I wanted to be a different kind of parent. One that would break free of the societal norms and give my children a purer out look on life. My husband and I decided, if we could not give a logic based answer to why something is wrong, if we were only saying ‘no’ because it was weird or ‘just because’, that we could not in good conscience actually tell our kids ‘no’. We never told my son that pink was for girls and this is probably the reason he likes the color pink. I wanted to combat the socialization that our generation has been subject to, as well as, that which my children will be subjected too. Now I am not so sure.
I know there is nothing I can do either way but now I have fear. Fear of, instead of giving my children freedom, I am giving them a life of rejections and questions. Let me see if I can explain my current psychosis caused by resistance to society without making anybody else crazy.
I guess first a little background on were I come from. My mother wanted a similar thing for but more towards the feminist movement. She wanted to raise me the same as my brothers and give me the same fair opportunities as they had. She was raised as a Hispanic catholic and wanted me to be free of that dogma. Despite her best efforts I still had to teach my older and younger brother how to do the wash, I still had to ensure dinner was made and the house was clean. Responsibilities that I would need for when I got married and had kids that some how my Bros would not. At the age of 20 I still had midnight curfew unless I had to go pick up my little brother from somewhere. I left for the military a few days before my 21st birthday because I wanted the easy life, would have done it sooner had I not been told that there was no way I could make it through the basic.
The only semi girlie thing that I do is paint my toenails. Unfortunately I like the dark or vibrant colors like blue or green…this kills my mom. One day I was polishing them orange to match my orange Capri pants. My daughter had wanted to be like mommy and I was happy to oblige. Then my son wanted to partake in the fuss we were making. I did my best not to make any potentially socializing looks and painted his toes too. I followed my rules, I should be happy. But I came to the realization that there maybe unaccounted for problems when we went to the public pool.
He has his muy macho shades and his dinosaur trunks on and bright orange toe nails. The girls talked to him a little but the boys stayed clear, even at this young age they already knew that was girl stuff and that my son is weird.
So here we are back to my fears and back to the fact that I should know better. I know I can not make him gay or not, but what if I make him question himself. School kids are mean and twice as convincing a power when it comes to socializing. They will make him think that maybe he IS different from other (straight) males even if he is not. School years are a confusing time and you see people acting gay to fit in, its tendy. I do not want to be responsible for making my son think the opposite of what he is. The best I can hope is that if there is a problem and a question that he can feel comfortable enough to bring it up to me so I could explain that he does not think it is weird or wrong because we never taught him too and that liking pink and pretty things does not make you trans or homosexual.
Also, when it comes to combating socialization for a girl it is a lot harder to break free. I do put her in pants and some of my son’s old clothes. I always do her hair in pigtails or whatever and she likes dresses. Both of my kids choose their own clothes at the store, I chose the size and some how both want to look nice. If I do not do her hair it falls straight into her face and she can not see. I did not cut my son’s amazing hair till I got sick of people telling me how pretty my girl was when he was clearly a boy in boy shoes and manly clothes. I guess kid hair is just naturally awesome and I do not want to cute hers yet since it just might go straight like my son’s did after his first cut. Other then that I think I have been really good about avoiding gender biasing my younglings, by letting them take the lead in what they are going/ want to do. They still somehow do gender role type tasks; this is strange and yet cool. I am so gad my husband goes along with my ideas and is encouraging.
I am pretty sure I missed on this. How do I get over my fears? Should I change what I am doing and give a little ‘boy/girl stuff’ discriminating talk? DO I carry on as I have? What do I adjust? DO I keep combating socializations one child/ family at a time?
I'm not a parent, so maybe whatever I say about this doesn't matter. But I've always felt that the role of the family was to properly socialize its children. If you, the parent, fails to socialize your own child, someone else certainly will (like your kid's peers in school), and they will probably put your child down a path you never intended.
On a related note, I strongly believe that everything that makes us who we are comes from nurture, rather than nature. Your child likes pink and other "girly" things because you seem to be raising him that way. If he is indeed homosexual, it's not because of his genes; it is because of his upbringing. Now, though, I'm getting into stuff that's none of my business. Like I said, you're the parent, so you have to know what's best for your kids.
Basically I guess I should just give them the tools they need to be able to understand their peers understandig. According to my sociology class text one of the few socializing groups that trumps the parenting/ falimy group is peers/ school group.
For the record I do not raise him to like pink, I can not stand the color, I let him like what he likes, I do not encourage one way or another.
Maybe I just need to figure out how to gear him to more masculine style...
Most people without kids that try to give advice, or talk like they know something, I usually ignore. However, You I value and never act like a snivveling know it all. I sincerely appreciate your input.
~T
All truths are easy to understand once discovered; The point is to discover them ~Galileo
I'm really not sure how to answer your question. Kaia is currently sporting purple finger and toe nails and generally everyone (except his grandfather) is fine with it. He's had several other boys (his age and a year or two older) tell him that they paint their nails too. Alo, on the other hand, has long curly hair. After having been bald for so long because of all of the shunt revisions, he finally has hair and it's beautiful hair. His mom is loathe to cut it. We were out to lunch on Mother's Day and this old woman turned to her companion and said "Little boys should NEVER have long hair. It's wrong!" Kaia actually told his grandfather one day that he would paint his nails if he wanted too and that he better not try to make him take it off because he would cry. His grandfather doesn't say anything to him about it anymore. It's just amazing to me that the things we expect to hear from kids are the things we, in reality, often hear from adults.
They boys are still only 3 years old (Alo just turned 3, Kaia will be 4 next month). Why lock them into gender roles and force them to liking this thing or the other because someone else says that's how it is when they should rightly still be exploring and being innocent and not catering to the expectations that will eventually leech out that innocence whether they wish it or not.
So... I guess in a way I did answer. At some point, your son will make the decision on his own... shouldn't it be his decision to make? On one hand, you can stop allowing him to do those things. But, I guess the question then becomes... if that's what he really wants are you doing him more emotional harm by forcing him into that role or does it cause him more harm to be who he wants to be and deal with the teasing that may result? Neither option really seems all that fair to him.
Have you tried prompting to see how he feels about these things? He may be young, but even so, his answers may be a better guide for your decision than anything we can advise you to do. It's possible he's more comfortable being ignored by the boys than he would be doing what society expects in order to blend in.
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Free books need new home.
~Fallon~
"If I fall asleep with a pen in my hand, don't remove it - I might be writing in my dreams."- Pace
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I guess that being out here in podunk militaria has got me paranoid that something other then normal is going on here. I am finding now that many youngsters really do not care about adult stupidity, unless they live with an opinion monger.
I always ask myself if what I do will cause more, or less, harm and sometimes deciding which action to take is the hardest part. In this case I supose I should go on trusting my son as much as I have been, and do nothing (a road less traveled)
Between you and eddiblewoman, I actually feel a little better and less crazy now. Thanks.
~T
All truths are easy to understand once discovered; The point is to discover them ~Galileo
I can understand that. Parenting (or nannying since that's my duty hehe) is certainly the job to make one paranoid. You don't want to do something that is going to damage your children, but you never really know if the decisions you are making are the right ones. I'm sure however, that your children adore you and won't need massive amounts of therapy when they get older. It's obvious that you adore them and only want to do what's best for them. They're very lucky to have you and it says a lot about you (good things, good things!) as a parent that you do worry about them and the way you raise them!
In all honesty, it's the children that do live with the opinion mongers that I worry about the most. It's always been my experience that those are the children who have the toughest time discovering their own beliefs and following them through without having to first overcome so much self doubt and inward conflict. It's hard to get out from beneath the shadow of a figure who has something to say about everything and makes the decisions for the entire family with no room for discussion without questioning every decision you make and wondering if you're really capable of making such a decision. .
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Free books need new home.
~Fallon~
"If I fall asleep with a pen in my hand, don't remove it - I might be writing in my dreams."- Pace
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I am a parent and I can tell you that raising a child is hard. I thank God for my wife because I could not do it alone. I glad to hear that you husband is being encouraging. It must be hard to see your child not following the norms of society. I really would like to see my son play football but if he told me he wanted to take dance it would break my heart but I would let him. He may be trying to look for girls (i could tell myself that) and being friends first could help to have no problems later. I think you did the right thing by not forcing him to do boy only things. It sounds like you have better lines of communication with your son then most parents. Keep that going and you should be able to stop any type of harassment from the other kids.
-I am not telling you to read my blog but if you want you can access it at http://www.progressiveu.org/223749-unfairness-doctrine
Football! The dream would be for our son to get a free ride to Nebraska and play football for the Huskers, but at the rate we are going my daughter might be the one to do that. As long as it is their dream and happiness...right?
I think that if your son wants to dance that would be great. Dancing does not make you anymore gay then pink does. Dance could be just as competative, masculine, and aggressive as football and a little more constructive.
Men can be crazy, why would you encourage your boy to go around gropping other men and avoiding pink in a miserable attempt to keep him from being gay... is this backwards or what.
Good luck and Thank you for your input
~T
All truths are easy to understand once discovered; The point is to discover them ~Galileo
As a former dance queen, I fully advocate dancing instruction for boys. Some of the most amazing men I've met have been dancers. It teaches discipline, self confidence, cooperation and so many other skills that are absolutely useful. I'll shut up now instead of blathering on but... YEAH! Dance! For Boys! YEAH!
:D
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Free books need new home.
~Fallon~
"If I fall asleep with a pen in my hand, don't remove it - I might be writing in my dreams."- Pace
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...Little irrationalities like prejudice , stereotypes, hatred, violence, and fashion. You could try to explain that people ARE like that, even while you explain that it is not 'logical'. You do not have to think Prada is the Devil to see fashion as illogical and silly. Your son and daughters will eventually follow some stereotypes or fashions just to fit in. They do not have to be weird to understand the source of their rejection/acceptance and take it with a grain of salt.
If you don't try to explain why most people run with the herd then he may be more likely to reject your values when he decides to conform.