THIS IS WHAT THE WORLD IS COMING TO!
Attention Ladies! Do you lay awake at night dreaming of stardom? Do you picture yourself up on the big screen? Do you imagine hearing your voice on the radio? Well ladies, it can happen! It doesn’t matter what you look like now. It doesn’t even matter how talented you are. If you follow my five simple steps you can achieve the fame you have long desired. Don’t worry, it’s easy! Good luck!
Step 1: Dye your hair blonde
This first step is extremely crucial. If you’re not a bleach blonde Barbie your chances at stardom are decreased by about 70%. Once you’re famous and have your own clothing line it is more than acceptable to go back to your normal hair color. However, when just starting out fake is always the best look a woman can go for. Make sure to choose the most unnatural looking shade possible. If it looks like you were born with your hair that color that defeats the purpose.
Step 2: Work for or pay for the perfect body
It doesn’t really matter how this step gets accomplished. What matters is that it gets done. In order to star in film, television or make music you must be skinny. It doesn’t matter if you’re healthy or not. Actually, an eating disorder or drug addiction can be quite helpful. If you have one of these you’re probably well on your way to accomplishing the perfect body. If for some reason you can’t seem to throw up your food there is always plastic surgery. In fact, while getting a tummy tuck, why not get some breast implants too? A woman can never go wrong with those. Remember ladies: fake is in.
Step 3: Get skin cancer
I know what you’re thinking. If I’m becoming a coke addict and puking up everything I eat my skin is going to be disgusting! Yes, this is true. You will become white and pasty. You will look like a total freak. However, this can be fixed. Have no fear darlings. To cover up the pale skin tone of your bony little bodies you can always tan! Go ahead and jump into a tanning bed and start baking your flesh. Skin cancer isn’t that big of a price to pay. Besides you won’t have to worry about that until you’re like 75. Don’t you want to be famous? How bad do you want it?
Step 4: Loose your self respect
At this point you’re blonde, barley visible (with the exception of your D cup) and golden brown. The next thing you must do is be willing to take it off. What is IT you ask? Why, your clothes silly! Clothes are over rated. The less clothing you have on while auditioning the better. Since you will be half naked anyways why not blow the casting director while you’re at it. Come on girlies! If you’ve come this far you can’t stop now. Besides, once you’ve made it in the business you’re probably going to end up posing for Playboy anyways. Therefore, it’s probably in your best interest to start dressing and acting like a this now.
Step 5: If you have talent throw it out the window
Don’t worry about whether or not you have any actual talent. If you have any you probably won’t ever use it. You can go ahead and throw it out the window right now. If you end up becoming a recording artist you will probably just end up moaning a few sexy phrases over some music. If you’re more of an actress type you definitely don’t need to be able to act. You usually will be cast as a mindless blonde hottie which isn’t really going to be a stretch for you. Not a challenge at all now that you’ve followed my 5 simple steps. See, it really was easy! Congrats!
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