Is Liposuction Covered by Insurance?

July 2000:

We are on vacation in Hawaii. We get there at night, and while driving to the hotel, I look out the window and am so excited and awed by the scent of flowers, the dark ocean at night, and the fact that people actually LIVE here. The next morning, we go to the beach. My swimsuit is modest, but not prudish. I am only 11. I look around, notice the perfectly toned and trimmed bodies of the other girls on the beach. The tiny waist, the clear skin, the shiny hair. I sit on the sand and cover up with a towel. The next time my family goes to the beach for the day, I stay behind in the hotel room. I would rather face a day of loneliness than another one out there.

A word of advice:

If you have 13 unheard voice mails, do not decide that checking them right before you leave for class is a good idea. It will inevitably get you caught in a surge of traffic due to construction, and you will be late for your 3 hour science lab.

I feel like crap. It was an okay day, and I felt really, really good after going to the gym. Now, this may be completely normal: When one exercises, the body releases endorphins, as we all know. It makes you feel good blah blah. But I'm thinking that I felt better because part of me was thinking "Okay....you worked out. You're skinnier than you were this morning! Yay!"

So there I was, hopped up on endorphins/adrenaline/the exercise bulimia high, and I get out of the shower. I wrap a towel around myself, and reach up to get my basket of beauty products (yes, they require a basket). And I catch a glimpse of my arm in the mirror.

IT IS HUGE.

Oh my fucking Lord. Seriously....how did that GET there?! Why is this happening?!?

I think I need to go clothes shopping. People have said it will make me feel better. And I think it will. But then again I also think it will make me feel like shit. The dressing rooms, the sizes....

GOOD LORD! I just thought of something. Today, in my lab, a girl who's in the Monday class came in to make up a lab she missed. And she asked if she could work in my group. Why, yes, I said, of course (I didn't really say that....I'm not socially awkward). But holy shit....when this girl turned to the side, SHE DISAPPEARED! She was SO skinny that.....I can't even explain this. I had to hold myself back from asking "Are you fucking anorexic?! Eat something, you bitch, and learn how to identify your own fucking rocks."

It's a geology lab, if you were wondering.

You know how when you buy a certain car, and all of a sudden, it seems like you see the SAME car everywhere you go?? That's how it is with skinny bitches. They must have always existed, but now I have like radar for them.

"ALERT: 00-SIZE JEANS WALKING UP AHEAD."

I'm thinking about straightening my hair again. It looks like shit. Problem is, I left my straightener in Wisconsin, thinking "I'm never doing that shit again!!"

Bad move.

If I make it through today, it will be 6 days with no bingeing or purging. I'm scared to get excited about this. I don't want to celebrate, don't want to congratulate myself, don't even necessarily like telling people this. Because, the way I see it, it's just a matter of time. That night will come where I think "Fuck it."

Looking at my yearbook the other day reminded me that I used to be normal. I had friends, I was involved, and the only thing I got reprimanded for was talking too much.

In the shower today, I was playing "What's the Worst Eating Disorder?" game in my head for some reason. At first, I was like "Oh, definitely bulimia. Definitely." But then, I thought "Hmmm....anorexia was pretty bad too. All those excuses to people. All the freaking out OHMYGODNOGETMEOUTOFTHIS when I had to eat at a restaurant." Each one has body image issues. It is literally the worst thing I could wish upon someone. I'm even scared to have kids, given that they've found a biological component and people with family members who have an eating disorder are more likely to get one themselves.

Thanks, cousin Renee.

Just kidding. I've never even met her. My, what a close family we have, huh?

A positive note: I AM ADDICTED TO "FRIENDS". Seriously. I never really got the appeal of it before, but now, watching it with my mom (be jealous!), it is....FUNNY. I never usually laugh out loud at stuff on TV or whatever, but this just cracks me up! I totally understand now.

I kind of feel better now. Writing what's going on in my crazy head helps. The only thing I really have right now is my writing. Without it, I think I would go insane. It doesn't even matter if people read it or not (though if I knew for a fact that absolutely NO ONE could read it, I'd be a lot more explicit. And name names).

I miss everyone back home.

Hopefully one day, I can look back at these writings and think "Damn, how could I ever BE like that?" If I was normal before, then I can be normal again.

Right?