The other night I was out with friends when my friend got a look of rage in her eyes. I asked her what was wrong and she informed that she was mad because a very "slutty" girl was going to be joining us shortly and she didnt like her at all. After a series of questions I finally got the truth from my friend as to why she didnt like the girl. Apparently the girl had a wild night at a party and hooked about with about ten guys in a few hours, one of which was my friends fiancee.
Even though this happened well before my friend and her boyfriend got together, I could tell it made my friend feel very uncomfortable and tense. She continually made comments about the girl's sexual acts that night, calling her a "slut" and "whore" more times than I could count.
I understood her dissapointment to find that her fiancee participated in such a lewd act, but I couldnt help wondering: why wsa the girl carrying all of the blame for this behavior? Shouldnt she be more dissapointed in her boyfriend?
It seems like although America has come to embrace women's rights, there is still a huge double standard when it comes to the sexual behavior of males and females. So many times a woman is considered a slut for hooking up with multiple people. But what about they guys who knowingly took part in sexual behavior with a girl that had just been with their best friend no more than five minutes ago.
I was in a situation before that is comparable to what my friend was going through. When I found out my ex had been involved in a few shameful acts, it ripped me apart. I couldnt look at him the same way again, and in the end it took a huge toll on our relationship. Since then I hold any potential boyfriend up to the same standards that a guy would expect from me.
The media is somewhat to blame for this attitude. We have all been made aware that singer/celebrity Jessica Simpson saved herself for marriage (whether you believe it or not, let's just say it's true for arguments sake). Yet, there was never a single word mentioned about Nick Lachey's virginity. Mainly because no one with over two brain cells would ever believe that he saved himself for marriage. Yet she made the committment, waited for him, and ended up in divorce. In my opinion, Jessica should not have settled for less that what she brought to the marriage.
In my opinion you should respect your body. It should only be shared with people who you love, not just anybody. And males should be heald to the same standards as women.
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I totally agree with you. As a male, I cannot tell you how ashamed I am that us males don't think we're bound to the same set of ethics that girls are. All too often in most societies, males are held to different standards. I've heard of women getting punished for premarital sex in many many countries, but very rarely, men. After all, men and women both have the same obligations towards each other. One of the worst double standards I've heard is from my male friends who claim to be against gay people but claim they love watching a pair of lesbians. How hypocritical can one get?
I agree. It is a huge double standard, as are many things in our society. The blame is placed on the woman, men are excused for that simple fact: They are men. It's unbelievable and I think that we need to keep recognizing these things, and try to fight them.
That i get called a slut for sleeping with someone i plan to marry. But then guys who sleep with ten or more girls in a couple weeks are perfectly normal. i totally agree with you. And i think girls need to stop calling other girls whores and sluts and maybe everyone else would stop to.
Em <3
A lot of it is that it has just become a general derogatory term, and people don't actually mean it in terms of sexual things, because they don't really know the sex lives of especially people they don't like.
It should only be shared with people who you love, not just anybody."
And in my opinion I'll have sex with whomever I choose, whether I love them or not. Loving or not loving is not an indicator of how much I "respect" my body.
I agree, the choice as to who you have sex with (whether it be for love or not) is not a direct reflection of the respect you have for yourself. I should have worded that better.
In an attempt to not repeat myself all over ProgU, I would refer you to my own blog about the double standards that exist for males and females.
/jkh
I fully agree this double standard needs to change. Luckily, the people I surround myself with do not lean towards that double standard. If a girl is a whore then the man who willingly/knowingly and publically "shames" himself with her is just as much of a man-whore. Yes, those carry the same weight with my crowds and no, they aren't typically used. For us, we all carry different opinions on sex/marriage/religion/etc so we can't judge eachother. We never really felt the need to.
I, personally, stick to the equality button. I prefer not to have anything to hold above my partner, nor do I really want to have them hold something over my head. No, I don't actively only seek a partner based on specific details (like number of previous sex partners), but I do have a tendency to pick those on the same playing field with me. My most recent ex and I had both only had one previous partner and my current boyfriend and I are only one number apart. This is comforting because I don't have to worry about him thinking I'm a slut b/c of my number, nor do I feel inferior b/c of his. It fits us well and makes many topics more comfortable.
Although, as a quick mini-insert. With my last ex that double standard was apparent. When he asked me about the numbers of guys I had made out with my number was only 2 more than his and he actually called me a whore. (No surprise it didn't work out!)
~BLee
good thoughts here but I have to say that I would prefer we go the other way and say that if we can find it in our hearts to say that it is healthy and almost natural for men to sleep around that we could come to except that it is the same for women. Everyone has different wants sexually.
Amen. I would just change your word choice of "sleep around" to be "have multiple sexual partners". Sexual activity is healthy when done responsibly, and we shouldn't hold it against guys or girls if they enjoy having sex, as long as they are being honest and respectful with their partners.
Common sense is as rare as genius. ~Emerson
I think a big part of the double standard stems from the obviously opposing ways in which guys and gals have sex. Whether we like it or not, sex has a certain violent sword and stabbing imagery associated with it; penetration requires submission on the part of the recipient, and a girl who has lots of sex (unless the only thing she's doing is being orally serviced, not to be too graphic) is seen as repeatedly letting herself be invaded and stabbed.
The guy, by contrast, is the aggressive party, and sex is seen as a form of conquest, so he isn't degraded by doing it all the time. If he remains a virgin, then "obviously" there's something wrong. Likewise, the female virgin is ever-so-revered because she kept people out of her body.
It's unfortunate, but I that's the way it is.
"CONSERVATIVE, n.
A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others."
- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Personally, I think your analysis of the whole "sex as stabbing" thing is way off. It stems from a very macho view of the world that doesn't reflect reality.
Common sense is as rare as genius. ~Emerson
what about women on top??? that does not require "submission" but it is still sex. I dont like how you termed it as "stabbing" either. A person would never allow themselves (or be submissive) to be stabbed...unless they had some sort of self-mutilation issue.... often times the man can not just "slip it in" it has to be guided by the woman....so she is not always being submissive...shes just saying its okay. the same way your boss will tell you something is okay to do. submission and giving permission are two different things.
the sexual shades are being pulled back and no longer is sex just the mans conquest (that is yet another double standard). It shouldnt be about keeping people out of your body...its about letting the right people in. sex can be as pure as virginity and should not have the demeaning facades that have been stowed upon it.
just because something "is" a certain way does not make it right. it is these things that "simply are that way" that should be questioned and fought against...not preached. the more they are preached the more ways things have of staying that way...and if its not right, dont let it grow. everything should not be accepted.
so in this case do you agree with "the way things are" simply because "thats the way they are"??
if not, i think it'd be nice to hear your opinion...everyone has stated it...you should get to as well :)
I don't think it's right. It IS a double standard. I can't stand the 'pimps and hos' mentality of rap, I think the promiscuity and 'man-sluts' of much of the gay community are appalling, and that Gene Simmons, who claims to have slept with some 3000 girls, is a repulsive, egotistical bastard.
There's nothing wrong where recognizing where such double standards come from; it's just that: a recognition, not an endorsement.
Perhaps 'stabbing' was too extreme a word. But unless the guy is being pegged or fisted or something, he is the one doing the penetrating. Regardless of position, the woman is still opening up her body to him, and with that come images of subservience. No, it isn't right. It just IS.
"CONSERVATIVE, n.
A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others."
- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
I'm not puritanical about sex, by the way. I realize people need to get their rocks off; I just don't like it when it seemingly becomes the focal point of many people's lives, especially when done irresponsibly (i.e., no protection).
As to the original post, regarding the girl's fiance having sex with the party girl. It takes two to screw, certainly, and she should be more pissed with him and, if she's going to be so bent out of shape about the party girl, should inquire how many women he's been with. That said, 10 people in one night is just ri-god-damn-diculous, regardless of who it is.
"CONSERVATIVE, n.
A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others."
- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
The structural anatomy of males and females does not explain the double standard for male promiscuity. I am not offering an explanation myself, but I feel compelled to respond to your post. There are psychologies and emotions behind the sexual act. Who is the aggressive party when a female rapes a male?
Looking through your conceptual eye-glasses concerning oral sex:
Oral sex is fruitless, there is no chance for the male to impregnate the woman, thus there is no way for him to fulfill his biological or social function. So when a woman is "giving" oral sex, is she not at the same time, "denying" the male her egg.
-phil
It's not a double standard. I know guys and girls that are sluts. The difference between me disapproving and not caring is if they admit it or not. I've dated a slutty girl who pretended to be innocent and paid the consequences for it. I hate girls who are sluts but don't admit it. Likewise, I hate guys who are sluts but don't admit it. Both of them play with people until they're bored and both hurt people (emotionally). The difference is that guys are much more likely to admit they are sluts than girls are, so a girl slut is much more likely to be a terrible person.
instead of waiting until "love", I would have no obligation to admit my sexual practices to anyone, except future partners. Having many sexual partners does not make one a slut (not even in a short period of time).
Actually, it does. If you're sleeping with more than one person at the same time or dating one person and sleeping with someone else, you're a slut.
Is that written somewhere in the dictionary?
Common sense is as rare as genius. ~Emerson
Yes.
See below if you want a quote, or see a dictionary before you post a question that can be answered by one.
The connotation of "slut" may be up for grabs, but the denotation is not. Sleep with many partners and you are a slut.
"A person, especially a woman, considered sexually promiscuous."
That or a prostitute.
Promiscuous -"characterized by or involving indiscriminate mingling or association, esp. having sexual relations with a number of partners on a casual basis."
We can debate whether being a slut is really a BAD thing. We can say we don't want to be called sluts in a derogatory sense, but the definition is simple.
Res ipsa loquitur.
memor mori, mahalo.
i really really enjoyed your post and i like the comments youve left so far :)
im currently taking a human sexuality class right now, and it deals a lot with issues like this...and a lot of "macho" guys in class have been shut down because of it.
these double standards have got to go :) males and females both have equal needs as human beings and therefore should have equal amounts of judgment both negative or both positive...not one this way and one that. it just doesnt make any logical sense. it takes two to tango, unless its rape....but we wont get into that :)
I think the double standard arises from the portrayal of potential mates as "good catches" and prizes. Many of the phrases we use to describe courtship term our partners as a prize or reward.
The unspoken inference behind saving yourself for marriage is that a virgin is a better prize for their partner. It is also implied that a virgin is more likely to end up with a good partner than a promiscuis person.
It is also deeply ingrained in our cultural cat/mouse understanding of courtship. The woman makes herself enticing to attract the attention of a desirable man. In this sense the woman is seen as "asking for" any sexual encounters she has, where as a man can be construed as simply responding, not initiating. By this logic, it is actually the woman who initiates any kind of romantic/sexual relationship. By looking attractive she invites attention, by looking unattractive or unapproachable she deflects it. While men try to cast themselves as the aggressors and the hunters, our attitudes betray the opposite.
The man is more of a gatherer than a hunter. He doesn't choose the weakest, easiest catch as a hunter would, he chooses the brightest, juiciest fruit as a gatherer would. Not only that but the fruit WANTS to be picked, as opposed to the prey of the hunter, which quite obviously does not wish be chosen. So in most cases the woman is seen as inviting and encouraging men.
Women have done so for a very long time in Western Culture. They have also walked the thin line between attractive and sexual. The woman is meant to be physically attractive without appearing to be sexually available. This boosts the male ego and allows him to be the proud hunter in his mind, instead of what he truly is, a getherer. When the woman appears too sexually available women are outraged because she "isn't playing fair." Men are outraged because they are shown to be the getherers they are instead of the the hunters they have been told they are.
Hopefully I haven't strained the metaphor too bably, but it seems apt to me.
Res ipsa loquitur.
memor mori, mahalo.
Jesus loves you!!! Think about it!!!
Think about it! Did that tactic do anything but piss people off?
Res ipsa loquitur.
memor mori, mahalo.
Jesus! Has! Nothing! To! Do! With! My! Sex! Life!
Common sense is as rare as genius. ~Emerson
I agree. If you are going to preach take it somewhere else.
This is a great entry, girl! Girls are judged for sleeping around while guys are applauded by their friend's for getting laid. This standard will take a long time to change in our society.
There is another part of this story that drives me crazy though. As I read through the responses to this post, I noticed the word "hate" used in reference to girls who are sluts.
I don't believe that any girl is truly a slut. She may act slutty at times, but why are all girls so mean to each other and quick to label their fellow females as sluts or whores. Often the slutty things that girls do are done when they are very young, and other girls stand on their high horses saying that those girls are sluts.
What if your own sister was a slut? Would you judge her? I feel like the teacher played by Tina Fey in the movie "Mean Girls" right now, but come on. Can't we all just get along?
It's not just about "sleeping around." It's the manner you do it in. I hate most sluts and I have every reason to. I dated a girl that is (was?) "truly" a slut. She played innocence, but went behind my back. If she made it clear from the beginning that she was a slut, I never would have dated her. However, I would not hate her because it's her choice if she wants to be exceptionally promiscuous. And no, I did not contradict myself because I make a distinction between sluts that play with people's emotions (let's call these sluts the "bad" ones) and sluts that don't. Unfortunately, most guys make it clear that they are sluts. I have not met a guy-slut yet that hasn't. However, I have met plenty of girls that play innocence, but are really sluts. It's not that guys aren't judged, it's just that there are more "bad" girl sluts than "bad" guy sluts, so I'm not going to high-five girls for scoring because I can safely assume* they hurt someone in the process.
*A "safe assumption" is one that has greater than a 50% chance of being true.
Frankly, I would find it hard to respect a woman OR man who has had a great number of sexual partners. Even if there is a double standard, women can avoid being seen in a negative light by just acting morally.
Will there be greater consequences for a very sexually active female than there would be for a male? Probably. But if a girl just does not act in such a way, no one will judge her or call her a slut.
What, exactly, is "acting morally" in regards to sexual behavior?
Common sense is as rare as genius. ~Emerson
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I am personally so against the double standard that is so ripe in society right now.. i could go on and on about how unfair it is but i think the only way to look past it is for women to stand up for themselves more and do what they want to do without the fear of what people will say or how they will judge, and then be able to put themselves out there and talk about it as men do and not be critisized. with only time will come change.
"Virginity is a virtue to those who wish to deflower."
“Existentialism means that no one else can take a bath for you” - Delmore Schwartz
"Patriotism is often an arbitrary veneration of real-estate above principles." - George Jean Nathan