I Don't Want to Hear You Pee After You Pyschoanalyze Me: Day 73

For as long as I've been at the HG, I've tried to avoid one thing (other than food):

Going to the bathroom at the same time as my therapist.

Okay, that shit is just WEIRD. We'll have had a session, where I pour my heart out, reveal all my childhood secrets, cry and do every other embarrassing emotional thing EVER, and then five minutes later, there's that awkwardness when we're both in the bathroom and don't know what to say. My therapist returned from a 2-week vacation today (FINALLY!!! Fuck. I'm developing dependency issues with my therapist!! I AM crazy) and before group, we were both in the bathroom. But you see, I have a method.

1. I see therapist go to bathroom.

2. I wait a few minutes, then go myself, hoping to get to the bathroom while she's in the stall and hopes that she finishes and leaves before I come out, therefore avoiding all knowledge that we were there together.

However, I exited the stall while she was still washing her hands.

"Hi, sweetheart!" she sing-songed.

Awww. What can I say? I'm a sucker for pet names.

Aimee left today. And the new girl--Brook (NO E! The hell?!?) is going to be my roomie. It's 11:30 pm and she JUST got here. I have yet to meet her. She's downstairs getting a tour while I'm up here "doing my financial accounting homework."

Ugh. I am SO SICK of the new people. I love Cat, she's so sweet and fun, but I miss Laura and Casey and Aimee and Barb, sweet BJ--my fellow Jean-as-a-middle-namer and brother-named-Greg, high-fiving, French accented, "COTTAGE CHEESE" shouting partner in crime, is leaving tomorrow. The whole dynamics of the house are changing. It was too good to be true, I guess.

When we were leaving for the office today, Aimee stayed here so she could finish packing. She would see us briefly at the office before leaving, but we really wouldn't get a chance to say good bye. So before we left for the office, we hugged good bye and DAMMIT! I burst into tears.

"WAHHH!"

It's so weird without her here. She's not in the room next to me. She won't be there in the morning, up before me (there are people who get up earlier than me?!?! Who knew??) and she won't be in the kitchen, fake humping me from behind and doing the coffee dance with me. I miss her so, so much.

I have to leave. Maybe it's my tendency to NOT feel my emotions, but I really feel as if I cannot stay here any longer without these people. I really wish Nicola were getting out the same day as me, so we could go live together and not have to suffer withdrawals (well, on my part at least. Maybe she doesn't have attachment issues like I do).

Today in group we discussed Radical Acceptance! meaning, basically, not fighting against all the shit in your life. And we had to write a list of things in our life that we have to learn to radically accept.

1. I may not be naturally as small as I've become.
2. I DO have support out here.
3. My life post-HG does NOT have to be a reflection of my life before coming or any other horrible scenario I'm scared it will be.
4. As gay and cheesy as it sounds--my thoughts create my reality.
5. My friends back in Wisco will always be there for me :-).

Speaking of Wisco, WHO'S EXCITED FOR MARCH 14, BABY?!?!

I AM, that's who!

Well, I'm hoping. My dad hasn't bought the ticket yet, but apparently he found one etc. etc. Yayayayayay! I'm so excited to see everyone and hang out and ask people "Where's the bubbler?" and not have to explain to people what the U.P. is.

My parents are coming on Saturday to help me move. And my mom was all excited, saying "Maybe we could do something fun! Like go to Sea World!!!" but then, after finding out that I'm not doing so great in Financial Accounting, changed that "fun" outing to "Well, maybe we'll work on some of your homework."

....

My parents' want for me to succeed in everything academically is so immense that it literally drives me insane. They will DO MY HOMEWORK FOR ME if they are afraid I won't pass. I won't complain and say this doesn't provide me with some relief. It does. But it makes me realize how FUCKING IMPORTANT education is to them, over everything and everyone. You MUST be the best. You CAN'T do anything that will divert from what normal people do. After 2 and a half months in treatment?? You're cured.

Hah. I can picture it now--eating with my parents, a couple of weeks or months out of recovery. If I'm struggling and mention it to my mom, I could expect this response:

"But you don't have an eating disorder anymore, sweetie. Now finish your sandwich."

I think too much. My head hurts.

I shared today in group that sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on parts of my life. That, at 19, I should be going out and getting drunk and being stupid and reckless and have a I-don't-give-a-shit-attitude.

I guess I drink in this hypothetical scenerio.

Anyways, the therapist was saying how a lot of people look to external sources like friends, family, jobs, etc., to fulfill them, when what we REALLY should be doing is fulfilling ourselves with our own interests and thoughts and beliefs, etc.

"You have to learn to be by yourself, and okay with it," advised the Wise Therapist.

Cat said "Wow...I can't imagine someone like you not being okay to be by yourself."

Ahh. Did I mention I love Cat?

Then Therapist made Cat look me in the eyes and say that. And I had NO idea how long to keep eye contact. So we sat. And stared. And the whole time I was thinking Oh-my-God-I-want-to-look-away-I-am-SO-fucking-uncomfortable-right-now-I-feel-my-face-getting-hot.

After staring at each other like that for 4 hours, I finally decided to look away. I still don't know if my timing was off or not.

And speaking of timing, I must go perfect mine for Basic Keyboarding! Homework calls.

Or I could always have my parents do it.

Tee hee.

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