A Personal Struggle I Really Don't Talk Much About

I have tagged this blog personal freedom and better future for very specific reasons. Through reading this blog, try to keep those terms in your head as you approach this blog with an open mind.

For the past 7 - 8 years, basically as far back as I can remember in my adult life (I'm 28), I feel that I have been suffering despite my best efforts to function as a normal human being. Through the encouragement of another blogger in response to a post I left about narcotic pain killer addiction, I decided to write this and expose something about myself that I don't tell anyone about much. I don't really tell anyone because I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. I also don't want to tell anyone because some people confuse my complaints with everyday aches and pains that a lot of people have. My boyfriend has even said "well, my knee hurts everyday, so I know what you feel like". The truth is that my pain is underestimated most all of the time, so I choose not to say anything because it seems that no one understands. I suppose it could be my own fault because I don't really say much about what I go through everyday to get out of bed or that I just don't complain about it all the time because people will tell me to go to the doctor, which I have done.

Fibromyalgia is one of three things, that I have noticed, to physicians. Either it's a diagnosis that they give you when they give up looking for the reason you are in so much pain. Or, it's a diagnosis that many physicians don't know about and don't take the time to study how to take care of patients like me. Thirdly, it's a diagnosis that isn't taken seriously and really covers a broad range of people which relates to the first description. There is no cure all to fibromyalgia. I have been through numerous physicians and at one time I was actually insulted by a physician that she thought she had narrowed it down to me getting tested for HIV/AIDS because she had pretty much given up on me. I didn't mind taking the test, but knowing myself I knew that HIV/AIDS wasn't even in the picture.

Most all physicians that I have seen have prescribed me some sort of anti-depressant because they have been shown to help chronic leg muscle pain and other symptoms of chronic pain. So, I either get an anti-depressant that does nothing or one that I can't even keep down. I have tried Elavil, which is also known as amytriptiline, Effexor, Lexapro, and Depakote. Anti-depressants or anti-seizure medications at lower doses can also help a person with chronic pain sleep better without the mental side effects, or so I have been told. The Elavil starts out at 10mg and then you are supposed to increase the dosage until you can feel some sort of effects...well, I don't really want to have to swollow 10 pills a day to see if it works. I mean, that's gotta have some effect on your stomach. Honestly, I never really gave it a chance because I need something that is going to work right now, I can't stand the wait! I know, that's a problem, but it's the honest truth and why Elavil wasn't successful for me. Lexapro helped a bit as far as being depressed because the pain limits what I can do as a young adult. The Effexor I was prescribed was 50mg and I tried 2 different times to keep taking it despite the fact that I couldn't keep it down, but I just couldn't do it. So, I'm back to I just need something right this moment to help me function and attend events with my friends and family.

My weekends are usually spent in bed because I stay up all night and even if I fall asleep, I dream of my feet or toes being cut off because the pain influences my brain. I am always restless when I sleep and I sometimes resort to taking Advil PM to help me fall asleep on those nights that I lay awake just waiting for the day that I don't hurt anymore. But, Advil or Ibuprofen is only good for inflammation, for me that is. In the moments that my skin feels like it's burning, Advil/Ibuprofen takes the sting out of the back side of my legs so I can feel ok putting my pants on or sitting in a chair. If I don't keep my legs shaved that means definite trouble and I can guarantee myself 3 days of prickly burning skin because the hair on my legs causes the inside of my skin to feel irritated. Sounds unreal, but trust me, I live this and have lived with this for years now. Besides being restless, I talk in my sleep about 5-6 nights out of the week. My boyfriend can attest to that. One night I was yelling his name in my sleep loud enough for him to wake up and say what, only for me to wake up and say nevermind. When I wake him up talking in my sleep, he usually tells me to press the reset button. I used to think it was the TV and the people's conversations that I was hearing in my sleep caused this, but I haven't slept with the TV on since my boyfriend moved in about a year ago.

So, besides the prickly legs from time to time and the nightly restlessness, my legs always feel like I just got done running a marathon. My muscles spasm frequently and every night just before I fall asleep the spasm gets so severe that I jerk pretty hard. Hard enough for my boyfriend to roll over and ask me 'what was that?'. All the spasms throughout the day and then at night leave my legs feeling the same way they felt just before I went to bed. Tired and extremely sore. So sore that I can probably count on my hands the number of times that I have felt well enough to actually blow dry my hair in the morning because it's hard to stand in the mornings. It's hard to get up in the morning when you feel like even though you have been asleep for 8 hours, you feel the same tiredness that you felt when you went to bed. The pain extends beyond my legs though. I have sore spots on my spine that if my boyfriend even brushes when he rubs my back, I yelp in pain. My arms get heavy and tired easily and I have sore spots at the bottom of my rib cage on both sides.

None of this is even meant as a plea for attention or a plea for someone to feel sorry for me. I could go on and on with the pain that I feel every single day of my life that prevents me from sitting up for extended hours (No doubt I have to at work, but I take frequent walks to try to get my body into a different position), but I go to school online, so sitting up late is inevitable. This constant need for some sort of relief has led me to an addiction of pain killers. No, they are not perscribed to me because amazingly enough when I go to the doctor none of them seem to think that I am deserving of just one day of relief. I'm not even asking for sympathy because one could safely say that I should have given the anti-depressants a chance.

All I want and dream about sometimes is just one day that I can wake up energized and pain-free. But, there are many people that can walk into the dentist with a toothache and walk out with 30 pills of Vicodin. There are others that I don't know what they tell the physician is the source of their pain, but they walk out with Percocets or even something stronger. So, whether it's right or wrong, I seek outside sources because I have to. I don't seek to get high off of pain killers, I only seek to be able to be ok for a couple of hours and accomplish tasks at my job, or finish my homework assignments, or even go out with my boyfriend. It's a pricey addiction the way I have to go about it though. But, I guess I'm willing to pay whatever the price is to get what I need.

I went to the doctor just last week, but the results were much the same as they always are. That's why I don't go often. I try to describe all of my symptoms but I feel like the physician is rushed onto the next person. Since I have no direct source of pain, I don't get anything for pain. I'm currently trying the Neurontnin (another anti-seizure medication used in a low theraputic dosage) method of taking the edge off of my pain. It's been 3 days and I can't say that I feel any different. Yesterday, I did think I was seeing improvement and I was energized. Today, it's back to the same. I am just going to have to wait this out and give it a chance because it's the only chance I have. I'm trying to stop the other addiction. I really am. Plus, it could get me fired if i ever had to take a drug test. The trouble is that I am changing jobs in about a week and my health insurance will expire and I'll have no coverage for the Neurontnin, so I don't even know if this is worth trying to continue to give it a chance. I'm hoping that when I go to the doctor next week I can get him to write a script for more at one time so that way the script will last longer and I won't have to cave into my addiction to get by. Although the alternative is pricey, I certainly can't afford the $100 it would be to pay for one month's script of Neurontnin.

Finally, this is my last though, which I put in another blog as a response to the one that encouraged me to write this:

Truly, for those of us in chronic pain, I think that pain killers should be treated like any other medication that helps people function day to day.  That's just my thoughts and I realize that there is the addiction issue, but in reality, aren't people that take medication for arthritis 'addicted' to non-inflammatory drugs since they can't function without them?  You see the commercial for Aleve.  Or, perhaps, those with high blood pressure.  Aren't peple that take BP medication 'addicted' in a way to those medications, since without them they run the risk of having a heart attack?  I know my father is on 5 medications in relation to his BP and other heart problems.  When he doesn't take his medication, he feels ill and runs the risk of a heart attack, he already has a stent in one artery.  

While I realize that it's all relative, but if I am willing to acept the risk of being addicted to pain killers, can't I sign a release of responsibility form for the possiblity of addiction just so I can function everyday?  Why are people with fibromyalgia treated so differently?  What risks are there if I continue to take pain killers to function that are so much more dangerous than if a high BP patient stops taking their BP meds?  Hypothetically speaking.  I know, you are probably thinking, well, they could die, but sometimes the pain is so strong ... it feels like it just couldn't get any worse.   

Share this post on:

 •    •    •    •    •