Better Homes and Bomb Shelters

The world is coming to an end. Eventually. I'm not very religious, but I am kind of an End Times nutcase. While I don't believe it is going to rain heavenly fire any time soon, there is a fair chance we might blow each other up, intentionally or accidentally. It really doesn't matter which. What does matter, to me anyway, is that I survive with minimal radiation sickness.

This obsession began when I was in third grade or so. The Cold War was raging, if you can call that paragon of passive aggression "raging," and nukes were in the news. Movies like "War Games" were huge. Russians were the de facto enemy in all media. I began praying every night at bedtime that the Russians would drop the bomb directly on my house so I wouldn't have to endure the nuclear winter that would follow. I was convinced that the Zion, Illinois nuclear power plant was a highly strategic target for the Russians, and I knew that we were just far enough away that we might, unfortunately, survive the blast. I developed such anxiety about this that I missed a week of school because of chronic hyperventilation and anxiety-induced seizures (I'm epileptic, so it's not that strange).

Third grade turned me into a disaster planner. I am constantly on the lookout for the next most likely tragedy that may occur if the stars align properly. The current political climate, paired with a recent reading of The Road, by Cormac McCarthy, once again has me thinking about the liklihood of surviving nuclear fallout. I told you I'm a nutcase. But read on, because this might be useful someday.

The most important thing you need to know about surviving a nuclear disaster is that it can be done, but it requires advance planning, a cool head, and some fortitude. No one likes to think about it, but a little advance planning can make the difference between panic and survival in an emergency. I found a fantastic webpage with a very helpful list and action plan that goes far beyond the usual canned goods and first aid kit. You can check it out here. Some of these tips are useful for other disasters, like floods and hurricanes. I'll try to summarize the basics:

1.) Plan for the Worst Today. Know in advance what everyone's role will be in an emergency. Know what you'll need and where you can find it. Have a plan in place for meeting up if you are separated from your fmily when disaster strikes. Who will pick up the kids? Who will hit the bank? What will you do about pets? (Actually, pets are a tough call if you are looking at life in a bomb shelter for a couple of months...) Don't think these decisions can be made on the fly over the cell phone. When the 35W bridge fell in Minneapolis last summer, phone lines were clogged for eight hours, and that was a minor regional disaster compared to a nuclear attack. Be a Boy Scout about this. Always prepared.

Go out now, while no one is imminently threatening to blow us up, and buy a couple of 5 gallon buckets, a MAJOR first aid kit, some duct tape, garbage bags, flashlights (shakeable or hand crank are best, as batteries die), water, water purification tablets, a can opener, and lots of canned goods. Put them all in a big Rubbermaid bin or two so you can find everything quickly. Within these bins, include backpacks with some high calorie foods, water, flashlights, emergency blankets (the foil kind) and first aid kits, in case immediate evacuation is required. I am trying to set us up for disaster in my household, but my partner keeps using up the canned goods. I can't complain...she's a good cook.

2.) Turn on the Bathtub. This is what the protagonist in The Road does the moment he sees the flash. He doesn't even know what has happened, but he goes right to the tub and fills it. As soon as you get word of a disaster of any kind, fill the bathtub and every available container with water, as water service may be cut off at any moment. In the event of a nuclear disaster, it is important to have covered containers, so pots, 30 gallon garbage cans (lined with bags, to be sanitary, please), milk cartons, 5 gallon buckets, Rubbermaid storage bins from the closet...empty everything that can hold water and fill 'er up. It is impossible to have too much water. You'll need it for drinking and sanitation. If you don't have enough, you risk dehydration or illness. It sould suck to survive the bomb blast only to die of dysentery.

3.) Shop. This sounds like G. Dubya after 9/11, but this is not about strengthening the economy. This is about stockpiling. If there are two adults in your household, one should go do this while the other prepares back at home. You should have a list prepared in advance, so you don't have to waste time thinking. (The link provided above has excellent recommendations). First, go to the bank and pull as much cash as you can. Reserve this. Use credit cards as much as you can when you fill your list. Buy tons of duct tape, 5 gallon buckets, garbage bags, tarps, rope, canned goods, batteries (AA's or D's for the flashlight, not C's for the sex toys, you perv) and iodine. It's not a bad idea to get some fresh fruit too, as it may be the last you'll have for a while.

4.) Build a Better Bomb Shelter. If you have a basement, this is pretty easy to do. The idea is to put as much mass between you and the outside air as possible. Setting up in a corner of the basement means you only have to build two walls. Bookcases and mattresses are useful for this. Fill the bookcases with anything that has mass...um...like books. You can also use the shelves to store your foodstuffs. Line the outside of the shelter with matresses, blankets, boxes and bags full of your excess crap, whatever has some density to it. Seal up any basement windows or wall cracks. Be sure to build up the mass of the ceiling by piling stuff on the floor above your shelter. The size of your shelter depends on how much crap you have. And people say Americans have too much stuff? I say, not possible in this scenario! You'll be glad you put off that garage sale when the bomb hits!

5.) Hunker Down. You'll have to stay in your shelter for a few days, minimum but potentially up to a couple of months, depending on how far downwind you are from the blast. Having a hand crank weather radio is handy when you are trapped in a basement bunker. It will be your link to the outside world and will help you determine when it is safe to go out of the bunker for a couple of hours. Make sure you have warm blankets, sleeping bags, etc. If the sun is blocked out by the ash, it could get really cold down there. Don;t do anything dumb like heating the shelter with candles or propane. Again, it would suck to survive the blast only to die of a self-imposed fire or carbon monoxide poisining. You shouldn't be stuck down there for too long. Think of it as camping during a fire ban. The link above has some mathematical gobbeldygook that explains how quickly radiation dissipates, but as the webpage may have been written by an End Times nutcase like me, take it with a grain of salt. It may not be accurate. In other words, TRUST NO ONE! I'm kidding, of course, but if you've read The Road, you'll recognize that I'm only half kidding. There may be cannibals.

6.) Get Busy. Once you are safely able to leave your bunker, get your freak on and multiply. This is where I'm really relying on my readership. You don't want a couple of lesbians to be responsible for repopulating the earth. We're good at organizing, rebuilding (we love those power tools, you know), and adopting wayward orphans. You guys do the rest.

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