Happy Birthday, Jesus! : Day 9

Last year on Christmas, I opened presents, went to Greenfield Park, visited with family, and ate turkey.

This year, I had about 4 cups of coffee, ate some vegetarian bologna, and made this weird-ass apple pie thing for dessert.

I don't mean to sound bitter. Today was actually a really good day. Kind of rushed and fast-paced (relatively speaking), which was actually a nice change. We went for a walk by the beach and then visited these cliffs overlooking the ocean. For parts of it, I finally felt at peace. With myself, my situation, my mistakes. Nature just has that affect on me. Whenever I go out in it, all the shit that's driving me crazy in my mind seems to fade away. And the fact that I was actually able to get some exercise was definitely a mood booster.

We didn't have yoga today, seeing as it is the day that Christ was born and all. That was a bummer. However, we did see "Sweeny Todd", which was good. In the house, you're not allowed any diet soda, but at the movies you are. I didn't really want any, and I know that my bladder is notorious for acting up while at the movies, but I didn't care. Just knowing I had the choice to get a diet soda made me shout "SWEET FREEDOM!" in my mind and get in line for one.

I think that's the thing. I NEED freedom. I honestly will get depressed if I don't have it. That's why it was so fucking hard to get by without a car. If I wanted to drive somewhere relatively far away for something, I couldn't. If it took 10 minutes by car, it would take 40 minutes to walk or 25 minutes and a LOT of hassle to use public transportation.

And here? I'm going CRAZY without exercise. I just...need it. I envy the people that I see jogging or power walking and hearing some of the staff members here talk about going hiking or something makes me want to slap them across the face from jealousy.

I'm feeling good though. I'm getting used to this eating thing. I'm even considering following through with it after I leave. You may think that'd be a no-brainer, but I've just been like "Fuck this. I'm going back to non-fat, all the time, baby when I leave!" but now I don't know.

I'm excited for therapy later this week. Now THAT's how you know you're in rehab. Let's look some other clues...

You Know You're in Rehab When:

1. The rush of adrenaline you experience when you realize it's been an hour after a meal and you can finally take a piss with the door closed.

2. You're still wearing what you slept in...2 days ago. And you haven't changed once.

3. Showering=good in theory, rarely put into practice.

4. Talking about food at meal times is on the same level as child abuse.

5. It's the norm to hear people muttering to themselves at meal times "2 starch, dairy, fruit, veggie, fat, protein" while pointing at certain items on their plate.

6. It takes the girl across from you 10 FUCKING MINUTES to finish last night's rice-and-tofu combo and you're crinkling your napkin up to prevent from strangling the bitch.

7. A "crazy night" can be defined as board games, working on homework for therapy, and doing chores.

8. Your idea of "dressing up" includes showering, putting on clean pajama pants that are semi-cute, and smearing on some chapstick.

I have like 3 more weeks here. 21 more days to change my body image, accept my flaws, find new ways to handle stress, and be convinced to stick to an eating plan that will actually cause my body to function properly. Can it be done??

Only the birthday boy knows.

Merry Christmas, errrybody!