Oh, the places you'll go...

I just ran down to the bookstore to pick up a copy of Dr. Seuss's "Oh, The Places You'll Go" after a conversation on the phone with my girlfriend. Turns out it was a book she had always kind of wanted, but nobody ever got her a copy.

Here's the thing-- the book is something that she of all people should have. She had a turbulent childhood. Her parents divorced when she was three because her dad was violent and mentally impaired and her mom was really young. When they divorced, my girlfriend remained in the shared custody of her father and her mom. On weekends with her dad, he would yell violently and at one point attempted to kill her. She sustained sexual violence from a stranger at a very young age due to her father's inability to keep an eye on her. When she told her mom this, her mom refused to believe her. Finally she reported his attempt to kill her at school one day before going to her dad's for the weekend. I can only imagine being in her shoes as an 11-year-old, trying to determine whether what she was used to was normal, or an abusive situation. And she was pretty much alone.

Again, I can only imagine being in her mom's shoes, too, who was younger than I am now when she left my girlfriend's dad. I can only imagine how it must feel to know that your child is being subjected to danger, and that all the accidents and mistakes you've made along the way have a terrible impact on her life. Maybe you can hardly believe it-- I know when I was little and I broke my foot, my mom refused to believe it. Maybe the neglect that my girlfriend suffered is an exaggerated version of this kind of motherly disbelief.

My girlfriend is a strong-willed person. She dropped out of high school at 16, got her GED and went to college. She moved out of her mom's house, deciding (accepting?) that she was the only one who was going to take care of herself. Then she wound up in a terrible accident, where she was nearly pronounced dead (I almost didn't believe her, but I've since seen the medical records). It seems she was drugged, possibly raped, and left for dead (she was found naked outside the house where she had been drugged). They found her next to the river. She was in a coma for about a week. She says she was at peace there, and during that time she knew things were going to be different afterward. She came out of the coma with a distinct sense of purpose. She began working with children with autism, realizing that her dad might have had autism (of course, the diagnosis from his generation, especially for someone of his socio-economic status is rare, if not non-existant). In this way, her life had meaning larger than her lousy childhood.

Since that time, she has worked ridiculously hard. After having earned a B.A. and a separate B.S., she decided to go back to school to become a physician. When I met her, she was in the middle of her pre-med classes. She is applying to med schools this spring. She's also in a graduate program. She is a top student, an excellent teacher, and she has finally realized that she may be able to go to any medical school of her choosing. She has worked with many kids with autism and feels a deep connection with them. I think, in a way, it brings her closer to her dad.

I wouldn't be telling this story if it weren't for the anonymity that this blog provides. For one thing, it isn't really my story. But it's cathartic. I told her the other day that while she had this traumatic past, she was used to it-- I had to deal with the shock of learning that all these things at once. And it's really painful to know these things about someone you love, and who you feel you would protect with your life, if you had to. In a way I want to share what I have learned, because it doesn't seem fair that I have to absorb this terrible story on my own.

As she got older, her mom re-married. She has younger siblings now who have a pretty normal life. They won't have to go through what my girlfriend went through.

When nobody got her that Dr. Seuss book, she wasn't exactly surprised. It was just something she would have really liked to have. It came up because we were talking about the new Dr. Seuss movie while we were on the phone. Right now she's away on a trip for her job, and I got the book so she will find it when she gets in in the morning. I left a note: "You should have this book."

Sometimes it isn't the easiest to get along with her, even though I love her so much. Somebody who has been through that amount of physical, sexual and emotional violence shouldn't be walking on their own two feet let alone living a relatively normal life. She's had a slew of diagnoses. Sometimes she gets overwhelmed with what seem like pretty neutral situations to me. Part of that has to do with the head injury she sustained. Loud noises can overwhelm her. Sometimes she has a hard time with people touching her, myself included. It can be very hard to accept that. I have also been in a sexually violent situation, and so it can be hard for me to initiate contact. She really can't. It's hard. But I love her so much, and I'm proud of her.

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