I'm pretty scared for this week. A bad streak started yesterday. I felt strange towards the end of the day and broke something when I got home. Okay, no big deal. Tell dad he'll fix it, it's fine. So, I don't feel good at all and take a nap. Mom wakes me up to go up to vancleave to see the wonderful lady that makes my uniforms. I get up, get dressed and get into an arguement with dad.
Just so you know, Jessie never gets in arguements with her dad.
Shaken, we go to vancleave. When I come home I still feel sick. My mind keeps spinning. Pros and cons and off-the-wall ideas, thoughts, and memories are bouncing around everywhere. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I get to bed late, wake up, normal routine only Lina's sick so she doesn't go to school.
First block is well, first block. Long. Boring. But not all that bad. Break, I miss a meeting [ I don't realize it until I get home.] I also sit by myself for most of it. Okay so the day's not so bad thus far. Second block, I finish my book, I hang up signs, I talk, I smile, I laugh. I'm still sore from twirling. I go to lunch and suddenly last night's bug comes back and I don't feel so good. My head starts spinning again. I try to make it stop. My eyes burn and I want to throw up. I eat lunch, I talk a little, but don't smile so much. We go to vo-tech. I'm feeling pretty rough by now. I want to go home. I want to cry. I want to lay down. I want someone to hold me. I need sleep. We go to class, I sit down by myself and try to cry it out. Nope. Not happening. I hear a loud noise and somewhat fretful voices. My teacher took a fall, a rough one, but he's okay. He gets up, but everyne's shaken. I'm already shaking, only more now. I breathe in. Exhale. I need to move. I switch rooms, I sit by my friends I talk, I bit back tears, I still feel terrible. I text mom, I need her to get me out of here.
I over hear a conversation being told a few times over, enough to gather that another unfortunate event occured just as we arrived. The pretty-eyed boy crossed paths with the new power consumed dictator of the vo tech, she was dramatic. The whole scene sounds ridiculous and like the lady just wants to make scenes and problems. I get the full story later, but one thing sticks in my head.
Girlfriend is a word that pushes me away from it's source any time I hear it. Almost immediately after that bomb is dropped I'm heading the other way. I hardly look twice at a boy who's taken, and aparently I can't be taken even if I want to be, it's sub-concious. Besides, did I really think those pretty eyes would be anything more than they are now? I hardly see them, what did I really expect? At this point in my day I feel so low I could melt into the floor. I really want to go home. I really want someone to hold on to. I really want to cry.
I text mom again. I try to feel better. I laugh. I smile. I'm okay. I don't plan on going out in the heat today, I still don't feel good, but I'm okay. Then as if I needed another blow. Raven quits band and I can't hold it in anymore. Tears well up, friends' smiles fade, everyone wants to know what's wrong, but how do I tell them how I feel like I need the earth to swallow me up? How I feel like I just fell from a five story window to pavement and all my insides are shattered. How do I tell them that I need them more than anythin gright now? How do I ask them to hold me up and stop me from falling?
I shrug.
I shake my head.
I swallow air.
I'm fine. I'm okay.
Mom comes she signs me out I drive home. My head hurts, my stomach's turning. I don't know what I need right now, but I want sleep. I want someone to rub my back until I fall alseep. I want someone to talk to me. But I need to get out of here. My ears feel numb, as well as my mind both in a constant state of throbing confusion. So much gets stacked up for so long, why can't it take that long to come down? It hardly takes a day. Small doses are better, more managable, but something inside my says that there's no such thing as better when it comes to addiction. But what am I addicted to? What is this called?
Can you be addicted to life? I mean I guess in a way it's like any drug that people get addicted to... it kills you eventually too, right?
This feels bigger than me. I don't know if I'm big enough to hold it all up and somehow I think one of my major support beams has faded into just another worry. I don't even think he knows it, but I worry about him everyday and not knowing what's going on scares me. The very long long stream of thought I wrote yesterday that never posted was completely about him. But, when it didn't post I figured it was better that way. I doubt he remembers my voice anyway. I guess I could sum up what yesterday's said, I don't think I know him anymore. That scares me more than anyone could imagine. I'm in pieces over what I should do. I'm standing in front of a pool filled to the top with new and I'm watching my best friend drown. I smile I wave I laugh. He's not going to resurface, this is it I know he's leaving. I smile. He's forgetting, or forgotten. He's so far away. I wave. He doesn't need me, he's found new things to take my place. I laugh. I go back to where he was, where he'll never be again and look but terrible feelings mix in my chest and pulse through my entire body, I want to reach to the bottom and pull him back out, tell him it's okay, tell him to start over. But can I? No. Can I let myself drown too and get pulled into everything I'm envying, everything that's taken my place? No. I can't. I step back.
I smile.
I laugh.
I shrug.
Today. Was. an. Awful. Day.
I. Need. Oxygen. and. Back-up.
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