Wait, You DIDN'T Die After We Broke Up?!

Is it sad that I miss my ex-boyfriend that dumped me over a year ago, and we had only dated for a month to begin with? (By the way, the dumping occured ON our actual anniversary, through text message. He was in Wisconsin, I was here, but still. At least call me, you chicken shit).

Okay, here's the thing:

LOGICALLY I know that once you break up with someone/stopped being friends with them, etc, etc., that their life goes on. Theoretically, of course.

EMOTIONALLY I hope they're pining away for me, day after day, barely able to make it out of bed in the morning knowing I'm not in their life anymore. I want them to always wonder "What if?" and hope that the only reason they haven't contacted me is they're too scared.

So when I do my daily Facebook stalk of Jake's profile and see that his sister wants to know his new phone number (what?!?! NEW PHONE NUMBER?? How did I not know this? How can I longingly stare at his name in my cell phone, just knowing that it's not his TRUE number??) and also if he or his girlfriend needed any of her unused binders for school.

So I guess they're still dating. It's been what....10 months? Damn. Bitch beat me by 9.

Maybe part of me just feels inferior. Why wasn't I good enough to last that long? I wonder what (if anything) he's told her about me.

"Yeah, I used to date this girl, but she turned out to be this crazy bulimic bitch who's on medication. Thank God I have you! You're mentally stable and always digest your food!"

Ugh. Their relationship makes me sick.

On another note, things in California are slightly looking up. I've been busy busy busy with school, which is a blessing in disguise. No time to wallow. To be depressed. To think.

I've been working out too much. It's about an hour and a half every day. But here's the thing: when I was on my 11 day streak, I decided to take a day of from the gym. Suddenly, I had all this TIME. It made me uncomfortable. And depressed. And I wound up bingeing later that night. So overexercising, in some weird, fucked up way, is my way of preventing a binge. I'd rather have an eating disorder that makes me thin that one that makes me fat.

Life sucks.

I'm seeing my therapist from HG tomorrow. Very, very excited, but also kind of dreading it. I know I'll get all emotional and upset, and I'm hanging out with Nicola later that day, so I don't want to be in a bad mood! We found a group on meetup.com that plays board games, and tomorrow night is a theme night: TALK LIKE A PIRATE!! I plan on looking up some lingo on websites and speaking like a true pirate, matey!

It's little wonder I have no social life.

I was thinking: If the lives of my friends and I were a TV show--which I oft thought it could be, what with all the break ups, hook ups, bouts of alcholism, eating disorders, suicides, etc--then my character would be either killed off or shipped to Africa to study monkeys or something due to LACK OF A PLOTLINE.

Watch as the 19 year old girl struggles in math class! As she walks around in sweatpants in 90 degree weather because she's scared to put her jeans on! As she almost collapses at the gym because she is determined to get THINTHINTHIN because she believes it will make her life better! And you thought Gossip Girl was intriguing? Please. You haven't seen entertainment until you've witnessed The OC: The Much Less Rich and Extremely Unattractive Version.

I'm failing remedial math. FOR THE SECOND TIME. And today, I found some random homework that for some reason I hadn't turned in. When I went up to Number Satan (my professor) to turn it in, what did he say?

"I accept no late work."

This, of course, took me a while to decipher, due to his unintelligible Chinese accent. I started tearing up during math class. Why??

I'm getting a 49% percent. Not only do I need to PASS this class, I need at least a C to take the psychological stats class REQUIRED FOR MY MAJOR. I will not be able to do anything in life because of Leonard Cho!

Note to L.Cho:

You're a life ruiner.

I went to the school library for the first time yesterday, and again today. This place is BEAUTIFUL. Seriously. I did not expect a community college library to be something worth mentioning. But it's two levels, with a huge window overlooking this grassy knoll and comfy chairs. I went there between classes today and read. Ahhh. Good times.

The library's my sanctuary. It's quiet, it's comfortable. You can read, you can sit, think, sleep, study, just BE. You don't have to answer to anyone or anything, you get to experience the smell of old books, and you can people watch over some literature so the people don't catch you and think you're creepy.

My mom and I made it to the third season "Friends." This is the best part of my day. After getting up at 5:30 am, attending classes all day in the intense heat and then working out for an hour and a half, I relish the evening when I shower, eat dinner, and just laugh along with Chandler and Co. As much as I've said I'm gonna go back to Wisconsin, this show has seriously made me want to move to NYC. Maybe it's not the best reason for going, but coffee houses?? Changing seasons?? A chance to start over? I am THERE!

Speaking of "there", right now is my evening of pleasure. A long shower, some mediocre Shake N' Bake chicken made by Mommy Dearest, and many episodes of a show featuring my future homeland. Ahhh. That sounds perfect.