I wrote this last night, and decided to post it here. Its just simply my thoughts, concerns etc as my Senior Year of High School draws to a close. There might be a sequel I don't know.
So I am sitting here, knowing I should be asleep or studying for the tests I have tomorrow, or writing essays for scholarship applications. But instead I am sitting here listening to Hannah Montanna browsing through myhotcomments.com in search of some randomness to post on my friends comments, worrying about Johnny, and just throughly procrastinating.
I'm going to be so sad when this school year is over, because I might never see the people who have helped shaped me into what I have become over the past eight years. There are a few people I won't miss, but I'll wonder about. The ones who made me run out of the room crying everyday of my Junior High School life, the ones who asked me daily if I ate babies, or was a lesbian.
There are some people I'm probably going to wonder about forever, the guys I had crushes on for like ever, but never had a chance with. The girls I thought about talking too, but didn't.
There are some people who I was really close to one year, but not the next. I'll wonder about them, miss them and regret all the fun we didn't have.
Then there are some people that every second I'm not with them I'll miss like crazy. They know who they are. These people are the ones who without whom I would have probably already went insane from all the crap thats been thrown at me this year.
They're the ones I'll cry about at graduation. They're the ones I'll keep my myspace for.
I'll miss the teachers, some not at all, some more than others.
I'll miss the whole High School Routine, until I start college and get in the groove.
Maybe I'll like college more, maybe I'll hate it more, maybe it'll be the same, only suck less because its not High School.
I don't know where life or fate is going to take me. I know where I want it to take me. I know where I don't want to go.
But nothing is set in stone.
I'm scared of loosing them.
I'm scared of never seeing them again.
I'm scared of failing.
I'm scared of being alone.
If me and Johnny ended, it would crush me. But it wouldn't be the end of the world. I would hate it. Trust me. I love that boy with everything I have to love with. But I love him enough that if I have too, I'll let him go. I'll fight till my fingers bleed to keep him, but if I have to I'll let go.
I don't want to have to let go.
If I go to Southeast for a year, I'm starting my classes in the summer so I can finish faster, and get to Campbellsville. But I'm scared, that if Johnny and I break up, that all of my plans will just die, the way that butterflies do if you keep them in jars and forget to poke holes in the lid.
If I go straight to C.U. I'll be living in a dorm. But I still have the same fear.
Johnny says he's okay with me staying here for a little longer. But I can tell it bothers him. It bothers me too. But with the current situation what can I do?
I'm afraid that its going to shove us apart.
When he graduates, he'll have a job.
When I graduate, I'll be in school.
What if we don't have any free time to talk or visit?
What if I go down there and never get to see him?
I'm terrified his ex will show up during the time I'm stuck here, and steal him away from me. -_- Trust me. People are easy to manipulate when they are miles away from the one they love.
I know I'm worrying over nothing.
But I can't help it.
No matter what I do, no one cares what I want to do with my life.
No one cares that I'm in love.
No one cares that I just want to be happy.
Everyone else wants to pick my life for me.
And until September 17, 2008 there is nothing I can do about it, but yell and cry.
Friends come and go the ones you lose after you are out of highschool should not be worried about because if they were just friends with you in highschool then they really weren't truly your friends. It is hard in your last year of highschool because you have so many feelings. If things are ment to be they are ment to be. If something bad happens something good will come out of it. Although it is hard try to stay positive, the more negative you are the more bad things will happen to you. It is strange but that is how it works.
Thanks for your comment, and your words of wisdom.
I'm getting better at staying positive, I personally blame the book 'Tuesdays with Morrie' for my newly slowly changing optimistic attitude.
I miss high school. I still keep in touch with my great friends via cell phone and myspace of course. I wonder about the other people, and hear about how their lives are going through the grapevine, but it's just weird how one day you see them, and then the next they're just a fading memory. It's been almost 5 years since I've graduated high school, and I can't recall certain people's names and faces. I went to college having a boyfriend. He didn't go to the same school I did. Its definatley hard work keeping a boyfriend and going to school at the same time. But because I chose to better myself through going to college and continuing my education, my relationship just took a backseat. He understood that. We both understood the consequences, and continued our relationship anyways. We are still together. :)
I really appreciate your commenting. Especially the part about you and your boyfriend still being together. It makes me feel a lot better about the decision I have to make.
And thanks for reading.
Oh wow, I know how you feel. This blog of yours is actually something that's been on my mind, too.
The situtations, not the actual blog. lol.
But yeah, it seems like college is so close, yet so far away. Or maybe the other way around, if that makes any sense.
... I don't even know what school I'm going to (for some reason that felt relevant to what I was saying... lol?)
I would love for some of the things in my life to stay the same, and I know that some of those things will change. I also can't wait for some things to change. Definitely.
I don't really know what I can say that hasn't already been said, whether in a comment or in your post.
I wish you the best of luck in your relationship, and I hope that you don't forget that you're going to school to go to class and get DONE with school. I know a lot of kids who have forgotten that...
And senior year is a beast, but it's also fun. So not only the best of luck in your relationship, but everything else as well :)
Thank you for reading as well as your comment.
Its great to know I'm not crazy, that other people feel the same way!