I've learned the hard way that my passing complaints should be left unspoken. Now, before I whine, I bite my tongue and remember that so many people have it worse than me.
People don't usually show that they're hurting (I mean when they're REALLY hurting--not an "oh, omg, i can't believe she said that to me. We’re so totally not friends anymore" kind of hurting. In response, many people think that they're the only ones suffering. I used to be like that. I used to be self centered when it came to my problems...
Yeah, I've been through a lot of personal, unspecified horrors, but when it came to complaining and feeling wretched for myself, I was really clueless as to how tiny my problems were.
From time to time, I still slip. I retrogress (funky word) to my old self by feeling sorry for myself, especially when events I have no control over begin to hurt me.
But whenever I'm about to lose my balance or make a selfish mistake, I always remember this:
First, my friend's suicide. She wrote several letters to friends before she passed. I got one of the letters. It was very personal, and I'm not going to post it. But, if you knew how much she went through, I think you would understand her decision. What's heartbreaking is, I had no idea. She never told anyone. She kept things to herself. And what she went through...makes my problems look like a walk in the park.
I also remember the two times in my life that I could have died. When I was six, I nearly drowned. No lifeguard was on duty, and I somehow stupidly found myself in the deep end. The only reason I survived was b/c I jumped up and down, and a lady saw my fingertips breaking the surface every 2 seconds. She saved me. I hate remembering it. The time I spent jumping up and down in the water was less than a minute, but it felt like eternity, and I'll never forget throwing up all that water. It felt like gallons.
And, of course, I keep in mind the car accident I was in this past December. I still don't know how I survived.
These times have made me love my life--they've made me pay attention to how I was slipping, taking my life for granted, and not living it the best way I could.
Then, I remember the world. We're so snug! I remember the people in North Korea, people suffering untreatable diseases, people suffering treatable diseases, people STARVING to death, little children left abandoned due to poverty, and people here in America struck by unexpected disasters like school shootings(there's been 4 in the U.S. this week) and tornados. The list could go on forever.
I keep telling myself that I'll help someway, somehow. But the word, "someday", always follows soon after. I think it's b/c my lifetime cozy little bubble has stuck me in this "go to school. do your school work. go to college. make money for yourself" cycle. Even though I say I want to help, my selfishness and laziness override. And sometimes, I even complain endlessly about my nice life... But I think I'm willing to change. I really want to help.
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