm not saying I am great, but I can say for a fact that most of these people suck. I am to the point now where I am almost mocking the assignements. I want to keep pushing the envelope until I am told I have gone too far.
I realize it can be frustrating. When my instructor told everyone their work was "SOO good" I threw up in my mouth a little. We live in an age of instant gratification. This leaves no room for abstaction to the average person. They want it all spelled out and simple.
I used to get real frustrated that I was "different". I tired to change to fit it. I listened to crap music, watched shitty movies, and watched shittier TV. I had a boring job and lots of nice things. I was absolutely miserable. Now I take pride in that fact that I am "weird". Average people don't change the world. They are blades of grass. They will always blend into the background.
Don't compromise your craft. I believe that we are in a cultural barren right now. It is up to those of us who know better to change things. An artist (any medium) without thier creativity is an accountant. In other words, they are blah.
Whatever you do don't fall into the trap.
Thank you.
I'm trying very hard not to.
Yeah...people don't always accept intelligence.
Poetry, as I know, is very challenging to write: saying so much in so little space. People just don't appreciate its power. Don't stoop to their level, though. Do what YOU feel to be right. Even in your class, I am sure there will be at least 1 or 2 people that appreciate your poetry.
what nicolas said is exactly what i was going to say: "Dude, as a fellow writer, I know what you mean. Sharing poems are like sharing a piece of your soul." definitely keep writing and dont pay attention to people who arent blessed with knowing about the power of words, the power of creativity and the power of UNIQUENESS. you cant change the world, or on a smaller scale make any sort of improvement, doing the same thing as everyone else. so be proud of yourself for being different and for having a passion for writing and dedicate yourself to your talents.
i can't share poetry with people that i know will not get it. they don't know what some feelings are, and how to respond to them. I usually only share my poetry with my best of friends and people who i think won't laugh, you know it's like you are putting your barenaked soul, i had to add to other people's description, out in front of people to be judged and i can't take the reaction people might have...
and i love how you like writing but you already know that certain people who don't "get it" will be critical and hurt your feelings but don't mind them or try to stay away from people like that or don't bring up writing with them, that is my policy
thanks for an excellent blog and vent
"Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right."