I wrote this Freshman year for an English assignment. It is my highly sarcastic plan for a woman to be the ideal wife. Enjoy.
Have dinner ready. No need for a home-cooked meal; you shall probably just infect the entire family with E. coli and salmonella due to your lack of cooking knowledge. Burger King is perfectly acceptable in most households, except on Sundays, when only Swanson dinners or Chinese takeout are suitable. If one prepares the former, be sure to microwave it thoroughly, but don’t melt the Tupperware; it would alert your husband of your carelessness. (Cyanide is not all that beneficial to one’s health, either.) If one orders the latter, be sure to provide the proper disposable flatware, since most men are inept at eating neatly with any utensil, let alone chopsticks. If the kids find the meal unappealing, well, there is always military school.
Take fifteen minutes to rest prior to Hubby’s return; he is likely to harass you and subject you to the Spanish Inquisition. If you wish to put a ribbon in your hair, relinquish such childish attire. How old are you, six? (Well, you could be a Mormon…here ends the distasteful/inappropriate joke.) If any of your children are under age ten, he will probably not want to have any contact with them. Send them to their rooms with their respective Wendy’s in tow. Proceed to adorn the family dog with said ribbon.
Be sure that some newfangled music is blaring upon your husband’s arrival. Some techno-country or gospel-rap will do nicely. He will enjoy a bit of gaiety after a grueling day of . . . whatever it is that he does. If he arrives tardy for dinner, that is his problem. Cold Chinese tastes first-rate, anyway. Lying down in the bedroom is futile, as you will be forced to not only remake the bed, but to restrain yourself from devouring all of the Moo Goo Gai Pan.
Listen to him, but only if he has something more interesting to say than you do. If not, feel free to allow your eyes to glaze over. He will likely never notice. Using a honeyed tone of voice will not soothe him, but will urge him to inquire whether or not you would benefit from a cough drop.
Times have changed. The role of house-frau becomes increasingly rare, as the role of sarcastic wife ends in divorce 68% of the time. The easiest way to be a good wife: hire a full staff to maintain/organize your lives. If this is impossible, try Boston Market. This and a home-cooked meal differ negligibly.
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do like this blog so very much. A tad biased against men perhaps. *grin* At least I know how to use chopsticks.