Strange, unexpected revelations on beliefs

God works in mysterious ways.

We read a poem today in AP English lit. It's called "A Noiseless Patient Spider" by Walt Whitman.

"A NOISELESS, patient spider,
I mark’d, where, on a little promontory, it stood, isolated;
Mark’d how, to explore the vacant, vast surrounding,
It launch’d forth filament, filament, filament, out of itself;
Ever unreeling them—ever tirelessly speeding them.

And you, O my Soul, where you stand,
Surrounded, surrounded, in measureless oceans of space,
Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing,—seeking the spheres, to connect them;
Till the bridge you will need, be form’d—till the ductile anchor hold;
Till the gossamer thread you fling, catch somewhere, O my Soul."

We discussed how Whitman might have been talking about finding a religion. He is the spider. The "ductile anchor" is a God. He writes "ductile" to say that when he flings his thread everywhere in search for security, he brings in different beliefs and religions. This proposes the possibility that the set religions we have today, if perhaps combined, may be the ultimate, truthful conclusion.

This poem almost made me want to pray to God -- right there in the classroom. Because these past few weeks, I've been doubting. I felt EXACTLY as the spider -- I felt like....this world has so many beliefs. I'm living in this vacant, vast surrounding. And all I have is this measly little thread to fling around, hopefully reeling in truth.

Then today, I was at Blair School of Music with nothing much to do. I needed someone to talk to really badly. And I kind of felt hopeless. I didn't have anyone to talk to about my personal situation. But then a certain person called. And AH! It was like CLICK! That person related to everything I have been through and was going through. They were going through the same exact thing. And God was bought into the convo, and realization after realization dawned on me. And when I hung up, I just kind of went to the nearest bathroom and cried. and prayed.

The concept of trust with something you can't comprehend-- has finally seeked in. The concept of faith. I finally get it: I can't help the fact that my mind wanders. Even if I don't outwardly speak my thoughts, my mind will still think and wander. I'm supposed to just TRUST. just trust that my relationship with God is real and that He will pave my path and show himself to me in many great personal ways.

and I have a reassurance. It's weird. Like, even with everything I have done, am doing, and will do...no matter how stupid, or publicly unappealing, that there IS a God who understands. And this God does not have to be clearly defined by a set, specific religion. He's not a guard of a prison.

also, it has finally hit me: all sins are equal in God's eyes. Liars, thieves, homosexuals, murderers, and adulters...they can all believe and be in a relationship with God. And i believe that some churches today are restricting God's love. If they can open their doors to liars and holders of greed, why can't they open their doors to homosexuals? why do they condemn them? No matter WHAT or WHO they are defined by society -- God is able to love them -- regardless if they fail to keep clean.