I've debated within my own head my sitation numerous times. What if? What if things had been different? What if they had stuck around? Would I have done things differently? Would things have been better or worse?
I'm sure I need to attach a back-story for those of you who haven't read anything about this before.
The summer before my senior year my parents divorced. Right away my father moved to another state, and I stayed behind with my mother. Shortly after that, my mom aquired a "Friend" (A boyfriend. I don't care how much she said he wasn't her boyfriend.). She spent a great amount of time with this "friend". I avoided this "friend" but I did so very respectfully. I told my mom that I had no problem with her dating, but Dad had only just left months before, and I was not ready to become well aquainted with her "friend". She insisted upon it, and when I finally had to have dinner with my mom and her "friend" I decidedly did not like him. Not because he was "not dating" my mother, but because he was an asshole. He was extremely rude to me the first day I met him. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but if he's hookin' up with my Mom, it's his responsibility to make me like him. I don't have to like him. It's expected of me to not like him, expecially with the time frame I was presented with. I kept an open mind though, and he shoved his foot in his mouth so fast I thought I was dreaming.
Anyways. Mom began taking extended vacations with her "friend", and I had the house to myself. I was happy with this, because I wasn't burdened with my mother's new-found teenageryness, or her "friend". I was 16, and very happy to have this freedom. I was always a very independent and rebellious person, who got into alot of trouble, but I was perfectly happy to sit in the empty house and watch TV and eat take-out.
I was working two jobs, and quit one just as the school year began because I was sick of it. Shortly after that the other place I was working decided they were going to close, and I was left without a job. This was fine, though, because I had my Mom, right? Well, then Mom and her "Friend" go to vegas for a vacation. Next thing I know I get a phone call saying that her "friend" was going to live with us when they came back. I threw a fit. My mother had not once considered my opinion on a strange man living in our house. She had not once considered my feelings on this matter. I was hysterical. I had handled all her shinnanians fairly well up to this point, but this was the last straw. I had no way of changing the situation though. By the time they came back, the plan had changed drastically.
I came home from school to my mom and her "friend" sitting in our kitchen, and they had something to tell me. They were moving to Vegas in two days, and I could either come along or they would leave me the house. WHAT!? I chose to stay, obviously. They claimed they would take care of everything. Bills, send me money, everything. It sounded peachy but I saw through it. I had a little faith in the begining in spite of that. They left, poof. Two days later, poof.
I had been seeing a man ( I stress man. He is 14 years older than I. ) but not dating him. You may be shocked at the age difference, but he was a friend of my good friend's older brother, and we had met that way, hitting it off. We hung out alot, and buddied around. About a month after my mom left, I was practically living with him. (As a side note, we have been dating a year and some odd months as of now, and will probably be engaged within the next year.) Well, I'm glad I had him to rely on because my mom gradually began to "forget" to pay the bills or "she sent them the check and couldn't under stand why they sent a letter saying she didnt...." The only thing I have her paying as of now is my car payment because I have no other choice. If I had the choice I would take it up, but I am in no way financially sound enough to take on that bill at the moment. Anyway, back to the time we were talking about. I eventually told her to just shut the stuff off. Let me rephrase that. I told her to shut everything off but the electricity because I hadn't had a chance to clear out the fridge yet, and when I did that I would let her know so she could shut off the electricity. HAH. She shut it off anyway, and I didn't know until like weeks later. That's another story, though. She did not send me money. She paid two bills for me, my car insurance and my car. I asked for no help for college. I asked for money only when I absolutely needed it and even then she would send like $50. I did have another job by this time, but at 17 its kind of hard to support yourself.
Now my mother has gotten herself into such debt it's outrageous but I refuse to feel sorry for her, because she did this to herself. I am legally abandoned in spite of some jerry-rigged noterized piece of paper naming a friend of mine's mother as my temporary guardian to keep Social Services off my back, and my lawyer pacifying the State's Attorney so he would stay out of it as well.
Anyway. The things that I ponder are this: Is my life better off this way? I got in so much trouble when my parents were around, my grades were horrible, etc. When they were gone, I didn't get in any more trouble and I made the honor roll. I've figured out all this college bull-shit on my own, and am currently in my first semester after taking a semester off. Where is my dad in all this, you ask? He is disabled, and does not have much income. He lives in another state and wasn't even aware that Mom had left until my uncle told him (because my uncle called the house and I was talking to him about it. I hadn't really talked to my dad at that point.). Right now he gives me emotional support when I need it, and even sent me $1,000 to help with college that I in no way expected. He had saved it up from his measly income.
I've always been an independent person, and I cherish the fact that I am my own person, and have been allowed to be so much more since my parent's influence was removed. I do pine for the days when my responsibility was less, however. When I had someone to rely on. I look around at all the kids around me, even the college students, and they think they have it so hard, but...They have no idea what it's like to honestly have to do everything on your own.
No one works with you, and it seems like the whole world is there just to hinder your path to success. When there is no one there to help you shoulder the burden, it's very lonely no matter how many friends you have.
I just wonder if this was the best solution.
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