So here is my dilemia; I am not happy with my life, nor have I been for oh, I dunno, the past year or so? Ever since I started midwifery school, now that I really think about it. Midwifery school isn't what I expected it to be, and every time something doesn't meet my expectations, I become really depressed and drop out of whatever it was i thought I was going to love. Anyway, I'm about to become a second-yr midwifery student and so this is another place to evaluate what I want to do; and part of me, the part that never sticks with anything, the part that is afraid of committment, and afraid of anything that is hard work, says; pay your roommates for the next several months of rent and just get the hell out of Portland...hitchhike down the Oregon coast to California and go see the fucking Redwoods who you haven't seen yet. And while you are at it, go see your friend Shirley (the drunk,) in San Fransisco and party hardy with her. And then go see your friend Chris in Arizona and while you are at it, go to those hotsprings in Arizona you've been dying to go to. What the hell is stopping you, you fucking whimp? So I'm making a "Stay Civilized verse Go Feral" worksheet to help me out; I don't like the pros verses cons worksheet because really anything I choose will suck just as much as the last thing.
Go Feral!!!! Stay Civilized
Be a free bum and depend on others/dumpsters for food Work my ass off to eat
Be able to visit all of those people/places I'm dying to see See more of Portland
Take more anarchist/free school classes Birthingway
Get drunk/fucked up/laid more often Birthingway
Attend a primalist school Birthingway
Hang w/the cool punk kids Hang w/the cool hippie kids
Have more time to do FNBs, make zines Have less and less time
Continue using my bike to get around Take car to births
Read what I like Read hippie birth literature
Travel the world Portland
Have not a cent to my name Work my ass off for a few $s
Write a book Write a research paper
See more music Do more homework
Learn to play the drums Do more homework
Do things to protest the domination of the Earth Protest dominate birth culture/medicine
Love ya,
Carrot
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I'm having this problem too, except I'm going into a four-year lib. arts college. Exactly the same though. I find myself stopping, as if I've just "woken up", and questioning what the hell I'm doing.
I think if you can you should offer your skills as a midwife, if that is what you want to do, to the counterculture/anarchist areas of society. A lot would go to a hospital for a birth, but many would rather not if there was a better alternative...
So one vote for staying in midwifery school eh? I would love to offer midwifery skills to the counterculture...that is kinda the plan. In the meantime, I guess I can make more anarchist friends here in Portland maybe...
Love ya,'
Carrot
Only a vote for what you want. If that's midwifery school, then so be it. I think that anarchists could benefit from having a skilled midwife to help them, rather than going to an expensive hospital. Folk medicine, and all that.
I also just want to say that you have a very interesting profile picture...
I ran across this blog post randomly while browsing the internet, and the more I read the more attention was caught. I know this is already a month past and you may be feeling very differently by now (February is one of the WORST months for itchy feet, at least in my opinion), but I really wanted to respond anyway.
Your post sounded like something I could have easily written while I was going through (traditional) college. I often thought of giving up, or taking a year or a semester off (which probably amounts to the same thing, it takes an immense amount of willpower to start back up again after a break).
Looking back, one thing I don't regret is pushing through it. There were some awful times when I hated life and hated the grind, and my mood certainly affected my gpa (which is important for me, because I would have wanted to go on to graduate school).
But I know that if I had ever stopped, even with the best intentions to take only a short break and go back, I never would have been able to start again. And now that it's behind me--I've got the rest of my life to travel the world, stay up all night discussing philosophy or religion or social politics with friends and acquaintances, etc. My husband and I are building a sailboat together, and we're planning to move aboard and sail the world once it's done. Yes, I still miss those years that I spent in classes when I could have been exploring the country or doing something else--but I think it was worth it.
The other reason your post caught my eye is that my new baby boy, Xander, was born last July at home, assisted by a local midwife who had trained out near Portland (maybe at Birthingway?)
While you're out there, training, it probably feels like there are tons of midwives around, and that you're just one of many and maybe not so needed after all. I can tell you what it feels like from the other side--I started searching for midwives who could deliver my baby at home. I'm in a very large metro area (Minneapolis, Minnesota) so I suspect we have more than the usual population of them. I was able to find a small handful who did homebirths. Calling those, I was able to find an even smaller handful of midwives who could take on another client for the month I was due. I was actually starting to wonder if I'd have to make the choice of birthing alone at home, or going to a hospital! (yuck) Even with a handful instead of just one midwife locally, I think there are more clients than there are trained people available.
If you've thought of leaving this country with your training, as you probably already know you'd be able to help even more. One of my sisters is in Honduras this month working at a local hospital (she's in school to get a nursing degree). This week she's been working in the labor-and-delivery ward. They have one room for labor, and another room three steps away for delivery. The mothers labor on pallets on the floor, with no sterilization available beyond hot water, and very little knowledge of the birth process. She said 8 babies were born in that room yesterday. She has the most actual training of anyone there, and she said it's been hard because people keep begging her for medical assistance or advice, and she's not trained to be able to give it. I imagine she'd give a lot to have had real midwifery training right now!
Anyway, from reading on to later blog posts it looks like you've made it through this "I can't do this any more!!!" place for now, but I thought I'd post anyway. Hope it helps.
Um...I'm not sure I have moved through that "I can't do this anymore..." but I guess something deep inside me is driving me onward, wiether I feel I can do it or not. I don't have the confidence yet, but I hope to get there soon.
Congradulations on the homebirth of Xiander by the way! In our culture, I think it certainly takes a brave woman to birth at home! Birth is natural and usually safe, but since our culture doesn't view it as such, women who birth at home are couragious in my book. Standing up to family and friends is often one of the most challenging things we do.
I do know that midwives are very needed in the world...even here in the US where only 1% of the population births at home...even so, the midwives I know are up to their eyeballs in overwork; which says to me that there is definately room for little old me in the field...
Love ya,
Carrot