Guilt, Fear,Pain and watching someone die

There are many things in life that I can admit and admit proudly because they are good things. I don't mean to post again but I can't take it anymore. I can't take the pain that digs at my heart and rips at my insides day after day. I can't take the fact that I should die, that I am not worthy of living anymore.

Because in a fit of rage I wrote a poem and wished my mom's death. Since I don't get mad when I do get mad like most people I can't think clearly.

Wishing this resulted from this incident stated below. I have never told my dad nor will I ever. The only person I have ever told was my boyfriend.
My boyfriend and I went to wendy's one day when my mom was very sick. She would always say
" go ahead and go somewhere I can't be any company right now when I'm this sick."
I asked her If she wanted anything and she said yes a burger and a frosty. We came home and I asked her if she wanted it now. She said yes.

I went back in her bedroom to give her the burger and the frosty and she started screaming at me.

" I told you I just wanted the frosty!"
" Well mom you should eat you haven't ate in 2 weeks."
" Just fucking take it away or throw it away."

The reason for my outrage was because I can't stand ungreatful people and I felt as though she was being ungreatful. It wasn't uncommon for her to yell at me but it was when she was this sick.

After my boyfriend went home and after I wrote the poem my mom called me back in her room. I never knew what to expect from my mom and what kind of mood she would be in.
" I'm sorry sweetie I really just don't feel good"
I felt so awful but didn't realise how awful I would feel until she was at the hospital.

I remember one night she asked me to lay in bed with her. She asked me to go to sleep with her. I laid there for a little while but told her I can't sleep here mom. I thought I was too old, 18 was to old to sleep with your mom.

I remember the car ride to the hospital. She was sitting in the front seat and I was in the back. She reached her hand back and grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly.
" I'm going to be ok right Dani?"
" Yes mom you will be ok."

We waited 10 hours at the hospital for my mom to get a room. Everything spiraled down from there. The next day I decided not to go up and see her in the morning because we had such a long night. My boyfriend and I slept in at home (he spent the night) but my dad got up early and went up to see her.

That same day my boyfriend and I woke up at 12 and went with my dad back to the hospital. We didn't get as far as the parking lot before we recieved a phone call from the hospital. They said she had to have a tube stuck down her thoart for emergency breathing, that she was having seizures and needed to be transferred immediately to the other hospital that was bigger.

She was in a coma and had 4 more seizures in the ambulance ride to the other hospital. She was placed in ICU.

She was nonresponsive for 2 weeks. She was feed through a feeding tube. I counted the bags that keep her alive. There were nearly 12. Her kidneys stopped working and they said she had gone into renal failure. She was placed on dialysis 24 hours a day 7 days a week. If you ever hear the words "she is very sick." you will know that those coded words mean they are most likely going to die. Her feet were turning purple and parts of her fingers.

One day my mom came back. She communicated by blinking and had actually opened her eyes she could also squeeze my hand.
we would say "squeeze if you love us." and she would squeeze tightly. We asked her questions about if she was in pain, how she was doing, and everything and she would blink for yes. But after that day she fell back into a coma. The nurse said maybe she came back that one day just to say she knows your here.

She (on another day) flatlined during the day and was given cpr and brought back to life. But she would only last for another 4 days. I was throwing up and felt awful when my dad told me I should go and sit up there with her because it didn't look good. My dad couldn't go because he was at work.

on August 25, 2006 exactly one week before her 48th birthday we had just been up to visit my mom and were a mile from the house when we recieved a phone call.

" Her blood pressure is dropping you need to come back, it is dropping slowly but it may just bottom out."

We went back to the hospital and my boyfriend, my dad and I were sitting in the room. Her blood pressure was at 60. We took turns going to the bathroom and getting drinks. When I came back it was 55. I watched it go to 40. I stood next to her and held her hand
" Mom I'm here I love you so much."
My dad read a note that he wrote to her that said:

Me, Cory, Dani, and comet (our dog) love you alot. We want you to feel better and I want you to know we all are here for you and if you need to go you can go.

Her heart rate stayed at 40 for a little while and when it hit 39 it plumited to a flatline. While this was happening I said my last goodbye and told her how much I would miss her and loved her I told her it will be ok you can go if you need to I understand. she seemed like she was trying to hold on.

I couldn't stay in the room any longer after she passed away it bothered me. The air machine was still hooked up and I was fooling myself thinking she was still breathing.
My dad stayed as long as he could.

My wish follows me everyday reminding me. I blame myself most times although the hospital put the deep-line catheter in an artery instead of a vein causing the stroke,seizures, and coma. The guilt eats at me the only thing I can say is be careful what you wish for even if you really don't mean it.

Share this post on:

 •    •    •    •    •