The entire week, I have been raging with thoughts and ideas on what to write, how to write... excited to write. (I got my first midterm for history back and the professor actually liked my essay--I was delightfully surprised because I tend to... be really wordy, ramble on and on, and, oh yeah, completely loose my focus!!)
It is the first hour of the day... still dark outside, obviously.
I have always wondered about the term "mid night." Because yes, it is dark out, it is the middle... of our night. But it is the first hour of the new day. Haha.
Well anyway, a couple of hours ago, my sister-in-law, her roommate and I were talking about Military Spouse stuff, because the church is writing a book about the Military and Military Spouses. I was sharing with them that I had been writing like a mad woman because I just got involved with this new blogging site. (Haha! Plug: Military Spouse Press!)
I told them that I was loving getting to know more about what other women go through and how it really kind of scared me. A lot of spouses, more seasoned spouses, the Spouse Veterans... they have so much experience, and they are all crusaders for such great causes; shedding light on such urgent matters.
PTSD.
R&R was a rough time for me. I got a glimpse of what my husband felt (?) I can't even describe my feelings at the time. He seemed different, but he told me he was fine. I felt so... weird, different? And that was ME! Looking at HIM! Not that he felt anything... that I know of. Geez, talk about grey area.
I am scared. PTSD is very real. I have been reading the blogs that the other wives have posted and it continues to me!
DJ and I talked about talking about what feelings he may have, or what he goes through, etc. DJ's brother decided not to tell anyone anything about his time in Iraq. He didn't want anyone to worry, according to him, being in Iraq was like going to Disneyland everyday, and he had steak and lobster for dinner.
I told DJ I didn't want him to do that.
I didn't want to be left in the dark, I didn't want to sit at home and let my mind wander and make things up. He agreed. I am so GRATEFUL to God that DJ tells me what he does. And THEN!! In a phone call, he said something like, "Well, there are somethings that you won't understand. Only people who have gone through it will understand."
I totally lost it. (Well not as dramatic as the statement "I lost it" makes it sound.) I felt so... far away from him. DJ hasn't really gotten it... but whenever he says "You just don't understand," it makes me feel so distant and alone! Because... Who am I, if not the one who understands him most!?!?!?!
I have come to understand a bit more about the "Vets will talk to Vets" thing. There are things in a lifetime that truly affect your perspective, your priorities, your opinions, views on the world, etc. And the bond that a platoon shares is a great one... I have written about my jealousy of this Band of Brothers before (Jealous of the Infantry Man), but it still hurts whenever it comes up. I kind of have to remember again, "Oh yeah, I'm not a Vet." Haha!
I am not saying that my marriage is complete strained, by no means, am I suggesting that, but it is really... confusing for a moment? It is just hard to deal because of course... a woman's mind goes nuts in the absence of her hubby. The waiting will drive you crazy, the what ifs, the count down, the internal and external influences--the stories you hear, the people you meet... it all mold my mind, it puts possibility where it didn't exists before.
PSalm 91:14-16
"Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name. When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation."
To me, in my heart, I started this deployment back in May 2007, thinking, without a doubt nothing would change, me, him, our marriage, our relationship... Good byes are never hard for me, it's the wait in between. I said, "Bye, see you later." It wasn't too big of a deal, I saved the crying for the day after.
But I prayed and searched for comfort and peace long before DJ left that morning. And God showed me through his word... that there was NOTHING to fear. Nothing to worry about, nothing to be anxious about. Psalm 91. (All of it is good, you should all read it.)
But here I am... afraid. Fearfully praying for God's grace and his continual love and comfort. The past few months have been blessed. Peace of mind, peace of heart... Jesus Christ has truly been, and will continue to be my stronghold, my fortress. It's been hard to "let go and let God" lately. (Mainly due to the vulnerability of my mind.)
My goodness.
I just need to hear from him. Tell him I love him. Make sure he knows...
Definitely a set of newfound fears.
An urgency for prayer--not just for DJ, but I am praying for all of our veterans, past, present and future.
A praise for all you wives who have taught me much, loved your husbands with unconditional love and support. You are a true example of what greatness what a Military Spouse is. Thank you all.
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