The feeling comes back

If you know me by now you know that I think too much. This is due to my anxiety disorder. Feelings that have been suppressed so long can come back so quickly. By surpressing feelings I can go on with my life. I can get over things. I can become emotionally numb.

I give advice often, but I can admit I don't practice what I preach. Many people don't. They know what they should do so they tell other people, but they neglect to follow it themselves. I have felt like I am going crazy sometimes with all the thoughts in my head. The good vs the bad. It is a constant battle to stay positive when so much negative is going on around you. But you have to fight the demons and not let them take you over.

That emptiness that tears at your insides. It is a bottomless pit. While my dad sits here on the laptop I am non existant. (I wasn't trying to rhyme that, but I guess it worked out that way) My problem is I can hide my emotions too well. I have learned to do this because of the people who have gained from my weakness of emotion. I hold my emotions in for a really long time then out of no where my emotions come out. From holding in my emotions I will randomly cry when I see a ASPA commercial, or videos of the Iraq troops. I never used to do this. It is sad but not that sad.

I would silently cry in my room when noone was around. I have been taught (like most guys are taught even though I'm a girl) that crying is unacceptable. Only babies cry. Thicken your skin. You are too sensitive. If you were told to suck it up when you were 10 years old, and to stop being a baby when someone is yelling in your face how would you feel?

Let someone be who they want! If they are sensitive get over it. Do you want to see how screwed up you have made someone from trying to make them stronger? You can't MAKE anyone do something. They have to learn this on their own.

I used to be so emotionally weak. Anything would get me. Since I was criticized by family,friends, random people, all the time there was no escaping it. Someone would say well your writing sucks. I would be so sad. I would stay depressed over the smallest things. Even things to help me improve, I would take offense to because I had to deal with people telling me I was fat,ugly,stupid,couldn't draw, telling me I couldn't do anything right. Yes alot of people deal with this I know and some worse.

The point is when a thought is instilled into your mind for 12 years it is hard to correct it. Changing your train of thought is hard, but you can do it. It is a process not something you can do over night. I am still currently working on it.

I am in a pensive state of thought constantly. I try to focus when people talk but it is hard. I have came up with great ideas this way, but I feel I am so different. Who thinks constantly? Not alot of people, except me.

I try to decifer my actions and pin them with psychology. I try not to talk about myself too much but since I think so much if I don't say something I will forget. I have even forgot what I was worrying about when I was worrying. Then I start to worry about what was I worry about? This is insane. And you know what? I can't turn it off. I have tried. This is the only thing I can not surpress are my thoughts. Lately I have been doing great. Then suddenly, the wave of thoughts comes back. It is like a billion people are trying to talk to you at once. No I don't hear voices.

The best form of therapy I have found lately dealing with not having closure in a situation is to hand write that person a letter. Tell them how you feel, tell them everything and don't hold back. You don't have to give it to this person, but after writing this letter you will feel a sense of relief. Like that person is not a burden to you anymore. Yes they are still in your thoughts, but all the questions, all the things that you think about are all on that paper. I have never had closure. I think this has been an issue.

When a feeling comes back it is like life stands still for a moment. You have to make sure you let these feeling out and don't suppress them. I am really not sure what direction this blog is going. I guess you could look at it as a rant and advice. You can still help other people just make sure you are in the process of helping yourself as well.

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