On Singleness and Relationships

As I read the last chapter of Unhooked Generation, by Julian Straus, I felt the need to record my thoughts about what I've learned.

First, soulmates are not born; they are made. Today, everyone wants to meet that special someone, their soulmate, the perfect person for the. You'll never find a perfect person. Rather you and that person who's willing to take the dive with you and become commited grow into soulmates. It's a process that takes years and years. So often now, people keep looking and looking for a soulmate, when amazing but slightly imperfect people are right in front of their noses. My cousin Sharon, for example, is 40 and single--never married. Why? She would break up with guys over ity bitty details. One time a her boyfriend asked her if she could cook, and she broke up with him for that because "it was like he expected me to be a housewife". About 7 years later, she and the man got back together, and have been seeing eachother again for 2 years. Now that she's giving the relationship time to grow instead of expecting things to be ideal right off the bat, they are both very happy.

Second, men and women need to get rid of their internal scripts of how relationships or singleness "should go". For girls: Guys are all raised with different values. Some parents teach their sons to be poster boys for chivalry, bringing their girlfriends dozens of flowers and chocolate, and paying for all the dates, while others are taught otherwise. So don't dismiss a second date with a guy just because he made you split the bill for dinner, or break up because he never brings you flowers. All that stuff, like having a guy open the door for you (always) is just part of a script that society has drilled into our heads. While it's nice and very much appreciated when guys go to the trouble of doing the small things, you need to evaluate the relationship as a whole. I know from experience that roses are often meaningless: one guy I dated always gave me a red rose every date we went on. it was sweet, and I thought that meant he really liked me, but when the first disagreement came along, he dropped me like a hot potato. Do not confuse his chivalry or lack thereof with a barometer for how much he loves you. For guys: Society has put a bug in all your brains that marriage equals death and that you need time to play the field. Now I'm not saying go out and get married to the first girl you meet. I'm simply stating that this societal attitude leads to quite some commitment issues. We've all heard about that one guy who fell in love at age 25ish, was gonna get married, and then broke off the engagement because he still wanted to "see what's out there". What I want to say is when you meet someone really worth while, who you care about very deeply and lovingly who you actually could see yourself marrying, GO FOR IT. Of course be reasonable, don't be impulsive, and do think about it, it's a big deal. But find a good reason to chicken out, please. Playing the field, or waiting for someone better to come along is NOT an excuse for letting go someone who's truly amazing and loves you.

Third, the purpose of singleness, rather than to play the field, is to develop the skills and maturity necessary to maintain a marriage. Everyone seems to focus extermally, on finding that perfect somebody else. We need to focus internally, on improving ourselves; we need to work toward becoming open, lovable, selfless, optimistic, brave, accepting, patient, and loving. Until we become all those things, the relationships we get involved in are basically fated to end. In addition, the world we live in molds and shapes our minds in such a way that dooms us for divorce. People have become increasingly egocentric; there are often so many choices in American culture that we treat looking for the right person like shopping for a pair of jeans; divorce is so commonplace that we become paralyzed with cynicism about marriage itself, never really commiting to the idea of FOREVER; we model ourselves after our celebrity role models; the Feminist revolution has turned gender roles topsy turvy and we are all very confused about the do's and dont's of dating; our high standards of living instill in us a "why suffer?" mentality so we ditch people at the first sign of trouble; society's cultural delay of marriage till older ages (more and more people get married for the first time in their 30's!) makes people too set in their ways to compromise, and pressures women into being controlled by their biological clocks. Our time as singles is PRECIOUS. We must use it to learn the right values and habits, which are the opposite of what all these influences teach us, so that we can have successful marriages.

Fourth, when in a relationship, it's okay to doubts about the person you're with. Nobody is perfect, doubts are natural. Instead of ending a relationship when you have doubts, talk to someone about it; maybe you are afraid of commitment. You know how you can know if that person is right for you? If while you're having a meltdown because of your doubts, he is right there, taking care of you despite them. Usually your realtionship anxiety has nothing to do wiht the person you are dating, and everything to do with your state of mind.

Lastly,

"Love doesn't choose you: You choose love. Someone doesn't just show up on your doorstep, whether it is Tom Cruise or Ed Norton or whomever your fantasy man is, and you fall in love. I truly thought when the perfect man showed up, I would just feel all those things. But we do it ourselves. If you have your walls up--fear and skepticism--you just won't fall head over heels. No one can bring it out if you are not open to it. Once I learned that, everything changed."

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