So last night I had a little nervous breakdown....or maybe a panic attack is a better description...
It wasn't nearly as bad as the time I was working in a restaurant and I realized I could no longer hear anything anyone was saying, because I was so stressed out..I lost all ability to do my job and ran crying from the restaurant. Later, I went back to apologize and see if the job could be salvaged, but I was fired.
It wasn't like I could breathe or anything; I've had those kinds of chaotic attacks as well..they can be really frightening. No, this was more like irrational terror, coupled with insomnia and a need to call my folks at 2:30 in the morning; 5:30 their time.
I knew I was headed in that direction..what with all the twenty-four hour shifts I've been taking at the domestic violence shelter I've been working at, all the homework, not just from this semester, but "redo" work from other semesters, meeting with a tutor, nannying, helping start a Woman's Health Collective, and helping with Earth First! I've been literally squeezing as much as possible out of each day, and it has caught up with me. I've been feeling both physically and emotionally terrible, and I have no energy to put into any of the projects I've been trying to help with; so I'm not really getting anything done while simultaneously exhausting myself.
So I called in sick to work today; and then, after getting up at noon, went to the park to watch kids feeding the ducks. It felt like such a relief to just be hanging out on a Sunday afternoon, doing what most people do with their Sundays. A squirrel came up to me and started begging for food; the squirrels in Laurelhurst park are relatively tame because people feed them. So this little guy was jumping around on his back legs, begging like a dog...it was amazing! I saw a mom with two little savages feeding the ducks bread; I went and asked for some to give the squirrel. I fed the squirrel right out of my hand..it was thrilling, even though the brain chatter I was experiencing was saying "we've made co-dependent wildlife..."
I sat down on a bench and called my supervisor at the Salvation Army and told her I quit...
After that, I sauntered over to my friend and neighbor Theressa's house. She and Norris are the beekeepers/urban farmers/rewilders I keep talking about...they are pretty awesome! Theressa had seen me walking up the street earlier and could tell I needed to seriously talk with someone; she invited me to sit and have tea and cheese and dates and chips on her porch and watch her cutting up wild mushrooms. I spilled everything that was bothering me to her; I told her about my crazy mom who could hear God in her head telling her that the end of the world was nigh and we needed to make an apple orchard to save hordes of hungry people (this plan fell through pretty miserably, about 90 percent of the orchard died because the land we purchased wasn't in good apple country...), I told her about the stress of dealing with homeless women, with domestic violence. I told her about my fears of natural disasters and the plummeting economy and all the other chaos going on in the world at the moment. Mostly, I talked with her about the need to pay rent and have enough to eat without working in an environment that feels dangerous, stressful and unhealthy...we brainstormed about the sort of work I should do next. She said she had a neighbor with several small children and thought I should do more nannying...I eagerly agreed.
We sat in silence for a while, sipping tea and watching storm clouds rolling in. Norris was in the yard, happily weeding and moving plants around and doing other little Urban Farm tasks...Norris is happiest playing with plants. Norris started listing plants I could take home with me if I wanted; Theressa and I walked around the yard, gathering things, ground cherries, bear berry bush, tomatoes, comfrey, dried raspberry leaves.....
Now I'm home and I feel gloomy...once again, it feels like I'm less of an adult then I'd like to believe...I can't seem to stay with a job, no matter what...
I'm going to Earth First! and hopefully that cheers me up...
love ya,
Carrot
Anyway,
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Sounds like you've overloaded yourself. Glad to hear you quit something then. It's hard to say no to good stuff that you're doing, but you have to have time to just be you and relax too. Don't forget to feed the squirrels every once and a while.
Oh and is that a reference to Old Crow Medicine Show that I see!?
www.progressiveu.org/blog/americangirlinchina
I was listening to the song Wagon Wheel when I wrote this article! It seemed appropriate, I felt like I needed a momma's strong arms to rock me at that moment...
Love ya,
Carrot
Your foster-daughter is adorable! What a cutie!
Yah, she's cute, especially because she's asleep right now and not destroying the apartment...
And you're awesome for listening to Wagon Wheel. I love that song. I lived in Raleigh and love where I grew up in the Mountains of Western NC. I even danced (second or third dance with my hubby) to Wagon Wheel at my wedding.
www.progressiveu.org/blog/americangirlinchina
Alot of people used to think I was crazy and that it was all in my head. I will have one for no logical reason or if I am under alot of stress. I agree with AmericanGirlinChina I think you overloaded yourself. This is why it is nice to kick back and look at how beautiful nature can be, and how wonderful animals are. It is great therapy I'm glad you did that.
Just try to breathe and chill alittle bit. Don't over do it, you will only run your body down even more causing more anxiety. I hope you will be ok everything will work out. just hang in there!
http://www.progressiveu.org/032913-lupus-uncureable-wait-what
Love comments? I do too!