An Open Letter

[I'm the first to admit--sometimes I'm a bit of an angry writer. In this case, apparently I was too angry. Thusly, this post has been somewhat edited for content in order to abide by ProU's Terms of Service. If you'd like to see the original post, you can find it here, in my more personal blog. Also, for the sake of posterity, I've marked the edits using asterisks. Anyone that's read the original post will notice some pretty drastic differences.]

I am just so, so fed up. I'm sick and tired of this nonsense, and I don't want to deal with it anymore. What's more, I know other people out there feel the same way.

That's right, my friends. I'm talking about the fact that apparently...spelling things correctly and using appropriate grammar is now the eighth deadly sin.

Now I don't know about the rest of you, but personally I get extremely annoyed when I'm reading someone's post, regardless of the content, and every other word is completely butchered. If someone can't master the language they were taught from the time they started talking, they have no business sharing their opinions with the world. *First Amendment occasionally protects our freedom of speech, though, so those people can say whatever they want! Nothing could be better!*

People complain that there's no spell check? They could type up their post in MS Word or another word-processing program that does have a spell checker, *but of course I wouldn't want to offend anyone, because obviously the best way to fix something is to coddle the perpetrator. Wouldn't want them to be offended...if they can even spell "offended"*! Or how about if they actually pay attention in school? English isn't even my first language and I can spell most things correctly, and if I don't know how to spell something I at least have the decency to look it up! I mean, geez, is it that difficult to spend an extra second typing that elusive word into Google so that they don't look *foolish* to anyone that reads the *innocently naive balderdash* they think is worth sharing with the rest of us?

For that matter, if they don't know how to spell a word and they refuse to do those of us that aren't quite as *silly* the favor of checking the correct spelling, they have no business using that word. Recent offenders include: *well hey, find your own examples! It's not like it's difficult! Just, you know... don't mention them Anywhere. You never know when one of these lost children of the English language might be lurking, and if they recognize the error as their own, they might be unhappy...and the last thing I want is for anyone to ever be unhappy, anywhere. Let's all just hold hands and be happy, happy, happy. After all, what better way to promote progress than by ignoring fundamental problems for the sake of political correctness? I sure can't think of one!* Next time I would perhaps use a word I was more familiar with, less chance of looking like a *child that was left behind* that way.

I don't even know who to hold responsible for this plague of idiocy. Is it the public school system? I'm a product of that system and as far as I can tell, I'm not a *cheeky monkey* that tries to bandy around words like "coincidence" while spelling them with a Q so I'm sure that's not it. Is it that most Americans are brainwashed zombies that could give a rat's ass about their intellectual capacity as long as they have a shiny SUV in their driveway and a big-screen TV in their living room? Maybe, but most of my friends are natural-born and they're not *cheeky monkeys*, so that's probably not it either. Is it because most people are just too stupid to give a *something that comes out of your bottom after you eat* in general? Really, somebody help me out here, 'cause I'm at my wit's end regarding this issue.

While we're on the subject of *people that aren't as smart as they wish they were*, is it really that difficult to hit that apostrophe key when they're using a contraction or a possessive? And why, for the sake of all that is holy and good in the world, why do they try to make up for their ignorance of basic (BASIC! we're not even talking about dangling participles here!) grammar rules by sticking an apostrophe between the word and the letter S in something that's plural?

Are they going to get leprosy and start losing their fingers if they use them to insert a comma where it's appropriate? Does the thought of using a period fill them with fear and anxiety? Is the judicious use of punctuation in general going to make them seem "uncool" to the neighborhood kiddies? Because, I mean, if they're going to look uncool then don't worry about it. Wouldn't want to tarnish their reputation as the cool kids. Nope. For that matter, let's forget about using question marks. Using them really makes too much sense. No, instead let's abandon any and all forms of punctuation except for that favorite of *people that like to exaggerate* everywhere--the exclamation point.

Perhaps even worse than the spelling skills of a *kindergartener* and the grammar knowledge of an *"English as a second language" student* is the god-forsaken internet abbreviation lingo.^ Now, yes, sometimes I do indulge in the occasional "brb" but that's usually because I'm about to pee my pants and if I don't run to the bathroom at that exact moment I will mess myself, so I simply don't have the patience to type out "be right back"as I furiously will my bladder to hold it in. Sorry, that may have been a bit graphic. Anyway, yes, some online abbreviations have their place...but as these people are idly sitting in front of their computers, switching between inane conversations with friends (that might be even stupider than they are) and the latest Fall Out Boy video on MTV, so they're clearly in no rush...why must they abbreviate absolutely everything? Are the two "extra" letters in words like "you" and "are" just soooo far out of the way that they simply can't be bothered to use them? Is adding the W on the end of the word "know" beyond their intellectual capability? For that matter, stop using numbers for words! They have seperate designations for a reason, *you silly goose*. They're probably the same people that don't use the turn signal while they're driving 'cause moving their finger that extra inch to the switch is way too difficult. *Those rascals.*

Oh, and speaking of being too lazy to hit a certain key...I'm only going to say this once, and I'm going to put it in a format that maybe those people I'm addressing will understand:

TURN OFF CAPS LOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh. No one wants to read the all-caps *hooey*, they can't spell, they wouldn't know a properly punctuated sentence if it *appeared in some literature that they happened to be reading. My guess, however, is that these people rarely read.* Anyone *uninformed* enough to type in all caps is probably saying something completely ridiculous anyway. News flash: not all attention is good attention. Using all caps doesn't make me want to read the written diarrhea on the screen in front of me. All it does is make me want to find out who these people are, where they live, and *give them a consoling pat on the back. After all, they just can't help it*. I bet Terri Schiavo had more brain activity than *these poor unfortunate souls that are clearly not at fault for their own shortcoming, so let's just be extra-politically correct and treat these people like they're on the same level as the greatest minds of our times. We wouldn't want anyone to get their feelings hurt. That would just suck.*

Okay, that's probably enough ranting. I know I feel better, and I hope we've all learned a valuable lesson.^^

^Also known as text-speak. Even more appaling? Now the mass stupidity is being condoned. The only, and I really mean only time text-speak is okay with me is if you're that cute little girl from the Cingular commercial saying "idk...my bff jill?" Otherwise, *gosh, I don't know what to tell you. You can't be blamed for choosing to butcher the language that has been used to write some of the greatest literary works known to man, can you? Go ahead, carry on! While you're at it, have lots of children and teach them your ways! That'll definitely make the world a better place!*

^^Just in case you're one of those people with an IQ of around 80--hello, Mr. President--and you didn't get what the lesson is, it's very simple--*I'm not a nice person, and I should be reprimanded for expressing myself, while other people can write about how God hates gay people, how women deserve to be controlled by men, how killing civilians in other countries is okay because they look different than us, and how poor people just got what's coming to them with no repercussions.*

[Hooray for free speech everywhere!]