So there I was, sitting in my seat, feeling very uncomfortable. I remember doing this peculiar thing with my eyes. I’d start by looking at the teacher in the front of the classroom, but then my sight would stray to one side of the classroom. Immediately I would have to look at the opposite wall and look at the back wall of the classroom. I didn’t understand why I was doing it. I only understood that I had to do it. Anytime my sight went to one particular side of the room, I’d have to repeat the procedure to “even things out”. If I gave one particular area too much attention and things would feel unbalanced. I knew at the time that what I was doing wasn’t exactly normal, so I tried to hide these actions. I didn’t want someone thinking I was weird or anything.
Sixth grade trudged on. Every now and then I would catch myself doing something that wasn’t exactly normal. Walking down the hall, I would accidentally brush my left hand against my left leg. Suddenly things were unbalanced again. I would have to brush the right leg with my right hand so everything was okay again. Watching TV, I would do a similar balancing act with my eyes again. First, look at the eyes, then the nose, then the mouth. But this made things feel unbalanced again, so I would to the same thing in the opposite order. When talking to people, I had to resist the urge to do the same thing. Once again, I wouldn’t want anyone to think I was weird.
This peculiar behavior showed up in other ways too, always because of this strange “unbalanced” feeling that needed to be corrected, or else I'd feel uncomfortable and anxious. My behavior of balancing things became more complex. For example, if I tapped one finger, I would need to tap each finger in a row in the same way. Then do it backwards. Then do every other finger, and so on. It was torture, and I couldn’t understand what was going on with me. I obviously couldn’t mention this to anyone. Maybe I was crazy.
In 10th grade I began taking a correspondence writing course. One of the course books was a compilation of articles and stories. I was reading some of them when I came upon an article called “Captive in Her Own Mind”. The title intrigued me, and reading it, I started learning what Obsessive Compulsive Disorder was. In the article, I came upon a description of one girl’s symptoms that shocked me. When the author of the article described the symptoms of the disorder and the anxiety associated with it, I felt a sudden sense of de-ja-vu. “This must have been what I had in sixth grade,” I thought. Then I realized, “No. This is what I still have.”
After learning what to call my strange behavior, I felt I had a deep dark secret. I did not want this craziness to control my life. Slowly I started to teach myself to control it. Whenever I got the impulse to do something to balance things out, I resisted the urge. Sometimes that anxiety would pop up again, but I began to squash these annoying tendencies.
Even though I learned some control, every now and then I find the OCD popping up again. If I tap one foot twice, the other foot will have to be tapped as well. Realizing what I’ve done, I can usually stop at that point. I’m trying to completely get rid of this irksome disorder and the excessive anxiety it causes. I’m still not able to fully destroy some behaviors. In sixth grade I picked at my lip a lot because I often had chapped lips. Later on I became a nail biter. After that, I became a finger biter. I truly cannot help this anymore. Whenever someone sees my thumb (which suffers from a combination of this disorder and a scar that doesn’t want to heal) I try to hide it. I’m so embarrassed by this disorder, and I wish I could fully stop these obsessive balancing habits, but I haven’t been able to just yet.
Now that we’ve reached the end of this blog, you may be wondering what was so progressive about describing what OCD is like. I wanted you to know what it feels like to have a disorder that you can’t control. Seeing from another perspective is important and teaches us much about others while teaching about ourselves.
I should probably thank Edible Woman for me getting this out of my system. If I hadn’t read her blog series “The Making of an Edible Woman” where she describes her past battle with anorexia, I may not have had the guts to write this. I know, OCD isn’t nearly as bad as anorexia, but it’s still a problem and something I don’t discuss. I talked about it once, with my dad. I tried to tell him that I thought I had OCD but I don’t think he believed me. Whether he thought I was being a hypochondriac or joking around, I’m not sure. Maybe after this blog entry, this whole problem could clear up and I’ll be a better person because of it.
Hey, a person could hope.
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When walking on floor tiles, say the bigger ones that are a few feet across, have you ever had to even out your footsteps? If the left one steps first, the right one has to fit inside the tile as well. At least it's that way for me. I think it started with the "step on a crack, break your mother's back.." rhyme, and grew from there.
I've never thought of it as a named thing, maybe because it hasn't taken over my life the way it has for others. You know, you'll watch people like Howie Mandell and tv shows like Monk, and deny that you're anything like it. At least I do. But I do know the feeling. I also count things. And everything has to be an even number. If I'm listening to somebody's car stereo, the volume setting has to be on an even number or I'll turn it off. Mispronunciations of words also make me want to twitch.
Anyways.. I guess the point of this is, well... I know how you feel. Keep working on it, if you feel you need to. You're not alone in it, if that helps at all. =]
I've done the floor tile thing. Either I try to not touch the cracks or every step has to be on a crack. Usually this I can control a little better by simply looking away from my feet.
Like I said, I'm getting better at controlling this, but it's still a nuisance for now.
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Wow that was interesting. At least you know what you have now. I hope you can get rid of this problem on your own but I think you might need help. Try talking to your parents again. If they still dont belive you keep fighting the impulses and if you cant get help without your parents. Best wishes!!!
I'll probably try the infamous Talk again, but later on. I'm not sure I'd want to see a psychiatrist or anything. Then I really would feel crazy...
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I have had tendencies but, I don't know how to explain, not really its just more me. Its not really balance its really I am just paranoid. I dont have OCD but I do have PTSD (Post Tramatic Stress Disorder) I have to make sure that I have my keys two or three times I have to make sure that my door is locked two or three times. I am just paranoid about things being out of place.
I think you've just helped me understand one of my friends a little better. He has OCD, and he tends to drive everyone else nuts all the time. He doesn't annoy me, and I don't mind his tendencies, but it's nice to better understand what he's dealing with.
And I wish you the best of luck with getting it under some more control! If you keep at it, I'm sure you can do it!
And that's comin' at ya' from yer local redneck hippie.
Thanks, my local redneck hippie!
I hope this has helped you understand your friend's point of view. Afterall, perspective is pretty important.
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I have a friend who has it, but only when she is at her home in her room. Before bed when I sleep over, she takes both hands hits the top of the door frame and boths sides, walks out, says the exact same thing to her mom as every night, and taps the door frame again when she comes back in. She then gets in bed and takes the exact same size sips of water from a water bottle, and if she messes up she starts all over. The weirdest part if she has to sleep with multiple water bottles in her bed. It doesn't bother me at all and she has explained to me what you have explained in this blog, and I really enjoyed reading it! Thanks and I wish you the best of luck!
Après la pluie le beau temps. ♥
First off I would like to thank you for your comment on my blog earlier today. OCD is a hard disease to live with. I have not had much experience with it besides seeing it on MTV's true life. I am glad that you are working hard to beat the habit. I can sort of relate because I have dyslexia, however I know its not as hard to live with as OCD. I hope that everything goes well for you, it sounds like you are doing better though.
Thanks for sharing your story about having OCD. OCD is anxiety order which I think you probably know.
I didn't mean to post twice. Sorry
I believe I have this disorder besides the fact I have just been diagnosised with generalized anxiety. I wrote a blog about all anxiety disorders the other day called anxiety for dumbies. you should check it out when you get the time! It was hard for me to write. I rewrite to do lists, and excessively make lists, If my hand writting is just alittle off I will keep rewriting it over and over again. I haven't looked over people's faces like that, but I can't look anyone in the eye at all. When I pick codes or numbers I can only use even numbers for some reason I can't use odd numbers. You can see that ocd in my user name 6886. I do alot of other werid things also. But that is great that you actually decided to talked about it, and I hope you found it therapeutic like I did.
Didn't see your comment on my blog. Thanks! I'm silly I guess. some people are just worry-worts but I can't shut it off. People used to tell me oh it's just in your head just quit worrying. I tried to explain how I couldn't but they just didn't understand. If you ever have a panic attack they really suck. Mine have gotten so bad that I even hate to admit this... I have layed on the floor and cried my eyes out (and I do not cry at all hardly ever) I would hyperventilate and could not catch my breath. It is the scariest thing you will ever experience if you have one.I don't like to be around people when they are mad because I always think they will hit me. I have panic attacks alot when people get really mad. But your ocd doesn't sound fun but I can't say much because I feel like I have a hint of that myself...
I am here to inform and help:
http://www.progressiveu.org/032913-lupus-uncureable-wait-what
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No prob that you didn't see my comment before. All is well now.... :)
I'm glad I found your Anxiety For Dummies blog. That was pretty darn good missy.
I'm sorry you have such problems with panic attacks and such. I wish I had some gem of wisdom but I don't have anything right now. I don't like the idea of medication, cuz meds seem to mess up more than they fix.
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Lately I have been replying and it hasn't been working. Thanks for liking my blog...I wish more people would read some of the better ones I have done like the Lupus one I have posted as a signiture and that anxiety one.
Thanks for trying to give wisdom. It is really hard for people to understand. I have been on Lexapro and cymbalta which are anti-depressants. They don't work. They make me feel like i'm not myself, like I have no emotion.
I don't like meds either, they always have so many recalls on them,but I do have to take Xanax which is "so addictive" but it's not if you learn to control when you take it. What Xanax does is calms your nervous system down so you relax. it is good for panic attacks but since I don't have them to often I use it for sleep. I get hyper and anxious at night.
I wish I could give you advice on OCD as well, but it is also something I have slightly so it is hard to give advice when you don't fully understand it yourself.As for OCD I am not sure about treatments for it, but I can do you a favor. I will look up everything I can about OCD and post a blog for you.
I am here to inform and help:
http://www.progressiveu.org/032913-lupus-uncureable-wait-what
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Looks like your reply worked! I don't know why your replies haven't been working. When I used to go on my dad's computer I couldn't do anything on Progressive U. Nothing worked. He had AOL, maybe that's the problem.
You've done some really good blogs. Just keep posting comments on new people's blogs and you'll be able to advertise your blog in that way. I already catch most of your blog entries cuz we're buddies and it appears on the "My buddies' recent posts" list. I can't recall if I've read the lupus one, so I'll have to check that one now.
I was about to say you didn't have to do research for me, but it looks like you've posted already! My you work fast! I'm going to go check that out too.
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I've never known anyone with OCD, but I've read some about it, and from what I've read, it can be really debilitating. It sort of bothered me that you said it's not as bad as anorexia. There's no point in comparing severity of disorders. They are all equally problematic for the sufferers. There is an element of OCD in eating disorders, and it's the OCD part that is the hardest to overcome. OCD can be a VERY frustrating condition. Some people are utterly trapped by their rituals, unable to live a normal life.
I'm glad you are aware of your rituals. Seeing a psychiatrist wouldn't be the worst thing ever. You aren't crazy. And if you don't want meds, you could start with a psychologist, who might help you with some behavior modification strategies.
It makes sense that this hit you in sixth grade. The usual age of onset for all kinds of psychiatric disorders is at the start of puberty, early twenties (so, the end of adolescence), or early forties. They are all times of major hormonal shifts. Coincidence? Dunno. But it's interesting.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
....I compare my blog to yours because while reading yours I decided to post this. But then I was thinking how OCD compares to anorexia, and I felt obligated to say it's not as bad. Truthfully, I shouldn't say that because I have not had to live with anorexia and therefore, what do I know about it? And you make a good point: Anorexia is like OCD and they are both connected in some ways.
Maybe I'll go to the University Health Center some day. Then I could set up an appointment or something. Still, thinking of talking about it outloud kinda freaks me out.
I didn't know there was a specific age for this type of thing. All I know is that I started noticing it in sixth grade. Who knows how long I've actually been this way?
Thanks for the comment, EW.
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It can't hurt to consult a professional, right? I suppose you don't have to if it isn't interfering with your ability to live a normal life, but like DrifterDani pointed out, it is anxiety-related. Maybe figuring out the root of your anxiety might make life easier?
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
It would be worth a try. If not to solve the problem, but at least to understand why.
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I went to my university counseling center to cope with an issue and it saved my year. I didn't want to go to a professional either, but my school offered a few free sessions to everyone and I wasn't so intimidated by a counselor. Good luck!
www.progressiveu.org/blog/americangirlinchina
It's really difficult to open up to people about personal issues. Perhaps I'm weird, but I like reading about others. Understanding about what others experience is a big part of being progressive. The more we learn about people, the better we can interact with them.
I have been called OCD by MANY people, but in my case it's because I have to have everything clean. Many times I feel that things just aren't clean enough, myself included....but I think that's more of an anal quality than OCD
I don't know if people with OCD who are concerned with cleaning are similar to my issues, but I think there'd be an easy way to tell if you truly do have OCD or not. If you feel obsessive about cleaning and you feel uncomfortable, stressed, and anxious if things are dirty, that may be a sign of OCD. It might be a sign of a neat freak too, so I'm not sure what to tell you.
I agree with you that hearing personal experience pieces can stimulate progress. That's why I thought this blog would be right for ProgressiveU. The only thing I wasn't sure about was blogger response, and so far the comments have been pretty positive.
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That's why my first blog was about dressing up dogs. That's an oversimplification, really, but the point is, I wasn't sure if I could write about anything that mattered. I half expected the readership to shout me down and send me packing. My internal critic tells me I have no business writing for an audience. The reality has not born out the claims of my critic.
i think this blog is far and away the best of yours that I've read. The other blogs, while well written and interesting, didn't have the same voice. I don't know you personally, so I can't state this as a certainty, but this blog's voice is more genuine than your past blogs. They always say "write what you know." It seems to have paid off in this one.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
Maybe part of that geniune factor came from the nagging voice inside my head saying, "You aren't seriously going to write about this, are you?" I felt a little vulnerable writing this, and maybe that's what added to it. I don't know. This is not the kind of topic I cover. Usually I pick something to rant about, talk about what it's like to live in a small town, or bring up something in society that bothers me.
I've heard the "write what you know" phrase before, but usually I end up thinking "what do I really know?".
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It's kind of reassuring to hear that two of the best bloggers on this site struggle as much as I do about blogging and what to blog and pleasing the audience, etc. To be honest, every time I read a blog posted by either of you I wonder how you manage to captivate your audiences so well.....
*shocked face*
Are you serious? I thought you were one of the best bloggers! Heck, your entries keep ending up on the first page! Well congrats to you and thank you so much for the compliment!
Jeez, you never know what you're going to learn on this site... :)
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I had some OCD... tendencies, I guess, when I was younger. I had some really strange rituals but I only resorted to them when under a lot of stress (like, in the psych ward. I washed my hands a lot. Like, rinsing and scrubbing 60 times multipule times a day. But I did it for two weeks and then stopped. *shrug*). I wouldn't say it's "not as bad" as anorexia. Any mental illness can be absolutely horrific, just depends to what extent you have it. You might get an anorexic who's in a hospital, but at least she can go out to the grounds, and a person with OCD who's been in her room for the past year because she's too afraid of the unsanitized outdoors. Etc, etc.
Great post, btw.
Ohyeah. And. See a shrink. Seriously. A lot of them suck but there's some seriously awesome ones, too.
I am sorry that you have OCD. I wouldn't know what to do if I had it. I mean my acne is embarassing to me but having that may be way more difficult. I never really knew too much about it until I read your blog. Thanks for talking about it from your point of view.
Thanks for commenting.
OCD can be bad. I don't personally have a severe case, as it doesn't rule my life. It was semi-bad in middle school, but even then I wasn't a severe case.
Acne can be bad too! I had that too, trust me. At least you can't tell you've got OCD if it's picture day....
I think one thing we've learned is that many problems can't be simplified, like when I mentioned anorexia being worse. Things are bad for their own reasons. We'll just have to fix each problem as it occurs.
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