This morning, I had a case of the birthdays.
What are the birthdays, you ask?
Well, it's the feeling you (or I, at least) have on my birthday: that happy, perky feeling that just kind of resonates with you during your day of birth.
I felt like "Yaaay!!! I can have my cell phone with me all day now! I can go to the bathroom right after meals! I can go get Starbucks WHENEVER I WANT!!!"
Then ESM (Evil Staff Member...the one who made me drink Ensure and is a rule Nazi) was confused when I told her that today was my first day of transition.
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"YES, you bitch, I've been counting down the days to this!!!" I said. In my head. Out loud, I was like "Um, yeah." She said she had to talk to Laurie first to make sure. Which meant that I had to go to all scheduled activities today, like normal. Including expressive arts therapy. Dear God.
I questioned Laurie later, "So, does my transition start today or what?" And she said that my therapist and her had discussed it and they thought it would be good for me to do an extra two weeks of the regular program before going into transition.
"Your therapist said she mentioned this with you."
Me: "Yeah, she MENTIONED it. I never said I'd do it." So basically, right now, I'm still HG's little bitch. But I talked to my mom. We can't AFFORD another two weeks plus transition. Heh heh. They're talking to me about it tomorrow, though, and I'm nervous. Because I TOLD Laurie I didn't want to do the extra two weeks. I WANT MY FREEDOM!! I HAVE ALREADY MADE PLANS!!! I HAVE A DATE TOMORROW NIGHT!!!!!!
She said I might still be able to go out tomorrow though, since I'd already had it planned. I have to tell Laurie tomorrow that I can't do the extra two weeks, so hopefully that shouldn't be an issue.
And oh, yeah, I'm not going back to school next semester. Did I mention that?? I FINALLY made up my mind about it. It was driving me fucking insane. Everything and everyone kept screaming at me "TAKE THE SEMESTER OFF!!" but me, being the indecisive worrier that I am, couldn't make up my mind. I even asked these goddess cards and angel cards (kind of like tarot cards) what I should do, and the result they gave me basically said "Trust your instinct and do what you know is right." Which is taking time off of school. I can't go back--not right now.
And honestly, the thought of going back to SDSU makes me sick. UGH. SO many horrible, horrible memories are associated with that place. I was scared to tell my mom about my decision, but when I called her and told her, she was actually very supportive and very, very sweet. I was sobbing (of course) and was like "Mooooom I can't go back ahh ahh ahh! ("ahh" being the sound of my crying) and instead of her taking a big, disappointed sigh and saying "Ang, you have to go back", she actually said "I know, sweetheart. It's making you sick."
I felt so, so happy after talking to her. I have not felt close to my mom in so long, and it was a godsend that she was actually able to provide some motherly comfort in the moment I needed it the most. I was all happy about my decision, and then during art therapy, got really nervous. And antsy about whether or not I was doing the right thing. I went outside to dump out the water from my painting cup (thank God no more musical instruments this time!) and I called Meagan (I never did turn in my phone this morning...tee hee!) and started WEEPING. Of JOY. I was like "I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M CRYING! I'M NOT SAD!!!" It was just this overwhelming sense of calm and I really, really feel that I'm doing the right thing for me.
FOR ME. I can't do this for other people. If people think taking a semester off is lazy or stupid or a life-ruining decision, they can go fuck themselves. I won't be able to graduate or use my degree if I'm dead or on a feeding tube somewhere. School will ALWAYS be there. I finally feel like I'm actually taking care of myself and putting my needs first, for the first time in my life.
So many things annoyed me today. Not only the whole "DO AN EXTRA TWO WEEKS!" fiasco, but I got chastised for talking on my phone too much. CHASTISED!
Laurie: "The treatment team also thinks you're on your phone too much. We'd like you to spend your time doing more recovery-related activities."
Me: "...."
In my head: LIKE WHAT??? Okay, so I talk on my phone a lot. That's because I AM CONSTANTLY TALKING. I never shut up about anything, and guess what?!? I have friends and family in different parts of the country that I would like to speak to, as I am SHELTERED FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD LIVING HERE!!!! Are you kidding me??? Give me a fucking break! While I'm on the phone, other people are on the computer, talking to staff, etc. And apparently this sets them closer to recovery than talking to your best friend does.
Pssh. It's times like this that I feel like I'm going FUCKING INSANE living here. I NEED MY FREEDOM, DAMMIT!!
When I was talking to my mom earlier, she mentioned my dad was pissed about my decision. Oooh, big surprise! She wants me to talk to him, and I said "Mom, I really don't want to be told again that I'm an embarrassment."
Mom: "When did your dad ever say that?"
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Most of that bonding I felt with her had vanished when she said that. Not even remembering when her husband calls their only daughter and embarrassment to the family and says "IF YOU GO BACK TO WISCONSIN I AM NOT GIVING YOU ANYTHING!!!" This was, of course, when i was stuck in the throes of my Ed and considering withdrawing from SDSU. Ahhh, memories.
Uck. I'm so exhausted. I have thought WAY too much today, about everything.
Let's see, just to try to make myself feel better, some good things about today:
1. I made a decision about school. Yay!
2. I bought a zebra print watch at Target. Yaaay!
3. I laughed so hard during art therapy I had to pinch my thigh to try to stop myself. I don't really know why; we were reading a poem which I thought was kinda funny because it was so stupid, and once I started laughing, I just COULD NOT STOP.
4. I had to take like a .03 second shower today after the gym so I would be down in time for lunch, and while I was standing in my bra (right by the window, which faces the street...I didn't have time to close the shades), Aimee walked in and I like convulsed and shouted "I'M NAKED!!!"--which, I technically wasn't (the bra)--and second of all, I have no idea why I had such a dramatic reaction. We found it quite humorous after the fact, though, and got a good chuckle out of it.
5. TARGET NIGHT!!!! And I spent less than $150 this week!!! WOOO!!!! Go me!!
Tomorrow=transition??? It better be. Otherwise I'm sneaking out the balcony and making an escape for tomorrow night. Because the craving for testosterone in this place makes people do CRAZY things.
And if someone in a recovery center thinks it's crazy, you know it's bad.
