Disgusted

As I stood there staring at the unfamiliar face of the hooded man holding a gun, I did not fear
I did not feel the slightest fear or disruption
I did not care
As I tell the story and people tell me they would have been so scared I think back and wonder... "why wasn't I afraid? Why was I so calm about staring at a stranger in the middle of the night holding a gun"
I know why
And the reason rather frightens me
Part of me wanted him to pull that trigger
Most of me wanted him to pull that trigger
Relieve me of this hell hole I call life
If not enough to bring my eyes to a close and my days to an ending
Atleast enough to wound me and put me in serious pain and hurt
That way I can feel the physical pain of what goes on in my mind
It drives me insane
If I'm just hurt, I can see if she comes to me in my time of need in the hospital
I think it might be the only way to see how much she cares about me
Maybe if I saw her devotion to me in time of need I'd remember how she loves me
But how do I know her parents won't say no and she won't just accept that
She was willing to change everything between us because of her parents
She's willing to throw away our relationship forever if her parents don't allow it
How would I know this is any different?

I stood there in the face of this man
Knowing this could be the last face I ever saw
And all I thought about was her
It reminded me of the earthquake when I thought I would die
And all I could picture was her and making it out alive to see her beautiful face again
It reminded me of when I thought there was a burgler in our house and all I could focus on was getting to safety so I could see her again
I wanted to see her so much that it led me to safety, she was the most important thing that guided me to survival
Now I wanted to die
I wanted him to pull that trigger on me
I acted very smug with him to see what would come of it
And now I could see her face in my mind again...
But it didn't change how I felt about the situation... it didn't save me

As I sat outside on the sidewalk and reminisced on this moment
I was disgusted
I was disgusted in myself
I was disgusted in the world
What has this world come to?
What have we done, where have we gone wrong, what can we do?
I used to sit outside and feel at peace
It used to relax me and make my problems disappear and cloud my mind with happy thoughts
But now as I sat it in the thick wind of a calm day
It was filled with hate
It was filled with horror and violence and frustration and confusion
My peaceful sanctuary, my calm oasis in the desert of horror had become my worst nightmare
I could sense the hate in this world
I could feel the murder, the violence, the rape, the suicide, the heartbreak, the frustration, the racism, the terrorism
I could honestly feel it in the air
And it was so clear to me
What has become of this world where we can't trust another human being?
What has become of this world where we meet a man on the streets and the first thing I do is look him over to check for weapons
We can't smile and say hello instead we have to be caucious and prepare for an attack
What is this world coming to that if we don't lock the front door we are worried someone will break in
I'm disgusted.
What have we become as a society when we discriminate against others because they are a different race, culture, or religion than us?
What are we saying as a people when we put others down
We only build more hate
We are supposed to be here on earth together, and share this planet and its riches together equally, we should be living here to be happy, we should reinforce a peaceful life instead of creating more hate and unequality between us
I'm disgusted.
What kind of world do I live in when love means next to nothing?
When two people who love eachother can't be together because they are not both brown or because culture and traditions don't allow it
Love is beautiful
Love is rare
It should not be taken for granted
It should not be turned away
What kind of world do I live in that people don't realize this and don't care?
I'm disgusted.
What is wrong with us?
Where did we go wrong as a whole
All this time I thought life was great and exciting
When now I realize what life really is
Lifes a bitch
And I can't seem to please her

I'm playing a game that I can't win
I don't know what I'm waiting for anymore
I don't know what I'm here for anymore
I don't know what to do anymore
I need help
I need her
She saved me through what was the darkest time in my life and she made it happy
Now I realize that moment was like morning compared to the darkness I face nowadays
There's no way I can describe this
I want her to help me
I need her to help me because she is the only one who can save me
But she won't save me
Maybe she can't help me anymore
I look for good news and I get something that just hurts me more and she knows it
Yet instead we don't look for solutions we brush it off with an eh whatever

She isn't happy
And that just hurts more
I am the cause of all this pain to her
I wish she never met me
Then she would be happy
She never needed me to make her happy
I was never shit
I will never be shit
I've always known I will grow up to be a failure
A loser with nothing to offer
Maybe I should do her a favor and leave her alone
The Lord knows I was never good enough for her
I had nothing more than love to offer her
She will be better off with someone else
And that someone else can make her parents proud like she really wants
Her parents are way more important than I could ever be
No matter how hard I try I don't think I could ever make her parents proud
Because I'm not bengali
And I'm not "the one" for their daughter

I don't know what to do anymore
I want to make her happy
But I'm all out of ideas
As I continue to sit out on the sidewalk and stare into that thick muggy air of hate I begin to realize
Maybe this world just isn't for me.