Changes

love sounds foreign to me now. its hard to say it even if it doesn't involve me. its like i question does it exist, or did it ever exist. was it all an illusion, and i was just hypnotized. i wonder if i just fantasized everything when i was younger. did i really get those butterflies in my stomach? because i really miss those butterflies.
i miss those days when i thought i was in love, and i'd go online and search all these xanga sites for love quotes to describe my emotions since i can never put my feelings into words. then i'd feel like those quotes just matches my life and feelings so well i'd put them in my info and that still wasnt enough, i had to type "i love ___" in there so the world can know. i wanted the everybody to know how much i loved someone because the feeling they gave me was, well like how a lot of people say, its like when you're addicted to a drug. you just get so high and they're all you think about. and just the slightest sound of their name can make your heart skip a beat and your lips curve into an idiotic smile without you even noticing it.
i want those times back.
i didnt care for anything more than the person i like. i couldnt put my heart into anything else, and if i did its only because i know i'd get to see them or talk to them afterwards. each period seemed like a year, literally. and when its break time the first thing i think of is to go look for them. those days when i was "in love" i remember i overused the word. i think i took the word for granted at times. other times i just say it, depriving all meaning from it. "i love you's" were passed around like a basketball. everyone wanted the ball and when they got it they felt so flattered and powerful. but then they'd past those words, or the ball to a teammate that they think they can trust, but the teammate might let the ball slip out of their reach and it bounces off.
it seems to have been better if i waited until college for love. maybe i shouldnt have searched for it so much when i was younger. all i wanted was romance. i searched for my mr. right like in the movies. i wanted my own kodak moments. i fantasized too much about love. it was like i needed it so bad that when i didnt have it, i just felt so empty. everytime i'm over a guy i'd go search for another guy. everytime i realized someone's not my prince charming, i'd go search for him again. maybe i should've waited for my prince charming to come to me instead. now i feel like i can never get those feelings back.
i wish i'd get so nervous and anxious before i see them to the point i cant even eat. the butterflies would turn into worms and drill holes into my stomach. when i think of them listening to the sweetest love song my heart feels so light it can just fly up my throat and out of my mouth. these eternal energy pumps into my body and i dont know what to do w/ them. the feelings are all different and heart whelming, i wished they were gone but at the same time it felt so good. i'd have to put my hand to my chest and go "UGGH" because the feelings felt so strong its like i cant take it anymore, and when i was in their arms i felt like its us against the world, and we're winning. and no one's gonna come to harm me. and no one will part us. its that really safe feeling. its knowing that i'm theirs. and they have control over me, and it scared me so bad because i knew they had my heart in their hands. but at the same time it felt so safe, but a risky thing to give them.
i dunno. it was just so fun back then. it was like i had my own story to tell. i was in my own love drama. its like those movies where it just makes you laugh and cry. but of course maybe only i would since only i can feel all those. i just want it back. it definitely beats all this.
i still get it at times. but its just not heads over heals anymore you know? before its like running on the freeway against traffic. now i'm walking on the sidewalk, even worse, i stay near the fences and walls and keep my distance from the roads.
it was definitely nice hoping and believing.