I am a horrible person, and let me tell you why.
People scare me. All sorts of people, too. At the auctions I attend, there are several people that draw my attention. One is a woman with an extreme limp and an unhappy-looking face, another a man with an enormous purple birthmark (I think) across his face, and another is an old man with a huge bulbous thing on his face that eerily reminds me of a tumor. The woman I know now, and I’ve found her to be a very nice individual. The men, however, I feel uncomfortable around. I want to stare--really stare--at their deformed faces but I can’t. I know it’s socially unacceptable to stare at such oddities, and the person in question probably wouldn’t like it very much either. Heck, I feel uncomfortable if someone is staring at me.
In order to not stare, I try to stay away from these people. I’m afraid I’ll sneak a peak too many times and make the person angry. Or what if we struck up a conversation, and the other person found I wasn’t looking not into their eyes as I should, but at a strange mark or deformity on their face? I don’t want to seem like a bad person.
The question is: is the bad person the one who runs away, or the one who stares?
I’m wondering if it’s just time to get up the nerve and just act cool around these people. They are only people afterall; not the boogeyman, not ferocious crocodiles or peculiar beings from another planet. Maybe I should stare, get that urge out of my system, and everything will be all right.
But society tells me staring is wrong…
Now that I think of it, I know quite a few people with unusual appearances. One of my friends has a lazy eye, but I’ve known her so long that I don’t notice it anymore. A kid who graduated me had scars all down his arm from an oil burn, but I stopped noticing that after the first year. My Dad recently asked the kid where the scar came from, and I was thinking “What scar?” before I remembered.
Did I forget to notice these differences because I was used to them, or because I got to know the people?
I could be a horrible person, but I know I’m not the only one. Maybe with time, I won’t see the birthmarks or misshapen face that define the nameless people at the auction when I get to know who they really are beneath such superficial differences.
I wouldn't say that fear makes someone a bad person, and especially not curiousity. I wouldn't even say anger makes someone a bad person. I really wouldn't say anything made someone a bad person, but if I had to say something, it would only be hate.
besides, we're all good people who are great-people-in-progress anways,
and progress always has its up's-and-down's
You got to know the person, and in the process got used to how they look. It's kind of like how everyone stares at me for being so hot, but after a year or so of drooling all over me, they get used to my hotness and forget about it.
:pant:
Kidding!
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I think an aversion to people or things that look abnormal is a natural instinct.
We have the internal knowledge that they are people just like us, but we have to fight through that instinct, which can be really hard. It doesn't make you a bad person, if you know that you have to work through that instinct.
Common sense is as rare as genius. ~Emerson
Colorado November Ballot Measure to Legally Define a Fertilized Egg as a Person
That doesn't make you a bad person at all. You just have to get used to their oddities. I have a friend who has a huge birthmark on her chin. It fascinated me when we first met, but now it's just normal. Same with a teacher with a lazy eye, a girl missing her foot, etcetera...having an aversion to things and people who appear abnormal is normal. You'll grow accustomed to them eventually.
And that's comin' at ya' from yer local redneck hippie.
--
The Story of Myself
Its not bad of you to notice other people's imperfections. The only thing you knew about the 3 strangers you talked about was the limp or the birthmark or the tumor thing. So until you talk to them or get to know them, you won't be ablt to think about anything else relating to those people other then their physical appearence, jsut like you don't notice your friends scars now.
True, true. I know the one woman with the limp now, and I recognize her by name, but the other two must be categorized in my mind as "Tumor man" and "Birthmark man". Maybe it's cruel to think that way, but it's not like I'll go up to them and say, "Hey Tumor Man! Hey Birthmark Dude! Hows it hangin?" That might be rude right there.
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Mind Control is Easier Than You Think
Yea that might be just a little rude. But hey, it happens. My whole household has names for the people who live in our neighborhood because we don't know their real names. The short people, Crazy Pants, Gorilla Baby. The list goes on. And I sometimes feel cruel, but how else would I refer to them or think about them. And like you said, its not like Im going to go up to them and be like, "Crazy Pants! How was your jog today?"
I believe it is normal to stare. I don't think you are a horriable person for doing so. Alot of people do that. I don't do it besides a glance because I start to feel I am entering their bubble and I don't want to make them feel bad. It could be your ocd to be honest because things aren't even. Once you get to know who they are deep down I think it will get better. Like EW said I think you answered your own question.
http://www.progressiveu.org/032913-lupus-uncureable-wait-what
Love comments? I do too!
I think I did answer my own question there. Thanks you guys.
Yeah, I'm sure it's normal to stare but it still doesn't feel "okay". I was at a theme park with a family once and the boy was completely paralyzed. He was wheeled around by his mother around the park, and I was so mad at the people who just stared so long as they walked by him. I was angry that these strangers seemed so inconsiderate but I realized it was a natural reaction anyway. Still, we try to hamper these natural reactions because it's not nice to stare at someone. I wonder if we can find an acceptable middle-ground?
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Mind Control is Easier Than You Think
I struggle with this all the time with the kids. I don't want to teach them that differences are shameful, so when they are staring, I tend to head them off by asking if they would like to ask me a question about what they are seeing. They usually have tons of questions that would be considered rude, like "What's wrong with that guy?" or "Why do mostly dark people live here?" By asking them for heir questions, I like to think I am inviting open communication and normalizing differences for them. I know for a fact that I've headed off tons of embarrassing situations!
I have no idea WHAT to do about grown-ups who stare...
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
As a fellow deformed....
Actually I was am not so bad as what you said but I think it applies. I only had a big eraser sized spot among many on my face. I wrote about my experience on both sides of the fence here on proU. Chances are they do not notice as much as you do.
http://progressiveu.org/002415-a-simple-spot-changed-me
The only time I got a glimpse of what people might think was when I was a cashier. A young person asked what that was on my head...my hilarious answer was never heard because the mom of said person hushed their child and apologized. I wish adults would be more honest and inquisative as children.
Find adventure
~T
All truths are easy to understand once discovered; The point is to discover them ~Galileo
Kids can be more cruel than adults, but they are more honest. Some of them don't know what a white lie is yet, so they don't bother hushing things up by saying what they think people want to hear.
Now that I'm curious, what was your hilarious answer? (Unless I find it on your blog, which I'm going to read now)
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Mind Control is Easier Than You Think
Oh I can not really remember right now. SOmething about magical powers that make other people smart as soon as they ask me questions.... I will dig the troves of my brain because the random answer was funny...I am NEVER funny when I try.
~T
All truths are easy to understand once discovered; The point is to discover them ~Galileo
I don't think this makes you a bad person, you just have to do what you are comfortable with, and obviously being around these people isn't something you are comfortable with. I personally have a passion for working with mentally retarded people. In fact the most rewarding experience I can think of was helping them at a track meet and seeing how excited they got over running towards that finish line and cheering for each other (one even said I was his girlfriend). But some girls there had to separate themselves because they felt uncomfortable, but no one looked down on them for it, just like I don't look down on you. I think it would be worse if you tried to make conversation and send off bad vibes.
Nice comment, I think it really brings things full circle.
Now that I'm thinking of it, there were also mentally challenged people in my school. After the first year of being around these people, the environment seemed normal. Even when the boy with turrets would have his outbursts, it was normal so it didn't seem abnormal.
It must be nice to help out the mentallly challenged like you do.
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Mind Control is Easier Than You Think
Thanks.
And yeah I know what you mean about how it just became normal. The first time I was around these people I felt entirely awkward, but after being around them I loved it and it felt completely normal. I think it's all about reaching a level of comfort and perhaps you just haven't reached that level yet. Maybe you'll get there and maybe it's just something that you have to get over in other ways.
I love working with the mentally challenged, it's extremely rewarding and it really makes me see how much I take for granted. It's also really great to see how close they all are to each other, without the typical drama.
for me, I lock into a person's eyes when I am speaking to them. If I manage to set up a decent rapport, I might ask them about their defect. Other times I won't.
Either way, a person's eyes are what you tell you the most, and when you care about that person, nothing else really matters. It is really strange to me how well this works for me working with the mentally ill. Many are a little frightened by my boldness, which is not bad, because it keeps them in check. Some think I have mind reading powers, many have called me an angel.
Very few people are used to that kind of eye contact, but I know that this is what allows me to walk down the hallways of Hell unharmed.
When it comes to kids, that is a little more challenging. I agree with ew that allowing them to express their questions and observations, they are able to have their question answered, and don't need to keep asking it. Actually, this probably helps prevent the exact kind of anxiety you are talking about, because kids are actually much more comfortable with things and people we consider "ugly" and do not judge based on appearances like adults do. The sooner we address their curiosity, the better.
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