Bipolar 1 Disorder

Every single living person has flaws. Some try to hide them. Scared of opinions, or what they will be labeled as. Most are living behind masks, trying to cover physical obscenities that no matter how hard worked on will still remain imperfect in the fairy tale reality of today. Nothing good enough for a comparison to the air brushed affect presented by the media that is so sought after not only by the youth. Diet pills, eating disorders, and such disgust in ones own body to point out all their reasons for insecurity in the mirror. Picking their body apart with slander after slander to try and force some slap of reality to fix the things they bring to their own attention. Muscles not cut enough. Hair’s not shiny enough. Hating the appearance they were born with for the imperfections that, according to them, cause all of the problems in their lives. Scars, bad skin, fatty areas, too short, crooked teeth, tall and goofy; none of which can be thought of as attractive in any way. They seem to create a “what if” wonderland that can only be reached by the most extreme methods.

The need to feel beautiful by feeding off of the desire given from someone who poses as attractive creates a false interest in sex to boost self esteem. Not being able to say no in fear of an “ugly” depression that lingers like an afternoon shower lingers over a sunny day at the beach. Giving in to lies that are dressed up as compliments for a better chance of the words actually succeeding in “getting some” is a horrible habit all in its own. Feeling so used and neglected because the will to stop was overpowered by the hurricane lust for more. Horrible pains creep from joints into muscles and take over stomachs for the self inflicted malediction of feeling “easy”. Having the sensation that being “wanted” is the only way to have a big ego and feel good about ones self. The twisted line between lust and love is pulled tightly enough to where they essentially become the same thing. Falling in love so hard and quickly it causes paranoia. The fear of being alone takes place of the passion that was once a caring and loving space. Vulnerable being the absolutely last emotion we wish to feel, becomes all too familiar on a day to day basis. Once the barrier is broken and the dam that blocked blood flow to a cold and tough heart is taken down the rapid flow of love, emotion, and mental attachment pour out into the open, visible for all. Caring the only way they know how, by complete devotion and selflessness. No one can come above the one they love, not even themselves, and this can too often make the significant other feel trapped or smothered. Emotion is the curse, and not many that are knowledgeable of this will freely oblige themselves to that kind of relationship. “It’s not worth it,” or “I can’t take it anymore,” are phrases known all too well. Worthlessness creeps in to the spot that once held love and vulnerability. Obsession over such factors can take over one’s life, and too often does.

Others are hiding under false personalities. A person they created to be considered in the norm. To be accepted in today’s society as an average human. Imagine, fighting with yourself to be “normal” or “average”. Words that cut so deep when used against you for not being exactly that. Conformity brought on by all those around you, using “help” as their excuse for telling you that your mind is not working quite right. Unless you act in a certain way, you will not be granted a respectable life in this world. “Psycho”, when did this word become so easily thrown out at a person merely because of how they are feeling? Such extreme moods that can break a person down until they are stripped of all sanity come in waves as untamed as the ocean. Struggling to stay numb or monotone take some to the point of which they lose feelings and emotions all together. A concoction of different pills and prescriptions is supposed to “fix” how you are thinking. “Fix,” as if born with such a horrible defect that living with it was just out of the question and too embarrassing to the parent of that broken toy. Explanations are spit out at them for why they should strive to become the “same” as everyone surrounding them. Screaming inside to try and drown the thoughts that swim in schools inside their mind, become vocal screams to the top of their lungs when their mind refuses to hold it in any longer. Breaking down in the solitude of a bedroom turns into melt downs in public in front of strangers and people who care but have no idea how to help. They wind up hating their mind for not being able to take control of the thoughts and for caring too much about them. Every thought becomes its own powerful voice. Hating to be alone but forcing it upon them by pushing away the ones that try to help. Abusing the outlets that numb the mind to where they become additive to the issues at hand. Wishing someone would understand and praying to God everyday that he will send someone they won’t have to explain it to and will have the patience to help. Only when the mind can focus on physical pain does it stop with the maddening thoughts. Only when the pain is self inflicted does it seem to be helping. In desperate attempts to smother the turmoil caused by such disastrous switching in moods a person can be a danger to their own self.

Bipolar disorder: (also known as "manic depression") is often not recognized by the patient, relatives, friends, or even physicians. An early sign of manic-depressive illness may be hypo mania -- a state in which the person shows a high level of energy, excessive moodiness or irritability, and impulsive or reckless behavior. Hypo mania may feel good to the person who experiences it. Thus, even when family and friends learn to recognize the mood swings, the individual often will deny that anything is wrong.
In its early stages, bipolar disorder may masquerade as a problem other than mental illness. For example, it may first appear as alcohol or drug abuse, or poor school or work performance. If left untreated, bipolar disorder tends to worsen, and the person experiences episodes of full-fledged manic episodes and depressive episodes. And as with nearly all mental disorder diagnoses, the symptoms of manic depression must cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

This is not about a girl with issues and problems. Nor is it explaining what is “wrong” with me. This is, in all reality, about a teenage girl living with and becoming accustomed to Bipolar 1 Disorder and what actually goes on in a mind that is controlled by such strong feelings they can cause physical and mental damage.

I am not the only one. I am not complaining. I am not trying to send a message. But know that every word was written with passion from deep within my heart to find the best words possible to explain something that has rendered me helpless one too many times. I am torn between love, hate, sadness, lust, and fear. This is the war, the war that is inside an ever-growing number of humans that are diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. The fight never stops, the battles are never won, and coping is simply impossible and out of the question.