Everyone has secrets. It's a fact of life. Whether you keep the secret from your friends, your family, your significant other, your teachers, your colleagues... it's a secret one way or the other. But what if you feel as though you can't share these secrets?
I know some people here on the site know what this is like. Whether it be about hiding your sexual orientation or your religion (or lack thereof), or even hiding who you love... it's all the same in the end. You're hiding a part of you, whether it be because you want to be accepted, or because you're ashamed, or whatever.
To explain this, I'll use myself as an example. My secret will not be a surprise to anyone here on ProgressiveU who really knows me, but it would shock a good number of my friends in real life. You see, I went to college in Colorado Springs, CO. Home of New Life Church. Surely you've heard of it... there was a scandal not too long ago involving the founder, Ted Haggard, and another man. It is the ultimate evangelical church.
And a good number of my friends are members of it. One of my newest friends, the one who is moving away to Washington DC for medical school, actually went on a few missions trips. At her going away party, several of her other friends started talking about their missions trips, how they spread the word of Jesus all through Africa. My inner self was screaming in indignation, but I kept quiet. My roommate in my first year of college was another one. She had gone on missions trips to Japan. All in all, they're pretty devote Christians.
So, how do I tell these people that despite what they assume, I'm not Christian? I mean, with some of my friends, it's ok... they're Christians themselves, but are either fascinated by other religions (as one of my friends showed when he commented on my Star of David necklace), or they just don't care. They aren't active Christians and just accept people for who they are.
I'm sure I know what some of you are thinking: if you can't tell them everything, then they're not your true friends. If they can't accept all of you, then they're not your friends. Etc. Etc.
In some ways, I agree. But in others... I'm not so sure. I mean, my Washington DC friend and I talked four hours the night of her going away party. It's something that I haven't really done with anyone, not even my mother or some of my closest friends, in ages. And it felt so good to do. How can I say she's not my friend if she does that, and yet I'm afraid of her reaction when I say I'm not Christian?
But, this blog isn't about me. Not really. Someone I consider a... friend told me something today. It shocked me, mostly because of how close we were. And I was the first person he had told, beyond the person he's sorta in a relationship with. He belongs to a rather conservative, but not extremely so, religious group. He feels that he can't tell his friends for that reason. Nor could he really tell his family.
So, in order to be happy, he has to hide a part of himself. But, in order to be happy, he has to indulge in that part too, at least for the time being.
I hate to see things like this happen, even more so when the affect the people I deeply care about. People shouldn't have to hide any parts of themselves, but society tends to dictate a lot. I doubt any of you would look at your neighbor the same way if he or she said he or she had fantasies about children. Anything that deviates from the perceived normal is unacceptable.
What's a person to do?
Wow. What a dilemma. I truly feel that I can't give advise on this. I mean, I'm usually of the persuasion that says, "If your friends can't accept everything about you, they aren't really your friends", but there seems to be some cases where this isn't really accurate. I'd say maybe you should give yourself the time to think about this and decide if you really want to share this with those friends. And who knows? They could be perfectly fine with what religion you claim (Judaism, right?).
And about those mission trips....inside I'd be screaming in indignation too. That whole "don't force your religion on other people" thing is what I'm all about.
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This is a signature, an automated thingy that pops up when I comment, not a demand to see my blog!
Mind Control is Easier Than You Think
Yeah, I'm pursuing Judaism. I still have a few reservations, but the only way to get past those is to dive in, I guess.
But this post actually wasn't about me, believe it or not. My friend didn't want to tell me about his secret, even though I know more about him than anyone, or so I'd like to think. That scares me a little, and makes me wonder about the state of our world and the tolerance we seek.
Religion just seemed a good way to dive into it, because it's something I personally experienced, and is a secret I'm actually willing to share with some (though obviously not all, as was shown in the blog).
~C
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It is very hard to even tell a true friend something very secret and personal. I think it is the fear of someone looking at you differently even if you have known them forever. Things sometimes do change when you tell even a best friend that. Sometimes it is a risk you have to take though. The reason I say this is it was very hard for me to live with many of my secrets I have had.
It was hard for me to tell everyone that I can't conform to a religion even though I have faith that there is a higher power.
Thanks for sharing this though and good post
http://www.progressiveu.org/032913-lupus-uncureable-wait-what
Love comments? I do too!
I can so relate to this post, as you might imagine. In my case, the piece I was hiding was such a big portion of my life that I couldn't in any way be happy with it hidden. I couldn't have a relationship, had to keep my gay friends separate from my straight friends, couldn't ever tell my family what I had been up to lately, etc. It was just too much to hide.
I know the post isn't ultimately about you, but in your case, faith is very personal, and you may not HAVE to tell your friends. Faith affects every aspect of your life, but in a quieter way than, say, having a same-sex partner. ;) The problem with evangelicals as friends is that they will make it an issue. You will have to decide if you want to actively or passively hide it. Actively hiding it is basically lying. You are well within your rights to do so, but you have to ask yourself how comfortable you are with it.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
He he... it's really weird. Someone I vaguely alluded to in this post (not the subject... another person) actually found this post and read it last night and ended up sending me a really long message that ended in us agreeing to get together and just talk sometime this fall.
~C
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To put yourself in experiencing a change in communication will make you grow even more as a person and friend, to mind who you might lose in doing so will eventually fade if any response doesn’t match the truth you hold about yourself.
Go for it…
It is said,
But what if you feel as though you can't share these secrets?
It really just depends on what you want to get out of writing. It seems to me that the whole point of a memoir is to put yourself onto the paper. If you don't feel like you can "tell it like it is," then maybe writing a memoir isn't the right choice for your project. One of the things that differentiates a great memoir from a mediorcre one is the level of frankness and honest of the author. A lie of ommission is still a lie, and if you don't telling the brutal and naked truth, then what you write might make a good story, but it won't make a great one.
TTFN,
Blackout
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Yes, I've changed my username from "percivale" to "Blackout." Go here if you want to know why.
My question really has nothing to do with my memoir. It was just a way to relate my question to what I'm doing now. This blog, as I say again, is not about me, and most certainly not about my memoir (one of my past blogs is). It's about being able to tell your friends who you are without fear, and how some people I know are unable to do that.
And my memoir isn't going to be published. At least, not anytime in the forseeable future. There is only one person I would allow to read my memoir in its entirety, and if I did choose to publish it, I would most certainly change some minor details, such as the names of some of the people I discuss in it, because it isn't my place to talk about their private lives, even if it relates to me.
~C
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I have seen authors do this I am reviewing a book that has been based in that manner.I see where people change things. This is what got the controversy over peyton place so heated. A guy wrote a book and changed some names in order to hide the people.
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