That Non-Emotional Therapy Session Wore Me Out! : Day 23

Fuck.

I wrote like an entire fucking note, then accidently hit the back button. Shit shit shit.

Anyways, something AMAZING happened today. Something that I never, ever, EVER thought would happen.

I did not cry during therapy.

I did NOT cry during therapy.

I did not CRY during therapy.

I did not cry during THERAPY!

It was unbelievable. I was LAUGHING. And talking, like, a mile a minute. It made me feel that buying those Little Miss Chatterbox pajama pants was money well spent. My therapist was aghast with my behavior; she was even more excited than I was!

"Angie, this is YOU. Your personality is so big and you take up space and you GET IT! I'm just so, so happy for you."

This is what she said in response to me saying "I have no idea what I was thinking before. NO IDEA! Like, is every aspect of my life--my friends, school, family, EVERYTHING, less important than fitting into a 00?? I'M CRAZY FOR THINKING THAT!"

I just felt so much more like ME today. I am so, so sick of counting calories and fat grams and planning out how to skip meals and overexercise and binge and purge and worrying about EVERYTHING. Because seriously--WHO CARES?? WHO THE FUCK CARES??

Well. I still do. Kind of. A little. It's not going to go away over night--it's just not possible. I have been in this mindset--off and on--for 5 years. This shit doesn't disappear overnight. But I just feel like finally finally FINALLY! I'm starting to get it. I'm starting to see that there is life out there and I can accomplish things and life doesn't have to be perfect to be worth living.

I got a little overzealous in therapy; I exclaimed "Maybe I'll have peanut butter and jelly for lunch!" then thought about it and was like "Ehhh...maybe not. I think I'll ease into this thing."

However, though I didn't cry in therapy, that is not to say that today was without emotional peril. During our "house meeting" today (in which we discuss the fascinating topics of chores, fixtures needed to be repaired in the house, and umm....I don't remember. My ADD kicked in at the word "housework" and I immediately stopped listening), I started feeling depressed. Just really sad. And I thought "Hmm...this feels about right. Where were you, extreme depression? You're late." I have this HUGE fear of loneliness. And for some reason, I started feeling really alone. I can't stand this feeling. It's THE worse one, in my opinion. It reminds me of a couple of months ago when I was so, so alone and in the throes of my eating disorder. I had absolutely no friends and my eating disorder prevented me from reaching out to anyone because they might interfere and try to stop it. If nobody noticed me and nobody cared, I could carry on, as anorexic as can be, and that's what I wanted.

Laurie noticed and asked "Are you okay?" and I very smoothly said "Yeah, I'm just tired," to which she replied "Does anybody believe her?"

Yeah. Thanks. I feel very comfortable now!

Then after the meeting, while I was folding my big green blanket (which is a new rule indited at the meeting: ALL BLANKETS MUST BE FOLDED AFTER USE!), Amelia came up to me and asked if I wanted to talk. I have a soft spot for Amelia. Not only is she a fellow Wisconsinite (Well....kind of. Long story), but she's shared a lot with me and we've had a few talks. But since she's kind of a quiet person, I always feel loud and like I'm babbling and not being coherent when I talk to her. But I nodded anyways. What I said next sounds like something straight out of those so-bad-they're-good Lifetime movies (probably starring Tori Spelling) that I love so much:

"I just feel so alooooone! Like I have no one!"

Then Laurie came over and made me feel so much better.

"Honey, you have been through HELL this past year. You have every right to feel this way. I don't think it's crazy at all."

And even though I was sad and crying, it felt good. REALLY FUCKING GOOD to just...FEEL MY FEELINGS. I don't CARE if people think I should be over it, I don't CARE how long it's been, I don't GIVE A FUCK! These are my feelings, I can't help it, and I won't apologize for them.

Speaking of that, I'm trying to get up the balls do to something. Of the confrontational manner. Though it wouldn't be confrontational technically, since it would be over the phone. But still. I don't know yet. I know I should, but when it comes to stuff like this, I'm such a pussy.

But I did call my mom today. And kind of bitched her out.

"YOU NEVER CALL! YOU NEVER EMAIL! You never have ANY FUCKING EMOTION ABOUT ANYTHING!! You ship me across the fucking country into a place where I don't have a GODDAMN BEDROOM and expect everything to be fine!!!! AND LOOK AT WHERE I AM NOW! LOOK HOW WELL THIS TURNED OUT!" and my mom was all "But I never know when to call! It's always a bad time," to which I replied "I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT TIME YOU CALL OR IF I EVEN CAN ANSWER OR NOT! YOU'RE MY MOTHER--JUST KNOWING YOU CALLED AND YOU CARE IS WHAT MATTERS!"

I felt kind of bad when my mom exclaimed "But I do care! I think about you every day, sweetheart."

My awesome comeback?

"No you're not." *sniffle*

I have so much to work out. So much to do. But I'm finally, finally starting to put things in perspective. I think. I hope. I just feel an extreme amount of fear and anxiety surrounding this because I am so, so, scared that any second, I'll get depressed and hopeless again and not be able to snap out of it. It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and I really, really don't want that to happen.

We had yoga today, and thought I love yoga every day, today it was EXTRA awesome. I swear, I'm gonna be so goddamn flexible by the time I get out of this place that I'll have the ability to do things people previously thought were impossible. Some of the poses are kind of provocative (the "Happy Baby" is much more scandalous than one would imagine), but it all just felt SO good today. I was able to relax and de-stress, even after 2+ cups of coffee (I always sneak a little more than what's allowed...hehe).

And now, what I'm hoping I'll be able to do every day: an affirmation.

"Today, I will accept my body as it is, without judgement."

And hopefully tomorrow too.