“Good-bye, baby, I love you,” I say to my little girl as she runs out the door. I see her run up to him, excitement in her eyes as she asks him questions about what’s going on at his house.
My oldest grabs her things and kisses my cheek and runs to the Explorer.
I can’t stand to see them leave. I hate to think of all the horrible possibilities that run through my mind when they are not here with me and my wife. Those are our babies, damn it! We’re the one’s that take care of them day in and day out. We fight with them to get them in the bathtub when they don’t want to take a bath. We’re the ones that deal with the teacher’s complaints when our oldest, Venieta, isn’t on task and doing the work that she needs to do. We’re the ones the deal with Jamie’s attitude problem and her strange and demented point of view (she’s a lot to handle and that’s a whole different story). We’re the ones that provide for them. We make sure they have food, clothes, shelter, toys, and any thing else they need. We’re the ones that practiced cheers with Venieta when she was in junior cheerleading. We’re the ones that hid the Scream tape from Jamie when she told the third person that she was going to gut them like a fish (and she was only 4). We give them quality time and attention and read to them everyday. We take care of them the best, plain and simple, but there is nothing I can do about it.
My heart drops to the floor as she grabs his hand and yells, “Come on, Dad, let’s go!” My little Jamie isn’t usually excited about going to her dad’s house on the weekend, but she knows that her sister is going to be there this weekend. Her baby sister, Natalie is only a couple of months old and Jamie never get’s to see the baby since Natalie lives with her mom (a result of casual sex, but still a gift from God nonetheless). I’m used to Venieta wanting to be at her dad’s house, but not so much with Jamie. SHE’S MINE!!! HE CAN’T HAVE HER!!! But there she goes.
I have a special bond with Jamie. She’s five years old and I’ve been raising her since before she was two. She doesn’t have any memory of ever living with her real dad. Since I’ve raised her, she acts a lot like me. I’ve nurtured her intellect and fed into her moods and altercations she has just so she can get the negative attention. I don’t care about her DNA; she’s my daughter in my heart. I feel it with every beat. I love her so much that it tears me apart that I have to share her with her dad. Especially when I know that I’m her dad in her heart as well.
I can’t stand when she wants to go to his house. I hate it when he thinks that he should have more of say than me when it comes to the decisions in her life just because they share chromosomes. He’s not her parent. He may be her father, but he doesn’t have this whole parenting thing down. I hate it when he thinks that way about Venieta as well. I raise these kids, but I’m supposed to sit on the sidelines while he and my wife make all the decisions. It’s not right. It’s an injustice. Something has got to be done about this.
Over 50% of marriages end up in divorce and most of them remarry. The whole structure of the family is changing now that cohabiting is the preferred choice of most couples. It’s been estimated that about one third of all children live with a step parent. Of those, 90% live with their mom and a step-dad. Most step parents don’t take as active a role in their step-children’s lives or don’t have that strong of a loving connection so they keep their distance when parenting and raising the children is concerned. I’m not one of those step-parents!!!
When I started dating Brandy, who is now my wife, I knew that she came with a history, a past, and two children. I came into their lives and homes and I took them into my heart. I love these children as if they were my own. I take the job of being a parent very seriously, even to my step-children. I now have a son, and my wife told me that she thought my jealousy would end when I had a biological child of my own, but it didn’t. Having my son didn’t change how much I loved Jamie and Venieta. If anything, it made me love them more for whom they are; for whom they are to me.
Although I have a stronger connection to Jamie, I still love Venieta as well. I’ve seen her fight so hard for her dad’s time and attention. It breaks my heart to see her disappointed and hurt because her dad chose to go party for the weekend instead of come and pick them up like he promised her he would. That was another promise broken. She hold’s him up on a pedestal. He’s her idol. She’s his fan club. Although she worships her dad, she still sees him for the way he is. I’ve sat back and watched him break her heart because he can’t seem to make time in his life to be her dad.
So with all that in mind about my life, I pose a question. Do you think that children living in a two parent home with both biological parents are better for children? All the research I’ve read has pointed to that. Research tells us that children of divorce or separated parents are more likely to drop out of high school, have a child too early, have emotional and behavioral issues, and be at a higher risk of abuse.
Why?
Why does it have to be like that? Even children living with cohabiting parents (both biological but not married) are still more likely to have problems then if they lived with married, biological parents.
I know in my heart that I’m a better parent than my children’s biological father. I know that I will be there to provide structure, support, and guidance that he doesn’t know how to give. I’m smarter and I constantly challenge myself to become a better parent everyday. I know he doesn’t do that. He ignores these children when they are at his house. Even before he broke up with Brandy he always put his needs and wants before his children’s. He didn’t take an active role in their life. He was just there. Taking all that into consideration it is hard for me to believe that our kids would still be better off if they were living with both of their biological parents.
But I’m living it. Venieta has ADHD and behavioral problems at school and has fallen way behind because of it. Jamie is very bright, but she can be considered a wild child. She’s too much for anyone else but me or her mom to handle. Even my son is hyperactive, but he is only two and I think that’s how most two year old boys are. Are all these problems we have due to Brandy not living with their father? These statistics don’t read what’s in the human heart, just in society’s behavior. But is love enough to heal the damage that’s already been done?
Are our children tossed around just like a football?? I want to know, with all odds against us, if we can score the winning touchdown. But who wins: their dad or me?
It should be about the children. But how do you make it work?
Step families are becoming the norm. There’s even a National Step Family Day recognized on September 16th. It’s not sanctioned by the United States government to make it an official holiday, but step families all around the world celebrate this day in order to recognize their unity and strength in the midst of adversity.
No wonder they have National Step Family Day because 52-62% of first marriages will end in divorce and 75% of divorced parents will remarry. Of all the marriages out there 43% of them are a remarriage. But hold onto your pants, one out of every two marriages will still end in divorce. Well, then the whole cycle starts all over again. WHERE DOES THE MADNESS END!!!
Not there!
When 65% of all remarriages involve children from a prior marriage, no wonder being a step parent is becoming more and more common. Sadder yet is 60% of all remarriages will eventually end in divorce. I haven’t found any statistics to prove it, but most of these divorces end due to problems with the children or the biological parents versus the step parent. The children can be bliss to some marriages, or the burden that breaks the marriage apart. Being in that situation and having to deal with 2 households and an absentee parent, I can see how some people can’t handle it.
It’s hard dealing with it. Knowing that at any moment you may make the wrong decision when the children are concerned tears families apart. Disagreements in custody and parental duties add to the stress of an already difficult situation. Children in the middle of ugly divorces and terrible custody arrangements can seriously affect them. These are supposed to be their parents who love each other and love them, but all they see is hatred and dispute.
But I refuse to let that stop me. Our situation may not be hostile, but we have our problems, obviously.
I was a step-dad before I was a dad, biologically anyways. I’m going to do my best to beat the odds and help my kids live up to their potential, no matter what the statistics say.
Wish me luck!
I think it's sad that so many marriages end up in divorce. Especially when children are involved. I've seen divorce with my own eyes, a nasty divorce at that, and I have resolved that once I have kids, I am going to do anything I can to keep divorce out of the question. I do not want to put my children through the hell that I've seen.
I love that you're so involved with your children. I am only 18, but I am a step-child, and while my family situation is slightly different than yours, I can recognize that you truly love your girls. My situation is a little more complex. My parents divorced soon after I was born, and I've never actually met my biological father face-to-face. When I was three, my step-dad came along, and took me in like his own child. He and my mom had two other kids, and we were like a normal family until a little over two years ago, when my mom and step-dad divorced. Now my brother, my sister and I live with my step-dad, who is their biological dad. He has never, ever treated me like anything less than a daughter, and I can never thank him enough for that, because without him, I wouldn't have had a male figure in my life. I wouldn't even know how to thank him, honestly, because the words "thank you" just don't cover it. I am sure your step-daughters feel the same, whether they show it or not. They're just glad when they get to see their father, because they don't see him as often. Children don't always show their appreciation for the things that mean the most to them.
My sister though, seems to have anger management problems, which I personally think stem from not having our mother around. We're all glad when we get to see her, but being the oldest child, I'm starting to see that she's not such a great role-model for us to be around. Hopefully, my being around, at least until I go to college in a few months, will help my sister a little bit.
I hope the best for your family, and speaking as a step-child, you're doing a wonderful thing, being there for your girls.
Thank you. You don't know how much your wonderful comment means to me. I am also a step-child. But my mom didn't get remarried until I was already 22, so he's not a dad to me. I didn't see my real father for ten years and then when he came back into my life, I didn't want to have anything to do with him. Now that I have kids, I'm starting to be more involve in his life and allow him to be in my kids' lives. He knows he screwed up and he's trying his hardest to make up for it.
It's crazy that I'm from a broken home, my family was created because of a broken home, but my mother's parents were together until they died. I am hoping that the next generation does more to prevent divorce seeing what it's done to the last two generations. I feel exactly like you do. Now that I'm married I'm going to make it work, no matter what. I believe that marriage is meant for a lifetime. I've chose the person I'm going to live my life with and I couldn't be happer.
http://progressiveu.org/113900-the-fallacy-of-marriage
We need to fix relationships in order to fix families!!!
I'm so glad that you have someone in your life that was there for you. It's hard growing up without a positive male model in your life, believe me, I know firsthand. I'm going to be there for my girls and hopefully they'll be better off because their real father will be there (in some way or another) for them as well.
Good luck. I hope life brings you happiness. If you can't have happiness, hope for wisdom.
I have never failed. I have successfully discovered 10,000 ideas that don't work.
-Thomas Edison
http://www.progressiveu.org/090204-dont-miss-this-chance
Wow. I am happy for your reunion with your dad. Now that you both understand each other, you understand your kids too. I hope all goes well.
DISCLAIMER: I am not being rude. I'm stating my opinion. No personal attacks are meant. Please give some leniency on how you take my words. imagine me saying them with a smile. ^__^
http://www.progressiveu.org/090204-dont-miss-this-chance
I am sorry that this is hard for you. But imagine how hard it is for all sides of the story. I am sure that the daughter isn't having it too easy either.
DISCLAIMER: I am not being rude. I'm stating my opinion. No personal attacks are meant. Please give some leniency on how you take my words. imagine me saying them with a smile. ^__^
It was a long entry, but well worth the read.
There's a quote from my fave TV show that really works here. "Anybody can be a father, but it takes someone really special to be a dad."
I think there should be a certain line drawn when it comes to the "Who's the real parent?" issue. A biological parent is not necessarily the best choice for a child. I should know. My mom has never been a mom to me, but I've had plenty of friend's moms who were willing to help out.
Here's me wishing you luck. You won't be needing it, but the moral support is still good!
Thank you very much. I'm sorry that your mom wasn't there for you. My mom was there for me growing up, for the most part, but she's not really there for me now. I'm grown up and have kids of my own, and now she seems to be seperating herself from me and my family.
I'm just the opposite. My family values are stronger and I want her around more than she is. I want my kids to know her and love her, but it's pointless. Sometimes I wish she would take her head out of her husband's ass and pay attention to the world around her, but that may be a little too much to ask for from her.
You could always use a little luck in life. Thanks again for your nice comment.
I have never failed. I have successfully discovered 10,000 ideas that don't work.
-Thomas Edison
"Having my son didn’t change how much I loved Jamie and Venieta. If anything, it made me love them more for whom they are; for whom they are to me."
That sounds reasonable to me, because having a biological son of your own would have had the opposite effect if it was merely a case of jealousy regarding the not having a child of your own.
"She hold’s him up on a pedestal. He’s her idol."
It's far easier to be a child's idol when you aren't the one who has to discipline them. It's far easier to humour their tantrums with a smile when you rarely have to deal with them. Also, if a child only sees you once in a while, it becomes far easier to give them special attention and buy them treats, because kids get this special treatment from their 'weekend-dad' every time they see him, they associate him with being a fun person who buys them treats and treats them special all the time, as opposed to the sporadic occasions on which they get to see him. Kids don't really see the big picture, so they don't understand that if they saw him as much as they saw the parents who raise them, 'weekend-dad's' tolerance and gift giving would quickly erode .
They don't realise that if they were with their 'weekend-dad' full time, they would actually get less treats and special treatment than they do from you. They are just too young to realise that if that wasn't the case, he'd be around them all the time, regardless of his relationship with their mother, I don't mean still married, just that he would be ever present in their lives. It's just far easier to be a part-time hero when the going is good and while there is a safety net to lob the child into when it gets tricky, than a full-time one who has to try and be heroic even when they are driving you insane and the part timer is waving gifts and promising to cut them the slack that their parents apparently won't.
It's like I said to a friend of mine when she asked me to babysit for her:
"I have no problem minding your kid, but I'll feed them all the candy they want, I'll let them do whatever it takes to stop her from throwing a tantrum and whatever it takes for them to think I'm 'so-cool', which will include arming them with swear words, telling them tales of how I used to stick it to teachers when I was their age and jokes designed to make parents weep. If you have a no problems with me handing your kid back, all sugared-up, swearing like a trooper and wondering why they can't do whatever they want at home, by all means drop her off. If that represents an issue for you, then you might want to find a more responsible adult to insure the well being of your child."
This was an honest appraissal of what she could expect from me as a babysitter. I'm in my mid twenties, I've got no kids, and if I wanted to take care of other peoples kids, I'd have had my own by now. If I'm refraining from having kids until I feel responsible to raise one in a responsible fashion. So why would I extend a courtesy to other peoples kids that I wouldn't to my own, if I had some at this stage in my life?
The big difference here is that I am a single man who has made a conscious decision not to write a cheque that I have no intention of cashing, not a guy who wrote the cheque and then let somebody else pick up the payment while enjoying the fruits of what the cheque produced.
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I am the people my mother warned me about.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/tuffgong
TUFFGONG
Senior Executive Administrator™
I loved your comment. You seem to have a pretty good understanding of step families and the "week-end dad." Did you yourself have step parents?
We've actually had different talks with our oldest, Venieta, about living with her dad. We Brandy and their father broke up Venieta wanted to go live with him because every time she went with him, which wasn't even a week-end thing it was more like a monthly thing, they would go somewhere fun like an amusement park, or a regular park, or the science center, or some other activity. When we asked her what she thought it would be like there, that's what she described. She actually thought that was what it would be like on a daily basis.
Now, 3 and a half years later, her dad asked her if she would like to come live with him. She wants to for petty reasons like they don't make her do tough chores, they don't moniter her homework so she won't have to do it like she does at our house, and she would get more attention from her dad because she would be his biological child in that house and he, unlike me, does not have a connection with his step-children. I don't even think he likes them (neither do I, they are devil spawn brought to earth).
I like your babysitting scenario. It's so true to the way things are with other people's kids. I don't expect other people to treat my kids like I do, because that's to much to ask. I have descipline because I'm the parent. So many times my kids have said to me, "My dad let's me," or "I could if I was at grandma's house." My answers are to same every time. "I'm not your dad," or "This isn't grandma's house, this is my house." They don't try to use that line on me anymore because they know it's useless.
I have never failed. I have successfully discovered 10,000 ideas that don't work.
-Thomas Edison
"Did you yourself have step parents?"
No, but plenty of my friends grew up with useless and absent biological fathers, and my God-daughter's biological father is a shameful coward who pops up every three years with gifts and then fucks off again as soon as he's eased his somewhat questionable conscience. I have never been romanitically involved with my God-daughter's mother, she's just a good friend of mine, but I was the one who brought her to the hospital and who waited outside while she was in labour. The father didn't do shit from the start, he couldn't even manage to make it to the hospital. I have a number of single mother friends and I have just met one too many poor excuses for a 'weekend-dad'.
"I don't even think he likes them (neither do I, they are devil spawn brought to earth)."
Hahaha, nice one ;)
_____________________________________________________________
I am the people my mother warned me about.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/tuffgong
TUFFGONG
Senior Executive Administrator™
"I have a number of single mother friends and I have just met one too many poor excuses for a 'weekend-dad'."
So do I! What has happend to men's idea of fatherhood that it has now become something that is disposable? They toss it aside, checking if off as if they has some sort of list.
Whining children gone. Check
No more diapers. Check
No more financial burdon. Check
No more responsibility. Check
Late nights and parties. Check
Parenthood gone. Check, check!!!
What's wrong with this picture? Everything! I will give credit where credit is due. My wife's baby daddy pays his child support on time. He does still have something to do with his kids, so he hasn't chucked parenthood completely, but there are so many men out there that have. A couple years back the paper in my hometown printed a list of all the dead beat dads out there that don't pay their child support and the list was like five pages long. I mean if you're not going to be there to be the father to the child that you created, then at least have the decency to help out with some of the financial burdon!!
"and my God-daughter's biological father is a shameful coward who pops up every three years with gifts and then fucks off again as soon as he's eased his somewhat questionable conscience"
You described my wife's childhood completely. Her father was a biker and all throughout her childhood she would wait for him to show up...and it was about every three years. He would show up with gifts, give her and her friends rides on his motorcycle, and then tear off into the sunset on his Harley. This gave my wife just enough pride in her cool father to wait around for him for three years, pining for that attention. Looking back she can't stand herself for thinking he was so cool and so awsome. She seems him for the deadbeat that he is.
I have never failed. I have successfully discovered 10,000 ideas that don't work.
-Thomas Edison
http://www.progressiveu.org/090204-dont-miss-this-chance
thats a good point. All though, honestly if I was the stepdaughter I would hate to think that so many people are talking about me and trying to analyze my thoughts and behaviors behind my back.
DISCLAIMER: I am not being rude. I'm stating my opinion. No personal attacks are meant. Please give some leniency on how you take my words. imagine me saying them with a smile. ^__^
``So with all that in mind about my life, I pose a question. Do you think that children living in a two parent home with both biological parents are better for children?``
Not BECAUSE they are biologically related. There are other key factors that are far more important than whether the parents are biological. Those factors (such as having chosen to have a child on purpose and having the finances ready to raise the child} may be more common in some types of homes but those advantages are also absent in many bio homes and do exist in many ``non bio homes.`` (please excuse my use of this odd phrasing for lack of a better term.}
``All the research I’ve read has pointed to that. Research tells us that children of divorce or separated parents are more likely to drop out of high school, have a child too early, have emotional and behavioral issues, and be at a higher risk of abuse.``
Right. But, even though those kids are more likely to experience situations like unloving homes or financial difficulties, none of that is directly related to the parents being biologically related to them.
Children have a fine chance of doing well, all other things being equal, when raised by widows and widowers who loved their spouses, loving infertile couples using sperm donation (whether the couple is same or mixed sex} , loving adopting couples, etc.
It`s important to be mindful that the question you asked early in your blog about whether biologically related parents are better for children is not the same as the question you asked later about whether children of failed relationships tend to be worse off.
Being gay, I`m keenly aware that anti gay religious groups based in places like Colorado Springs and Tupelo, Mississippi, like to pretend that those studies say that bio parents are better, when in reality I`ve checked the studies they use, and they only show that children of unloving and unstable homes and failed relationships tend to have problems, while stable and loving homes of non bio parent combinations work out fine.
In your own situation, I think some of your kids` issues are likely exasperated by having started out with a parental relationship that was not working well, and maybe by having a bio dad who is not as responsible as he should be. But that doesn`t mean that the new situation is not the best that the present circumstances will permit.
I believe that you are a great influence on their life and if circumstances had been different and the bio dad had just been a sperm donor who had no conflict with their mom (and you`d been there from Day One}, then you wouldn`t be dealing with the aftermath of the bio dad`s mistakes.
I`m sure you`ll do great.
"Right. But, even though those kids are more likely to experience situations like unloving homes or financial difficulties, none of that is directly related to the parents being biologically related to them."
I tend to disagree with this statement. I have read several studies that link childrens behavior and their overall acheivement in life to 2 biological parents in the home. Finace doesn't have anything to with it, because children of lower income families compared to those of higher income don't face the same issues that children do when one parent is gone or they have a step-parent. No one seems to no why, but there is some sort of correlation to these children's success to having both biological, married parents in the home. Being married is important as well, because nowadays, people or cohabitating more and more over getting married. The children of these families are likely to have socioeconomic problems due to the instability of the relationship of their parents. Even if the cohabiting parents do eventually marry, studies show that it doesn't last long.
"Children have a fine chance of doing well, all other things being equal, when raised by widows and widowers who loved their spouses,"
You don't know how right you are. Children in this category of parents do the best out of all the broken home scenarios (i.e. divorce, co-habiting parents, step-families, etc.) I have wondered if these kids feel they have to work harder to compensate for their loss and make their living parent proud. It's not that high of a category since 90% of children reach adulthood with both parents living.
"I believe that you are a great influence on their life"
Thank you very much for this statement. It make's it easier to keep working hard at being the best parent I can be when someone out there notices just that...the hard work I put forth for children, although not biologically mine, I have now claimed as my own.
This is the site where I got alot of my information from on the different types of families:
http://www.clasp.org/publications/marriage_brief3_annotated.pdf
I have never failed. I have successfully discovered 10,000 ideas that don't work.
-Thomas Edison
Thanks for the link. I read the study, and, while I think it states a lot of factual general tendencies, it fails to subdivide the groups enough to ensure the results aren`t due to other factors which tend to be present more commonly in some subgroups than in others. It does mention some of these weaknesses but goes on to make some generalities that could be negated if the weaknesses were accounted for.
For example, just to illustrate what I mean... Let`s say I do a study of black families and white families, and I find that the black kids are more involved in crime. If I didn`t look at other factors, I might mistakenly conclude that there is something biological in being black that makes people more likely to commit crimes.
But what if, instead, I had looked at poverty rates. I might have found that rich whites and rich blacks have the same crime levels, middle class whites and blacks the same and impoverished blacks and whites the same. So the real reason might have to do with poverty, and the skin color is only a factor that is coincidental for a lot of people who have less money.
The study on families didn`t seem to look at adoptive families at all. If they had, they would have seen families where no one is biologically related but poverty tends to be low and marital success is probably high. I suspect it might have debunked the ``bio parents are better`` conclusions.
They also didn`t seem to subdivide single parents to see whether high income and poor single parents fare differently.
They assumed that most same sex couples with kids were divorced and referred to a different study saying those same sex couples were no less successful than the kids of divorced opposite sex parents. But that study could have shown more insight if it had subdivided divorced same sex parents to divorced opposite sex parents and married same sex parents to married opposite sex parents, and the same thing for those who had adopted and used non parents as sperm donors.
I would expect the subset of bio parents who have chosen to have kids on purpose to have no advantage over non bio parents because the relationship of the parents can be just as solid, finances are likley to be at least as solid, etc. This study didn`t look at kids born to two parents with a solid relationship wherein, for medical or other reasons, one or both parents is not biologically related to the kids.
So I think the tendencies stated in the study are true in the most general sense, but might easily be negated by other factors that weren`t calculated.
I do agree with you, but then where would you draw the line. The list of the factors could go on and on. I've never read such an extensive study, but maybe there is one and if there isn't there should be one. It would certainly be worth the read.
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"The bad thing is thinking you know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth because it makes you close-minded and dangerous."
http://www.progressiveu.org/090204-dont-miss-this-chance
honestly, why should you care so much? You are not her dad. Be nice, but don't try to change her. She knows you are not here dad and she won't accept your lectures and chastisement, as wholesome as they may be. First EARN favor and love from her, then as a friend you can offer advice.
DISCLAIMER: I am not being rude. I'm stating my opinion. No personal attacks are meant. Please give some leniency on how you take my words. imagine me saying them with a smile. ^__^
That's just it...I'm not her friend. I'm her father. I may not be her biological father, but I'm the man raising her. And that's just the reason why I care. In all aspects of my life, she is my child. I take care of her so therefore I care. I love her and I can't stop loving her just because she's not my child.
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"The bad thing is thinking you know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth because it makes you close-minded and dangerous."
I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. Not from the point of view of the parent but from the point of view of a child of divorced parents growing up in a home with my biological mother and my step-father.
I don't believe that it is always better for parents to stay together for their kids. If you're parents are unhappy together then it will make for a very unhappy home. My parents have been separated since I was about 1 and I've never had a strong relationship with my father. The only thing that I relate to him, like you said, is my DNA. He has never been there for my sister and me emotionally, financially, or physically. My step-father does not play a strong role in the rule making of the household but he has always been their to raise my sister and I. He has treated us like we are his children and has always been there to help us in any way. I love him more than I could ever love my father just because he sees us in a way that my father never has. He has taken two children into his life that are technically not his, and has accepted them as his own.
I understand how difficult is it to be that step-parent because you do have less authority but you feel as if those children are your own.
All I can say is that when you're two girls get older they will realize that what you have done for them is greater than anything their father has done for them. They will appreciate it so much more. I know I have.
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"Is it true, said Candide, that people in Paris are always laughing?"
-Voltaire
"All I can say is that when you're two girls get older they will realize that what you have done for them is greater than anything their father has done for them. They will appreciate it so much more. I know I have."
In my heart I know that this is true, but it's hard waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. I know they don't fully understand enough to appreciate me now, and someday they will. I can't wait for that day to come. Until then, I'm just going to be the best parent I can be, working hard to create successful members of society (hopefully)
Thanks for your understanding and support.
I have never failed. I have successfully discovered 10,000 ideas that don't work.
-Thomas Edison
http://www.progressiveu.org/090204-dont-miss-this-chance
To sum it up. Divorce is bad. Don't do it. It ruins you, it ruins your kids and everyone else around you. Be careful the first time you choose.
DISCLAIMER: I am not being rude. I'm stating my opinion. No personal attacks are meant. Please give some leniency on how you take my words. imagine me saying them with a smile. ^__^
"Although I have a stronger connection to Jamie, I still love Venieta as well. I’ve seen her fight so hard for her dad’s time and attention. It breaks my heart to see her disappointed and hurt because her dad chose to go party for the weekend instead of come and pick them up like he promised her he would. That was another promise broken. She hold’s him up on a pedestal. He’s her idol. She’s his fan club. Although she worships her dad, she still sees him for the way he is. I’ve sat back and watched him break her heart because he can’t seem to make time in his life to be her dad."
You described me in that sentence and how it breaks my stepdad's heart. I know it hurts him when he sees how hard I try for my dad to notice. As a girl who seems to be very similar to your eldest (I'm the eldest as well) I know how she feels. She does love you. I love my stepdad with all my heart. Perhaps even more than my dad. But there is something about blood, I long for my dad to be proud. I know that my stepdad will always be there. I know that no matter how much make him angery or upset him he will always help me. But my dad I'm not so sure about. He's always blown me off in some way. I want to make him proud so he will want to spend time with me. Even now as a young adult I crave his approval. I know that my stepdad will always be proud of me. I'm sure this is how your daughter feels in some respect.
Thanks so much for writing this blog. It has touched my heart very much...in fact I'm crying because I know how I can break my stepdad's heart.
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"I am a Stephens Woman."
http://progressiveu.org/blog/ashestree
I'm happy that I touched your heart with my blog. It must have been intense to see something like this and picture how your own stepdad must feel. But that's what I really like the most about this site. When you write something like this that is very personal and important to you, share it in hopes that people will like it and understand, and then getting comments back that they do understand and even relate makes me feel very honored.
I know there will come a time that my oldest two will understand more what I'm going through. I never have made Venieta feel bad for wanting to be with her father, because that would be wrong. She loves him and even if he isn't the most deserving person of that love, it's still important to her. I guess in a way that makes it important to me. That's why it's so hard to watch her go through what she goes through with him. Jamie, like I said, doesn't have that connection, but she still keeps him on the sidelines. He always gives them money and treats, so that will do for her...at least for now.
"Even now as a young adult I crave his approval. I know that my stepdad will always be proud of me."
Do you ever think there will come a time when you're not fighting for attention and approval from your dad? I'm just wondering from the stepdad's point of view. I mean, do you ever think there will come a time that you stop chasing him and begging for his approval and wait for him to come to you? I ask mainly because that's how I was amd still am with my dad. Still I couldn't care less what my dad thinks of me or my life. I know he's proud of me now that he's back in my life and he can show and tell me how proud he is, but I could care less if I had his approval or not. That is something that I would want for my daughter so she doesn't keep chasing a futile attempt at what seems to be an impossible dream.
I have never failed. I have successfully discovered 10,000 ideas that don't work.
-Thomas Edison
http://www.progressiveu.org/090204-dont-miss-this-chance
I totally understand. You love your stepdad more, but, as all humans, you want what you can't have and you won't feel fulfilled until you do. Seek your father God's approval, he is the one who is hurt the most when we reject and ignore him. He will heal all your wounds.
DISCLAIMER: I am not being rude. I'm stating my opinion. No personal attacks are meant. Please give some leniency on how you take my words. imagine me saying them with a smile. ^__^
I divorced my first wife and after awhile stared dating and eventually was remarried. I have three children from my first marriage. Those three children are not as fond of me as they are with their mother and her fiance. I try my hardest to be involved with their lives as much as I can, but they push me out. I am certain the my ex has a lot to do with that. They live a carefree life with her, whereas I have rules and expectations that need to be followed and met. They sometimes accidentally call me by his name. That tears me apart. I want to have a bigger impact and say in their lives than he does, but what can I do? I am on the opposite side of this. My ex and her fiance are more into partying and letting the kids do what they want. I have tried to take them back in to my home, but the kids don't want to stay here and the courts feel that everything is good for them stay there. So I only get them for the weekends and whenever she doesn't want them.
My wife has a child that was about 4 months old when we met. I took this child in, as you did with your stepchildren, and love her with all my heart. Fortunately for me the biological father is an idiot. He was only using his visitation rights to come over and try to get my wife to leave me and go back with him. When she finally told him to stop because it will never happen, he stopped seeing her all together. He hasn't seen her outside of pictures and passing by at stores or whatever since she was 8 months old. So now I am the only Daddy that my stepdaughter has ever known and my adopting her is almost complete. She's 6 years old now. I know that feeling that you have though. I didn't like him coming to our house (he had supervised visits) and messing with "my daughter".
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Respectfully,
Adam
A-Team Member
I understand where you're coming from. When my wife and I first got together, her ex would come around and show up just to try and get her back and didn't even take time for his children. It must be interesting for you to read my blog coming from both point of views with your daughter and then as the father of children who have step-parents. We're going through something similar. Our oldest wants to go live with her dad because they don't supervise them, they don't have that many chores, she can pretty much do what she wants just as long as she's not bothering her dad. I don't understand her sometimes. She will come home from her dads house after spending the weekend and tell us how much she's being ignored, but she wants to go and live there so she can spend more time with her father. Why does she want to be ignored on a full time basis? The fun 'week-end' dad has worn off. He doesn't always take them to do fun stuff, but they go out to eat and some other places on the weekends, so I guess I just don't understand the appeal.
I hope things get better for you. From my point of view as the step-father, I think my view would be different if he was always as active from the beginning. Keep trying your best to be the best parent you know how to be. It's difficult dealing with extended families.
Good luck and may life bring you happiness.
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"The bad thing is thinking you know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth because it makes you close-minded and dangerous."
http://www.progressiveu.org/090204-dont-miss-this-chance
Wow. i am sorry about that. See what I mean? When divorce occurs, it tears up all families apart. But when they grow up they will understand. Right now they are kids. let them come to you.
DISCLAIMER: I am not being rude. I'm stating my opinion. No personal attacks are meant. Please give some leniency on how you take my words. imagine me saying them with a smile. ^__^
I was raised by my grandmother. So when my son was born there was no doubt that I was going to be there. there was no question. Unfortunately I've had to fight for the right more than I think I should have. Although me and and his mother are not together my is healthy in mind and spirit. The only time that my son has felt any strain in the situation it's been because of us exposing him to it.
I lot of what you're feelings seem to have nothing to do with the children. You commented on the 50% divorce rate... all those divorces are because of the adults not the children. Why shouldn't both parents continue to have a relationship with their children? Why should one be penalized?
I believe a child living with both biological parents is the best for the child... assuming that both parents are fit. But the reality is that's not happening. So the next best thing is a healthy relationship with both parents.
From what I read in your case, I think it's vital for your step-daughter to have a relationship with her biological father. A healthy relationship with our parents is a healthy foundation for all future relationships- even though they maybe divorced. No to discount your role... but any judgments should be left to the child to come to on their own. I'm sure no matter what you or your wife thinks about the father, he's the best thing since slice bread to your step-daughter. And that's the way it should be.
I commented on divorce because that's what affects children and their relationship with their parents. My oldest doesn't have as good a relationship as she could have had if he and her mom didn't split it. That's why I commented on divorce. I also have been very loving and supportive of Venieta's relationship (or lack there of most of the time) with her father. I have called him for her. I have never tried to make her feel bad about wanting that relationship with him, even though I feel otherwise.
My feelings about their father is a whole different story, but related to this, it has everything to do with the kids. I may be jealous when they prefer him over me for any reason, but that has to do with them. I want them to prefer me. It's selfish of me, so I just push that aside and try to be as supportive as I can.
You ask "Why shouldn't both parents continue to have a relationship with their children? Why should one be penalized"
Well, I never said that he sholdn't have a relationship with his kids. And I have never stood in the way of that relationship. But that relationship still isn't that of a parent. He doesn't parent them they way they need. He's selfish and childish himself, so how is he going to be the parent. That's what I was saying. I'm a better parent and hopefully, one day, they will see that.
"I'm sure no matter what you or your wife thinks about the father, he's the best thing since slice bread to your step-daughter. And that's the way it should be."
Speaking from a parent not in the home, you may believe that to be true. But being the step-parent in the home, I'm the one that has to deal with the repercussions when the sliced bread gets moldy. You make take an active role in your child's life, but he doesn't take the role he should. Even though he may not be in the home and with their mother, he could do more to show her that he loves her and he is there for her, but he doesn't. I don't really agree that's the way it should be.
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"The bad thing is thinking you know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth because it makes you close-minded and dangerous."
i get what you're saying. my son is fortunate to be surrounded by people who love him. i always say even when it gets bad its not that bad.
but i'm very sensitive to the way people discount the role of a father in our culture. when a couple is together raising a child, they may have differences but they compromise and work those differences out. When they seperate all comprimising goes out the window, and 9 times out of 10 a father is seen simply as a sperm donor and atm. i believe its reflected in the family court system. Fathers tend to be penalized for no reason, while mothers receive favor for no reason. This is seen as in the best interest of the child. But what happens when two adults don't act like adults.... the way the power (which manifets itself economically and physically through visitation) has been distributed , it becomes blatantly aparent that the father has no rights. I believe this discourages many fathers from playing an active role in their childs life as well as society. When it becomes easier for someone to go into debt and go to jail then it is for them to have a relationship with their child- somethings wrong.
I am of the beleif there is no reason to not be a parent to your child. i grew up without my parents and its had a huge affect on me. although i was raised in a loving home by my grandmother, there is a void there. for that reason i believe as long as a parent is not a danger to his/her child, the child should be allowed to have a relationship with them. How you or her mother feels about the father should not effect that childs relationship with her father. you two may in fact be the better parents, but what makes you the better parent is realizing your children's needs come before yours. may one day she will come to realize her father wasn't a good father, but she should be allowed to come to that decision herself.
I'm not saying you're not already putting your childs needs before yours, in fact i believe you are and i think this piece was an attempt to 'release.' and its better to release here in the this forum than project it in your household and your situation. i'm just saying be careful. we're not all perfect, sometimes we need to check ourselves.
peace
I agree that society projects a certain stereotype of fathers that are not in the home. But that stereotype stems from a lot of truth. Father's who are not in the home often chuck their responsibilities because it's easier for them. The "dead beat dad' syndrome started somewhere. Just because society percieves something a certain way, doesn't mean they have to live up to society's bias view and prove them right. Absentee fathers need to raise above the negative stereotype and be the father, no matter what.
As for compromise, I think that when the relationship is over and you're dealing with a two parent home, that's when there is the most compromise. You have to compromise time away from your children on the weekends so they can be with their father. We compromised our time and energy and space and actually allowed him to come and stay with us on the weekends because we lived 82 miles away and there wasn't an alternative. So, in order for him to see his children, he stayed at our house. But there has to be some compromise on his part as well, or there is simply no reason why we should be bending over backwards to make this work and he doesn't. He's feeding into the image of sperm donor/atm by not being more than that.
Thank you for your understanding and words of caution. I know I'm not the perfect parent or the perfect being for that matter. I have to be ever mindful of my children and their feelings over mine. It's hard, but worth it in the end.
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"The bad thing is thinking you know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth because it makes you close-minded and dangerous."
I am a single mother and my daughter has not really met her biological father before. I broke off the relationship when she was 3 months old because he and I were not even in love with each other... She was a result of bad birth control problems... Anyway, I really love her with all of my heart and because her dad doesnt want to be around I am fully satisfied that he has kept himself out. I started to date my boyfriend James when she was around a year old and she has known him until this day. It is kind of weird for me to see him want to take the role of a father even though he does not do it well... But I hope I don;t have to see her real father ever again! I am in the process of trying to make him pay for child support which he will do but if he never wants to show his face, Raevyn and I will be very blessed. I won't stop him from seeing her and I never have. He hates me and I hate him. He is about 10 years older than I am and stuck being a loser with a low wage job and another child from another mother he doesnt pay for. Life takes you by the hands and what you get is what you get... ugh how I would take that year back and never end up meeting him! I love Raevyn soooo much! She is sooo silly and crazy! She is also 2yrs old and acts just as crazy as a little boy. She waits for no one! Thanks for your wonderful blog! I hope that she won't get messed up just because her father doesnt want to be in her life. I have given her tools to succeed thus far and I hope she never thinks twice about how much I truly love her.
I am on the other end of the spectrum. I was raised by my mother. My father divorced my mother when I was 6. July the 14th my mom remarried. I love my stepdad and I know he will always be there for me.
Also don't worry about what the statics say. According to them I should be pregnant and dropped out of high school.
HE is the way, the truth, and the life.
I completely agree with what your saying.
I did not even know who my mother was until I was 13 years old and I wasn't too sure about my father until I was aout 8; due to the fact that neither of them where around and neither of them wanted to claim me. I was raised by relatives and I just turned 18 in october. I am in my senior year of high school and have countless opportunites before me.
I have never given up on aything and I do not beleive that I ever will.
The statistics may apply to most, but they certainly do not apply to all and I refuse to be a stereotype because I come from a broken home.
Good for you. That is the best thing I've heard in a long time. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do something because of the statistics! I'm glad that you're overcoming the hurdles that are in your life. Good luck with everything that lay before you!!!!
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"The bad thing is thinking you know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth because it makes you close-minded and dangerous."
http://www.progressiveu.org/090204-dont-miss-this-chance
I like your last comment. Its true. Look on him for guidance and direction.
DISCLAIMER: I am not being rude. I'm stating my opinion. No personal attacks are meant. Please give some leniency on how you take my words. imagine me saying them with a smile. ^__^
Your Funeral Guy
R.Brian Burkhardt
http://lowercostfuneral.com
Having been in this scene. Everybody hurts. The guy in the house, the guy in the car, and the child, not to mention wife and all involved.
The best way to handle this is be kind to all.
http://www.progressiveu.org/090204-dont-miss-this-chance
its seems that everyone has been touched by this in some way. I am sorry for you guys.
DISCLAIMER: I am not being rude. I'm stating my opinion. No personal attacks are meant. Please give some leniency on how you take my words. imagine me saying them with a smile. ^__^
I love the fact that you think of the girls as yours. There are not many men that would go into a premade family like you did and stay and love the kids. My oldest son is not my husbands, but like you he took him as his own. I feel so bad for you when you have to see them go. I am so glad that my husband does not have to go through that. My ex has nothing to do with our son, I think it is sad but for the best. Anyway I really love your post, I cried when I read it because I can somewhat relate to it.
Thank you very much. It's good to know that I connect with people out there on a personal level. I'm glad that your husband doesn't have to go through what I go through and that you believe that it's for the best and everything works out for you that way. We (and I mean me, my wife, and her ex) are just trying to make it work for everybody and hope that we have what's best for the children in our hearts even if it's not the right choices. Everyone makes mistakes, and let's hope therapy will be able to repair the ones we make that effect our children (just joking). But on a serious note, sometimes we don't know what it best. My wife and I have talked about me adopting Jamie, our 5 year old, but at 5 years old and in the situation we are in, how can we expect her to know what she wants. And we can't be 100% sure that that is the best option either. I do knot worse men out there than my wife's baby daddy. We just try our best. Thanks again for the words of encouragment and your support.
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"The bad thing is thinking you know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth because it makes you close-minded and dangerous."
http://www.progressiveu.org/090204-dont-miss-this-chance
yeah, I admire your dedication to these girls. You really do care about them.
DISCLAIMER: I am not being rude. I'm stating my opinion. No personal attacks are meant. Please give some leniency on how you take my words. imagine me saying them with a smile. ^__^
I remember when my son got married and left home. It was a sad day for me and my wife. We visit every week but it`s not the same thing. It was better when he was in our home and under our protection. He send every year flowers throw a Mothers Day Flowers Delivery service but it`s not the same thing.
I am not a biological mother. Reading my blogs will show you my situation in depth if you have a curiosity but for a quick explaination: I have 2 adult step kids (20, 21) and 3 children that are actually my ex's but there was no marriage involved there (5, 3, 10 months). I can't have children of my own but with the three little ones: they lived with me long enough that they think they are mine (the older two that is) and when the youngest was born she just got used to my relationship with her brothers who call me Momma. They are my children and when their father's try to play the DNA card when it comes to weekend visitations, just so that I can't have them they get confused by the sudden attention. None of their fathers want anything to do with them other wise.
I still get some visitation with them because doing otherwise would kill me and them. I just have no say or rights when it comes to what happens to them anymore because of my lack of DNA connection.
I do understand and truly sympathize. My situation led to the bolg "What makes a Parent?" and alot of heartbreaking waiting. I too watch them walk away to another "parent" and know for a fact that they are better off in my care because I actually care, but I refuse to bad mouth in front of them. It is a difficult battle. Just keep cherishing them, they will remember and realize who their real father is when push comes to shove. They know it in their hearts but little girls will be daddy'd girls even when the "daddy" doesn't notice or care... I was one of those girls myself.
Dream + Effort = Reality
Don't give up - determination is just a fancy way to be stubborn!
Since then, I've received a varsity letter in academics, a Thespian membership, NHS membership, and the choice of not driving a car. My biological father is becoming more interested in me (stalking me, practically)... But if he ever tries to speak to me I'll either tell him he has the wrong person (if we're in a crowded area) or punch him in the face. I've seen my friends and brother use divorce as a reason to set parents against each other, or fail at school/life... And I think it's sad. I'm living proof that step-parents aren't all like Cinderella's or Snow White's. Don't worry - in time, they'll appreciate you more, especially when little Jamie realizes that you're more her dad than her father is.
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http://progressiveu.org/062647-ohmigawd-did-you-hear
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