The title is lyrics from a song that I used to always listen to, like a couple years ago. I am still trying to figure out what exactly the lyrics could mean, but to me they are saying that having a fear of loving a person can change you and sometimes it might be for the worst. I sometimes feel like after being hurt once it is kinda always in the back of my head that it could happen again. I am in love right now and it's a good feeling, but I think that maybe in the back of my mind I am so afraid of being hurt again. I'm not sure why I feel like this whenever I could never see my boyfriend ever hurting me really bad, he doesn't have it in him, he is a caring and loving person and would never do anything that would hurt me. I know this but I still fear stuff, how can that be? I think that maybe since I was hurt so bad it ruined something inside of me that might never go away. And honestly that terrifies me a lot. I think this so called ''fear'' that I have inside my head has me acting the way I have been for a while now. I sometimes wish I wouldn't be this way, but I am trying so hard to change how I am but it doesn't seem to be working. I don't know what else to do. I am hurting inside because of the things I am saying and doing. I wish I could learn to be a laid back person and just go with the flow with things and keep calm, but I've been acting the opposite. On my other blog someone suggested that I pretended to be the person I want to be and I will eventually become that person. I did try that, rather it was smart or not, and it seemed to work for one day then I forgot about acting like who I want to be and I continued to act like how I have been acting. I feel like maybe acting like who I'm not would be kind of being fake, and I just wanted to change who I am, not really pretend I'm someone else or anything. If that makes any sense.
Lately things have been really hard for me. I feel like I am getting nowhere with changing. It seems so impossible, and I'm really impatient and it's just not coming soon enough. I need to find a way to begin to change then I can go from there. I am so sick of writing all of these blogs explaining on how I need to change, and then I get nowhere after, not even any progress at all. It seems so unfair to me that this is so hard. I'm honestly hurting myself by being upset all of the time. I do everything wrong and it always blows up in my face in the worst ways. Everything harsh that I am getting back is what I kind of deserve for being how I am. What else could I possibly expect, to be honest? I don't know what else I can do but continue to try, I just really hope that eventually it will pay off big time. Almost everyday I am upset at least once, to the point where I cry, and it's so unfair that I am doing this to myself. There are times when it's not my fault that I am crying though but I won't get into that. This blog is mainly about me, and my problems I need to change. Maybe with the new year coming it will bring more hope to me about changing, and maybe I'll have a miracle.
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I feel that sometimes we put to much pressure on ourselves.
OK you realize that there is a need for self improvement. That's an excellent start. You have to try to change yourself slowly. Changing yourself for the good is a process like any other.
Just as if you needed to lose 50 lbs. Yes you can do it quickly and all alone with no help or support. But the possibility of you gaining (not just all of the 50lbs) all the weight back and even more is extremely high.
However if you get a regular routine of a healthy diet and exercise, along with the support of a professional or better yet a good friend, you are more guaranteed longer lasting success. Yes it may take longer, but the reward is so much greater.
Now please take this analogy and insert it to your life.
Change does not happen overnight, it is impossible.
You have to allow it time and put in all the hard work.
You say that you have this amazing guy in your life. As I wrote in another blog: the definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting things to change. Break the cycle. If he is the great guy you wrote about, then let him know that you want to change and will like for him to support you. Be honest with him and let him know that it will not always be easy and it will be a long journey.
I'm glad you realized that you can't EVER make yourself up as someone else, because after the makeup fades then you are seen for yourself again.
Best wishes and good luck!!
I just played the hand I was dealt..... I'm just playin to win ;-) (rapper 2Pac)
Love is eternal within the heart, to keep in mind to reflect it upon yourself only, will bring you all the love.....
It is said,
Serpents Egg – The Host of Seraphim