A Tough Week

Last Friday, I received my financial aid letter from my second choice college and it was less than hopeful. I thought that it couldn't be any worse than the other financial aid letter that I received from another college, but the school asked for an even higher amount for a parent loan. When I read the financial aid planning letter, my heart just sank. My final option for an out-of-state college had failed, all the hard work that I had put towards an out-of-state college had been pointless and had led me to having to go to an in-state college which I was trying to avoid. Not to mention that my ego had been crushed that I would have to settle for my back up plan. Well, the in-state college isn't bad, I just feel somewhat left behind while some of my other friends are leaving home to go to an out-of-state college which I wanted to be a part of: to be one of those select few that are able to leave home to go to college.

Obviously, now that's not an option and I am quite seem to get over accepting that I won't be able to go to my somewhat "dream"college and that I will have to settle for something less grandisoso. I just for once wanted to stand out and be different and now it just seems like what's the point in trying anymore..if it just means that I can't succeed no matter how hard I try. Now my greatest fear has come true and I just don't know how to deal with the amount of disappointment right now and try to be happy that I even can afford to go to college.

I received a letter explaining that I got into this "scholarship hall" for the in-state college today and my mother immediately started screaming for joy and it about killed my ears. I wasn't too thrilled because I'm still not excited about going to this other college and still rather be going to the out-of-state college, I just lack the financial support right now.

I almost want to be rebellious and just join the Peace Corps right after I graduate and then I wouldn't have to deal with going to college for another year or something. I would be able to take a break and help someone that really needs it besides myself. Unfortunately, that would not fly so well with my mother whose rules I must follow at least while I live under her roof... I just wish there was a way that I could still be able to make my dreams come true by being able to go to that other out-of-state college. *sigh..........

It just doesn't make sense that I could be so close, yet still be so far away from reaching that goal...... Life really sucks sometimes and right now, I just wish I could be somewhere else and that acceptance really is the hardest thing to do in life. It's something that I've had to deal with many a time and on countless occasions but yet I continue to struggle with it. It just seems like I'm on a merry-go-round of shame and depression that never ends because I can seem to let go of my dream to go to an out-of-state college and accept the fact that it's not going to happen this year and I'm just going to have to be happy with going to an in-state college for now.

Well, I think it is time to seek some advice from a higher authority so to speak and maybe I just need to stop ignoring problems and tough issues I'm facing and instead face them head on by taking them by the horns and then just letting my emotions flow freely whether they're bad or good. Instead of going along and pretending everything is okay and faking a smile and happiness just to make my friends/family that everything's really alright and that I'll be okay when really I feel heart broken that I couldn't chase after my biggest dream. but maybe I'm just too pessimistic.....