If you recognize the title of this blog, then you probably know where I am going with this. Its killing me, the voice that says you are fat and need to stip eating is killing me. It is on my mind constantly and I can't be happy. It makes me want to jump in the lake because I don't have any self control. I used to have self control.
I am not an anorexic, but I do restrict and I do chew and spit food. This week was supposed to be my fast. I was supposed to lose at least ten pounds and I have failed. Its only Tuesday, and I can redeem myself tomorrow, but I doubt I will. I have no self control.
"I know the right words to say, like I don't feel well, I ate before I came" and these used to be my words quoted from superchick. People keep saying your not fat and that you will be sick if you loose more weight and I don't believe them. There is a little voice in my head that says, your fat. I know I am a binge eater. I never feel full or satisfied. I started the day so well, but a combination of things I got me going to the refrigerator every five minutes. I feel like I can't stop and the debate will lead me into darker waters and a past that I have matured past.
I need to stop because the thought of living with thighs that look like mine, and a belly that might just decide to pop out tomorrow kills me. I can't live fat. I can't except it and yet again I eat out of hopelessness. Now I have to run for along time.
Don't stip eating! I'm glad you can't except being "fat" but there are totally better ways of weight management.
Nicholas Aden
Self-Promotion
My Creative Writing
Thank you Nicolass for pointing out that I can't spell, but you should read my first post. It is my blog and I don't worry about being correct, maybe you should loosen up.
Alright, I will submit myself to read your first blog as well. But you know what? I am a fairly laid back person. My one pet peeve is spelling and grammar. I will point it out as I notice is. Also, there happens to be an "h" and only one "s" in my name.
Nicholas Aden
Self-Promotion
My Creative Writing
Maybe you just need different food choices in the fridge? I know cottage cheese doesn't sound all that pleasant, but it tastes IMO a lot like mozzarella cheese. Maybe also get things like fruits that take a little more "work" to eat and filly ou up faster? Just some suggestions from an oblivious commenter...
Oh darling.
Chewing spitting, b/ping, running, I've done it all.
It sucks.
I remember the day about a year and half ago when I ate a stack of blueberry pancakes and thought "Holy shit. That just tasted /way/ better than being thin feels".
You've been inundating yourself with images of emaciated girls, been chanting mantras to yourself about the merits of being thin, have been telling yourself that girls who eat aren't /really/ happy.
Stop that right now. You don't have to start eating right now, but stop with the "thinspiration". Stop looking at magazines of skinny girls, stop pinching your theighs, stop pulling your stomach in, and stop telling yourself it's good to be thin. Even if you can't quite make yourself eat yet, don't think about it. Try not to weigh yourself in the morning. Just try. I can't promise it will help, but it helped me.
Good luck.