Illogic: Bitter friend, sweet enemy.

My sweet, dear friend twinkling and glistening in the sun shine with the dew of condensation beckoning me. So refreshing and quenching like water on a hot summer day in the desert. You clear my parched soul and wash my inhibition down. And yet away I should stay. Yet my body yearns for your fizzle and weight in my belly. Why must my mind always turn to you. So delicious, so tasty, so poison. My little liquor buddy how I wish to hold you near guzzle you down and live with out fear. I will stay here, sober, wise and in control. I will not become what made me. I am stronger because I am aware. I see you calling and I will always turn away. No alcohol, not today, not now, never. GO AWAY.

This is a daily struggle for any alcoholic. Many say that I am lucky to have pulled myself up before I fell down the black hole of alcoholism completely and to not truly know the terror of lose in the comfort of a drink. I say it is worse because I do not know. I am fearful and panicky…paranoid. I look beyond each corner and peek around bends looking for signs of loosing it, looking for signs of addiction. As a not alcoholic I can drink, but how much till I lose what I wish to keep.

Were did it start? The nature verses nature debate is void. I lived with my alcoholic father but no one seemed to notice his consuming.

My big bro thinks he is above the disease, refused to drink, then maybe one for the most special of occasions. Then he switched to finding more special times to drink, then only once a week, now to only relax after lots of working. So I ask, if he is so strong, what about me?

I show signs of addictive behavior, obsessive deeds. If I chose to indulge, how long before AA meeting? Can I risk a sip; it will be only one, just once this time, this time for me. Crap, what was I thinking

IT is every where. People drink at parties, after work relaxing and at ball games. Not just one or two but maybe five or six. Many do this very often. Are they alcoholics, should one say something, how do you know? why can they have a good time without conscience and I look on wondering are they drunks, will I beome one? Were is the line, who draws it and who says when to say what to whom????

I have been in a hole before. During tech school for six months I filled my soul for months. I woke my passion, I could write and be poetic, crack jokes and sing songs. People liked me. Harmless danger!

Unquenching thirst, training in joy without the drink. No support for the not alcoholic. Do not do it, do not go there and do not get lost. You will. You won’t. You will. Don’t.